[Alucard has long since worried that he won't be able to embrace the two as they want to him to. Not in their lifetimes at least, and with that? That comes with an awful lot of guilt. It isn't fair to either of them to be left wanting for a lifetime. In the worst moments, he still wants to tell them to go and be happy together, that he'll rest in the crypt for now, and maybe he'll be able to look after any children they have.
It's gotten worse in recovery. Alucard's seen how Sypha so easily embraces Trevor. Holds him, comforts him, makes it clear that everything is healing. It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't.
Worst of it all, he wants to say that it's all Carmilla's fault, but it isn't. If Alucard had tried harder to get through this earlier, if he had put in more effort, if, if, ififif.]
That's only if she finds out.
[It's a bad joke. One that comes with a strained laugh.]
I know, Trevor. And I'm just...[He stops, running a hand through his hair for want of something else.]
no subject
It's gotten worse in recovery. Alucard's seen how Sypha so easily embraces Trevor. Holds him, comforts him, makes it clear that everything is healing. It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't.
Worst of it all, he wants to say that it's all Carmilla's fault, but it isn't. If Alucard had tried harder to get through this earlier, if he had put in more effort, if, if, ififif.]
That's only if she finds out.
[It's a bad joke. One that comes with a strained laugh.]
I know, Trevor. And I'm just...[He stops, running a hand through his hair for want of something else.]
I'm sorry. About everything.