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And if I said some of it hurt? What then?
[Because it does. This hurts. All of it. Them being there. Them not being there. Them being there and the stupid fears that come with it.
It shows in the smallest ways. That when Trevor moves closer, Alucard moves closer to the door. To make sure that if he has to move, he can. An exit available at all times.
It doesn't calm him. But it helps.]
[HE WAS goddamnit. So, new path.]
I meant outside your family's homes. The rest of...the countryside for you, I suppose is the only way to think of it.
[ He follows Alucard's gaze to the door. God, he's scared, isn't he? Of them. That's- he doesn't know how to think about that. ]
Fuck, if it's best that Sypha caves the entire fucking hold in and buries it, that's what we do.
[ What do you mean 'home' isn't the clinic. ]
It's a little like the Queen's lands during solstice. Probably less orgies. Less outside ones, at least. But there's people, a lot of them. And it's loud, and everyone is trying to make sure that everyone else gives them what they want. And everyone wants a lot of things, but there are a lot of things to go around. So it can work out.
[He breathes out. Considers. Lets both parts of instinct shout over each other. It's Belmont and Sypha, you've wanted them back for how long? It's fine. It'll just happen again, they were going to leave, just finish this. They war for a time.
The former wins by a thin margin.]
...All right.
[It's not a victory.]
[ And he stands. ]
We came here because she needed a friend. It didn't- fuck. It didn't occur to us that you'd have your own shit going on. She got caught up in suddenly being able to make a difference to people's lives, and I got caught up in- her being her. And we thought of you, but we always thought there'd be time to come back.
We fucked up, and I'm sorry.
The colors though?
[He asks because the route he's taken is on purpose. They're going through the cloth merchants entrance, rather than the food one. Alucard wants to let Trevor see the colors here, because even with the laws being what they are? There is so much color. There is so much brightness. The dyed bolts. The completed works. The rugs that pile atop each other.
Alucard moves slower. He knows Trevor will want to look.]
[It didn't occur. That stings in it's own way, but the rest? Oh. Oh that isn't a surprise. Of course she got caught up in that whirlwind. Of course Trevor enjoyed being less miserable for once in his adult life. No wonder. No wonder. They were happy.
Until they weren't. And then they came here.
He isn't sure what to say to that apology. He doesn't make a noise of acknowledgement. After a while he manages a meager noise.]
It's happened. That is all that can be said.
[ It takes all the self control he has to not get another bottle of wine. Maybe he should have. He's a better person when he's drunk, and he knows it. Maybe drunk-him could find a solution to this. He doesn't wake Sypha. She ought to be part of this, but- it'd be difficult. The second she figured out that Alucard wanted them there, she'd refuse to leave and that would be that. Even if it turned out that he needed them gone for a little longer to heal.
He just sits there, drumming his fingers on the table, staring at the door. ]
[ He's been refraining from talking about cloth too much. In part because he knows it's unfair. These people have mastered their crafts as far as humans can, and he respects that, but it's hard not to be a little critical. Nothing here is perfect, woven so closely that there's no sign left that there were ever individual threads. Because humans can't do that. ]
They're not like the ones in the queen's lands, because those ones- they're just there because she wants them to be there. These ones are- people have had to find them, haven't they? Find them and make them and be sure they're as bright as possible.
[There's a long delay between when Alucard closes the door and when it opens again. Hell, he doesn't even close it all the way - he leaves it open a crack just in case. He can move faster than either of them to avoid being locked in. He's fine. He's fine.
It's a mantra. The only words he forces to echo in his head as he applies the mix of weird Belmont medicine to the burns on his lower body. It's so hard to keep them going. To let them be the things that stay, rather than let the shame of everything that's happened take over. You should have known better. You shouldn't have trusted. You shouldn't have let anyone just waltz in here. It happened once with your mother and never will again, don't think you're special.
He finishes. Then sits on the floor for either a minute or an eternity before returning to the kitchen.
When he does return, there's no real change about him. Just guilty eyes that refuse to meet Trevor's.]
Mmmhmmm. There's those who spin the thread, others that dye the thread or cloth, more who weave it. some who sew it into a final form and some who don't.
[Worth it. So, so worth it.]
I'll take you to the Grand Bazaar when she's well. There's an entire street full of cloth merchants there.
[ He can do the talking. Probably. He's good at figuring shit out. Just not good at empathising. One out of two required skills, there. ]
Leave her aside for a moment. What would be easiest for you? We stay, and maybe we fuck up again but we try to make it right when we do? Or we go, and come back when you've had more time?
[ A short pause. ]
Or we go for good, and destroy the hold?
[Hey, he managed emotional intelligence this entire conversation! That's huge!]
I don't know, Belmont.
[That honesty is much easier. He doesn't know and there's no value in lying about that, so he won't. Alucard doesn't know because his mind is trying to run in every direction at once.
So he does the easiest thing right now, which is walk over to the counter and pour himself a glass of the white that's been left out.]
[ He's delighted by this news? And also by the fact that they're already arranging a second date! And that Sypha gets to come on it! ]
It's beautiful. Thank you for bringing me here.
[ He sighs. ]
If we could choose, I think she'd want to be here with you. She can watch her family from the mirror in the hold. We can go to them if things change. But you're- you're her family too.
[Oh....
Oh that face.]
I'm just glad you're enjoying it.
[He's just gonna take a long siiiiiiiiiip while oh. A new layer of guilt sets in.
Along with a particular realization.]
She doesn't know you're doing any of this right now, does she?
He waves a hand dismissively, but his shoulders sink. He shouldn't be doing this without Sypha, but she wouldn't leave if she knew. He's been letting her decide what's best for a long time now, and in the end it's hurt her badly. ]
Had to make a second me out of pillows and blankets to keep her from waking up.
Of course you did.
[He breathes out.]
What else do you want to know, Belmont?
[ Finally, finally, he turns his attention back to Alucard ]
What do you need to collect from here? Do you want me to carry things?
[ He just stares at the overfull wine glass. So that's what this bullshit looks like from the outside. Just kind of sad. ]
If there's something other than that that I should know, I'll listen. But I'm not trying to torment you for information here.
Oh God, please.
[ That... would be very VERY nice right now. ]
[Another sip. Until the glass is normally full. The second part is actually far more important to Alucard.]
Thank you. That's...
[He just sighs.]
If she was in the right state of mind, she'd be proud of you.
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