[ He moves closer, not quite looking at Alucard. When he puts a hand out to let it rest in the vampire's, it's hesitant. Careful. Penitent. And- god, he doesn't even know what he's sorry for anymore. He just knows that he can still feel bone against his fingernails, smell iron on the air.
He shouldn't have- god, he shouldn't have done so many things. He's hurt Alucard in so, so many ways. ]
[For a very long time, Alucard is quiet. He holds Trevor's hand in his, eyes off staring into the stew rather than at Trevor or even at the middle distance. And then, very quietly, he manages:]
You bought me valuable time and my life. In the end, that is what matters the most.
[The but hangs in the air, and it takes Alucard another moment before continuing.]
To weaponize him in that way is...very much something he would do. And I know that to have him in your head for all of those years could have only been a nightmare. I think it is a small wonder that you did not go mad from it.
[It's in fact pretty amazing.]
But I'd be a liar if I said a part of me is angry at him for doing that to you instead of finding me and looking after me. [There. He's said it. After too much time to think.]
So in doing this thing, you forced that role upon him. That's all I think I need to say.
You deserve so much better than- all of this. None of it should have happened.
[ He squeezes Alucard's hand, at that, then lets go. It doesn't really bear commenting on further, the experience of growing up with Dracula in one's head. There's a balance there - he wants to tell Alucard that the asshole wouldn't have fought them so hard if he didn't have something to fight for. If he wasn't trying to find his way back.
He's lied enough today. They all know what Dracula did when he was finally free. And there's no sense in speculating on whether that was because the burning drove him madder. He would have He rushed to his son's side, yes, but not in defence. And he really doesn't enjoy trying to sympathise with Dracula. ]
We'll try to make it right. As right as we can make it.
[Alucard doesn't try to do much when Trevor lets go of his hand. He mostly just sits there, quiet and thinking about well, everything. Because at the moment, everything deserves quiet, careful consideration.
He breathes out.]
There's nothing to make right or wrong. The thing your sister invented saved my life. That's all there is to it now.
There is. You were right, that it's not my place to take responsibility for this. But I don't give a shit if it's my fault, or my family's fault, or your dad's fault, or her fault, or humanity's fault- just-
[ He sighs, shaking his head, then turns back, actually looking at Alucard, with a weak smile. ]
You deserved to be safe. Looked after. Loved. And- shit, maybe so did I. And there's no going back and changing things, but I sure as fuck get to decide that things get better from now on.
[Humanity's fault seems like the easiest thing to blame. But Alucard keeps that thought to himself, and instead focuses attention to Trevor. That smile is...well it's just a lot to take in, and he doesn't know what else to do.]
You're the one that gets to decide?
[He's made a real attempt to inflect humor in the question, at least.]
Unless you feel like trying to stop me. I think I could win, right now.
[ Probably not. Not in the castle, at least. It'd boot him into the dungeons long before he managed to lay a finger on Alucard. But there's an attempt at returning things to the usual mostly-affectionate bickering there. An anemic attempt, but an attempt nonetheless. ]
[ Okay, so maybe not a great time to revert to old petty bickering. He lets his shoulders slump, whatever attempt at a smirk he was making fading back into that tired, tired smile. ]
Eat your fucking stew, then. Let us take care of you, and I won't have to fight you. Fair?
[ He doesn’t try to kiss back. He’s trying to get a sense for when it’d be right and when it wouldn’t, and right now his instinct says it’d be too much. He tugs at Alucard’s sleeve, just for a second, then lets go and nudges the plate of bread toward him. ]
Say how you want things to be, and we’ll make it happen.
[The little tugs of fabric are a language that's special to them. Just theirs. A secret thing that not even Sypha shares, although she has figured out the broad strokes of it.
Alucard does take the bread, and he dips a piece of it in the stew before bringing it up and taking a small bite.]
I don't know how I want them to be forever yet. But for recovery, I...I don't know if happy is the right word, but it feels right for what's needed at the moment.
Not half as cold as it’s going to be, once she’s done with this shit.
[ That’s likely to be a few more days, Sypha doing her best to convince the castle that a place of endless sunlight is a good thing for the vampire, actually. He looks out of the window. ]
Seems clear enough, if you think you can get this place to let you out. Need to get some air?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ He looks away, shaking his head. ]
I needed something that she couldn’t ignore. It’s all that came to mind. I’m sorry.
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Come here.
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He shouldn't have- god, he shouldn't have done so many things. He's hurt Alucard in so, so many ways. ]
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You bought me valuable time and my life. In the end, that is what matters the most.
[The but hangs in the air, and it takes Alucard another moment before continuing.]
To weaponize him in that way is...very much something he would do. And I know that to have him in your head for all of those years could have only been a nightmare. I think it is a small wonder that you did not go mad from it.
[It's in fact pretty amazing.]
But I'd be a liar if I said a part of me is angry at him for doing that to you instead of finding me and looking after me. [There. He's said it. After too much time to think.]
So in doing this thing, you forced that role upon him. That's all I think I need to say.
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[ He squeezes Alucard's hand, at that, then lets go. It doesn't really bear commenting on further, the experience of growing up with Dracula in one's head. There's a balance there - he wants to tell Alucard that the asshole wouldn't have fought them so hard if he didn't have something to fight for. If he wasn't trying to find his way back.
He's lied enough today. They all know what Dracula did when he was finally free. And there's no sense in speculating on whether that was because the burning drove him madder. He would have He rushed to his son's side, yes, but not in defence. And he really doesn't enjoy trying to sympathise with Dracula. ]
We'll try to make it right. As right as we can make it.
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He breathes out.]
There's nothing to make right or wrong. The thing your sister invented saved my life. That's all there is to it now.
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[ He sighs, shaking his head, then turns back, actually looking at Alucard, with a weak smile. ]
You deserved to be safe. Looked after. Loved. And- shit, maybe so did I. And there's no going back and changing things, but I sure as fuck get to decide that things get better from now on.
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You're the one that gets to decide?
[He's made a real attempt to inflect humor in the question, at least.]
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[ Probably not. Not in the castle, at least. It'd boot him into the dungeons long before he managed to lay a finger on Alucard. But there's an attempt at returning things to the usual mostly-affectionate bickering there. An anemic attempt, but an attempt nonetheless. ]
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Eat your fucking stew, then. Let us take care of you, and I won't have to fight you. Fair?
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[Alucard doesn't start eating yet though. Instead he leans in, and brushes his lips gingerly over Trevor's cheek.]
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[ He doesn’t try to kiss back. He’s trying to get a sense for when it’d be right and when it wouldn’t, and right now his instinct says it’d be too much. He tugs at Alucard’s sleeve, just for a second, then lets go and nudges the plate of bread toward him. ]
Say how you want things to be, and we’ll make it happen.
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Alucard does take the bread, and he dips a piece of it in the stew before bringing it up and taking a small bite.]
I don't know how I want them to be forever yet. But for recovery, I...I don't know if happy is the right word, but it feels right for what's needed at the moment.
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[ He repeats it thoughtfully, as if it’s a very difficult concept. ]
I think we can manage that, if we put our minds to it. Can’t be too hard.
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Mmm.
Is it still cold outside?
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[ That’s likely to be a few more days, Sypha doing her best to convince the castle that a place of endless sunlight is a good thing for the vampire, actually. He looks out of the window. ]
Seems clear enough, if you think you can get this place to let you out. Need to get some air?