It felt like- sometimes when I wake up, it feels like there's something holding me down. Something that isn't either of you. It felt like that, but from inside me. Stopping me from going. Pulling me back together.
[ Sleep paralysis is maybe not the best comparison but it's the one that seems most apt to him. It makes him feel powerless, it's desperately lonely even with the two of them at his side, and it's one of the few things that actually fucking terrifies him. ]
It didn't hurt, at first. I think any nerves that could have made it hurt were too damaged. It wasn't until the healing had started that I could feel it and- that was better, almost? I know what pain is, at least. Makes it all easier to think about. After that- I barely remember any of the first night. I know it sucked for all of us but- I don't remember a fucking thing other than it hurting.
Second day was just- until noon, it was just- being injured. I've done that before fuck knows how many times, I know how it works. Then at noon it was that thing again, holding me down, trying to drag me inside myself so something else could go to the outside. And at sunset it managed. Every fucking night it managed, no matter what I did. And then the third night-
-you know what happened on the third night.
[ He's staring downward at the blanket under them. ]
I didn't think I'd be that fucking weak. I've seen turnings. We have records of turnings. Some of them last months before they need to feed for the first time. I don't know if I'm just naturally shitty at this or if I managed to fuck my resistance to that shit up with the ale all these years. I thought I'd be stronger.
The incense was- about what I expected. Good. Couldn't think. Didn't want to think. Put an edge on the pain, because I couldn't think of anything else, but it was worth it.
[ He's shivering just a little, and not from the cold, and his voice is choked. ]
Turning back was always the worst part, even though it was the part we all wanted. Most painful part, no vampire healing. And- part of me hated giving up that much power. It was screaming 'no, no there's still so much good I can do'. That was the worst part, the turning back, and the wanting to stay as I was. It was better, once I couldn't think about it too hard.
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[ Sleep paralysis is maybe not the best comparison but it's the one that seems most apt to him. It makes him feel powerless, it's desperately lonely even with the two of them at his side, and it's one of the few things that actually fucking terrifies him. ]
It didn't hurt, at first. I think any nerves that could have made it hurt were too damaged. It wasn't until the healing had started that I could feel it and- that was better, almost? I know what pain is, at least. Makes it all easier to think about. After that- I barely remember any of the first night. I know it sucked for all of us but- I don't remember a fucking thing other than it hurting.
Second day was just- until noon, it was just- being injured. I've done that before fuck knows how many times, I know how it works. Then at noon it was that thing again, holding me down, trying to drag me inside myself so something else could go to the outside. And at sunset it managed. Every fucking night it managed, no matter what I did. And then the third night-
-you know what happened on the third night.
[ He's staring downward at the blanket under them. ]
I didn't think I'd be that fucking weak. I've seen turnings. We have records of turnings. Some of them last months before they need to feed for the first time. I don't know if I'm just naturally shitty at this or if I managed to fuck my resistance to that shit up with the ale all these years. I thought I'd be stronger.
The incense was- about what I expected. Good. Couldn't think. Didn't want to think. Put an edge on the pain, because I couldn't think of anything else, but it was worth it.
[ He's shivering just a little, and not from the cold, and his voice is choked. ]
Turning back was always the worst part, even though it was the part we all wanted. Most painful part, no vampire healing. And- part of me hated giving up that much power. It was screaming 'no, no there's still so much good I can do'. That was the worst part, the turning back, and the wanting to stay as I was. It was better, once I couldn't think about it too hard.