[It's easier, being a pile of self loathing. Knowing that redemption is pointless, because when they leave he'll just collapse again. Feeling the shame that they saw him in such a way, were horrified by the fact that yes, he had become his father. Alucard's buried himself under a mountain and resents being told to undig himself.
He doesn't want to try. He wants them to give up, because to move back to where he was? It's impossible. He knows it is, and Alucard hates the tiny part of him that's still selfless. Still loves them both. Wants them, wants them to be happy and damnit if Sypha isn't happy when Sypha sees his wolf form in the chair that first night.
The wolf comes and goes. There are good days and bad. And--
no subject
He doesn't want to try. He wants them to give up, because to move back to where he was? It's impossible. He knows it is, and Alucard hates the tiny part of him that's still selfless. Still loves them both. Wants them, wants them to be happy and damnit if Sypha isn't happy when Sypha sees his wolf form in the chair that first night.
The wolf comes and goes. There are good days and bad. And--
--busted.]
I thought you'd be asleep.