[Alucard has long since worried that he won't be able to embrace the two as they want to him to. Not in their lifetimes at least, and with that? That comes with an awful lot of guilt. It isn't fair to either of them to be left wanting for a lifetime. In the worst moments, he still wants to tell them to go and be happy together, that he'll rest in the crypt for now, and maybe he'll be able to look after any children they have.
It's gotten worse in recovery. Alucard's seen how Sypha so easily embraces Trevor. Holds him, comforts him, makes it clear that everything is healing. It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't.
Worst of it all, he wants to say that it's all Carmilla's fault, but it isn't. If Alucard had tried harder to get through this earlier, if he had put in more effort, if, if, ififif.]
That's only if she finds out.
[It's a bad joke. One that comes with a strained laugh.]
I know, Trevor. And I'm just...[He stops, running a hand through his hair for want of something else.]
[ He's going to have to actually say it, isn't he? Shit. ]
I love you. [ THERE. FINE. HE DID IT. ] We love you. And if this- if this is what loving you ends up looking like forever, then that's what we've chosen. We've chosen to be near to you, and it's not because we want more than that.
[ He sighs, rubbing the back of his head with his good hand. ]
You're not something broken that we have to fix. I- thought you were, at first. But- you know. Turns out there are things in the world that aren't just problems that need to be solved.
But more than saying the thing, he said more important things than just love. That this is okay. Well, not the injuries, but that Alucard can only do as much as he can right now. That Trevor's own preoccupations have learned to step back and give Alucard's own problems time to breathe and resolve.
He can feel the threat of tears in the corner of his eyes. And then Alucard kisses him again. It's quick and terrified but it's against Trevor's lips. He withdraws, but it isn't before managing a very soft, very breathless:] I love you too.
[ He doesn’t touch Alucard. He wants to, he wants to so much, but he doesn’t. Not yet. Maybe not ever, and that doesn’t have to be a sad thing. Just the way things are, the result of the choices people have made, just like the two fingers that end at knuckles. Just like Carmilla’s missing fang.
He does, however, touch the fabric of Alucard’s shirt. Holds it between thumb and finger for just a moment, tugging at it the way the pups used to tug at his sister’s skirts to remind her that they were there and they loved her. ]
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It's gotten worse in recovery. Alucard's seen how Sypha so easily embraces Trevor. Holds him, comforts him, makes it clear that everything is healing. It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't.
Worst of it all, he wants to say that it's all Carmilla's fault, but it isn't. If Alucard had tried harder to get through this earlier, if he had put in more effort, if, if, ififif.]
That's only if she finds out.
[It's a bad joke. One that comes with a strained laugh.]
I know, Trevor. And I'm just...[He stops, running a hand through his hair for want of something else.]
I'm sorry. About everything.
no subject
[ He's going to have to actually say it, isn't he? Shit. ]
I love you. [ THERE. FINE. HE DID IT. ] We love you. And if this- if this is what loving you ends up looking like forever, then that's what we've chosen. We've chosen to be near to you, and it's not because we want more than that.
[ He sighs, rubbing the back of his head with his good hand. ]
You're not something broken that we have to fix. I- thought you were, at first. But- you know. Turns out there are things in the world that aren't just problems that need to be solved.
no subject
But more than saying the thing, he said more important things than just love. That this is okay. Well, not the injuries, but that Alucard can only do as much as he can right now. That Trevor's own preoccupations have learned to step back and give Alucard's own problems time to breathe and resolve.
He can feel the threat of tears in the corner of his eyes. And then Alucard kisses him again. It's quick and terrified but it's against Trevor's lips. He withdraws, but it isn't before managing a very soft, very breathless:] I love you too.
no subject
He does, however, touch the fabric of Alucard’s shirt. Holds it between thumb and finger for just a moment, tugging at it the way the pups used to tug at his sister’s skirts to remind her that they were there and they loved her. ]
Then we’ll be fine. All of us.