Catch All

[cryptsleeper]

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[cryptsleeper]

Trevor, you won't even touch me.

[miraclewhip]

What? Of course I will.

[ He's trying to play dumb. Like he doesn't understand what Alucard means. He does, of course he does. And he knows it must hurt.

But it's still better. It's less wrong to be distant than to- everything he's done. Even a month later, he's still going over that last kiss in his head. How much distress Alucard must have been in, and how his body decided that it ought to turn offering comfort into something closer to taking advantage. He extends a hand, resting it on the edge of the mattress. ]

This is just- more appropriate.

[cryptsleeper]

I don't care about appropriate!

[Maybe it comes out demanding. Or scared. Or childish. Or something else entirely. No matter what is there, the distress is plain, and Alucard doesn't reach for Trevor's hand. He brings his knees up and hugs them close to his chest.]

[miraclewhip]

I do!

[ He shouts it, and for a while he says nothing more. It's awkward. Horrible. After a while he finally speaks again, looking away. ]

I know- I know this is how it used to be. But we were children then. It's- different now. It's been different for a while. It just took me a long time to notice.

[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard just. Buries his face on his knees. Says nothing for a very long time.

And then:]

No. You're imposing limits.

[More to the point is what follows.] You're the only person who I can lean on, and I can't even do that now.

[miraclewhip]

You can. Of course you can. Just-

[ He takes his hand back, spreading both of them helplessly. ]

I can't touch you. I can't trust myself not to- I just can't.

[ HE CAN'T TRUST HIMSELF NOT TO BONER IF HE HUGS YOU OKAY ]

[cryptsleeper]

You can't trust yourself to not what, Trevor?

[He still hasn't picked his head up. He's trying to curl up on himself as much as possible. Be as small as possible.]

[miraclewhip]

I- fuck.

[ He doesn't want to tell him. Partially because he doesn't want to admit to it, but mostly because it puts years of interactions into question. He doesn't know how long he's been like this. Doesn't know if some dark, filthy part of him was secretly, secretly even from himself, perusing some kind of agenda all this time.

Trevor Belmont is not a man who can just be horny and it's fun and uncomplicated. He's gotta be useless and self-loathing about it. ]

Something's wrong with me, Adrian. I'll be here, no matter what. I'll keep you safe. But I can't touch you.

[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard doesn't move.]

Just tell me. Please. Whatever it is won't wound as much as your absence does.

[miraclewhip]

[ He doesn't want to explain this. He really doesn't want to explain this. ]

I- When you've been upset. When you've wanted me to touch you, I-

[ He's usually not bad with words, but right now his mouth is moving but sound isn't coming out. He can't make the words leave his mouth. He hangs his head eventually. ]

-filthy. I'm filthy.

[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard finally picks his head up.

Pauses.

Then narrows his eyes.]

A normal psychological reaction is why you're upset?

[miraclewhip]

Normal?

[ He lifts his own head. ]

It's not normal. It's- You need help, and I can't keep myself from- it's wrong.

[cryptsleeper]

[T R E V O R.]

It's a natural reaction and it indicates attraction, that's--

[.........OH.]

[miraclewhip]

[ OH MY GOD THIS IS THE WORST. He knows what that sentence suddenly ending means. That Alucard's caught on. This is awful. He should never have started a conversation about his penis. ]

It doesn't matter. [ There's a finality to that, and he shakes his head and stands. ] Natural or not, it has to stop happening.

[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard reaches out. Latches onto Trevor's wrist, and to hell with keeping anything at bay. He lets all the fear in him out in that one gesture, but there's enough sense in the vampire yet to not use bruising force.]

I don't care.

[He's firm about that much.]

I need you. In love with me or even if you hate me now I need you and your presence. Not your absence. Not...lurking in shadows. Looking over my shoulder. Just here. With me. Please.

[miraclewhip]

I don't hate you.

[ The words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop them, and for a moment they're all he says as he stares at Alucard in suprise. Is that the impression he's been giving? Well shit. After what feels like half the morning but must only really be a few seconds, he sits down on the edge of the bed and reaches out to touch Alucard's face. ]

I could never.

[cryptsleeper]

Could've had me fooled.

[Alucard's grip lightens, but only a little.

There's a little loss of tension when Trevor reaches out. Alcaurd leans into the touch, and there's no denying the streaks of tears drying on his face.]

[miraclewhip]

[ He's been crying. He's been crying and he made himself distant and- fuck, he can't do anything these days without feeling guilt stabbing through him. Can't leave Alucard. Can't touch him. ]

I'm here.

[ He strokes Alucard's hair, and it's a tiny amount of contact compared to before but it's still a lot. His mind is still screaming at him to not be doing this. That it has to be wrong somehow. But he's trying. ]

And I'm sorry.

[cryptsleeper]

[All of that seems to fix the problem. At least for now, because Alucard practically melts into Trevor's hands. He tries not to lean forward though, because that? Right now? It could be a bridge too far.]

You're here.

[Sorry isn't the point.]

How can I just....fix this?

[miraclewhip]

Not your job to fix anything. I'm the one who's broken.

[ Nothing's happening yet, at least. Which makes sense. They were- closer than usual last time, when it happened. Significantly so. But it's been a long time, and he's overcautious. Maybe he'll be brave enough to pull Alucard closer later but for now this is all he dares. ]

We'll- I don't know. We'll figure it out.

[cryptsleeper]

Would it help if I was a wolf?

[Alucard actually doesn't give him time to answer. A wolf is in Alucard's space in the span of a few seconds, curled up and equally sad looking. But the wolf moves it's head close enough to Trevor for pets.]

[miraclewhip]

Unless I'm about to learn I'm some new and exciting sort of pervert, it should.

[ He pets a few times, then just leans in and wraps his arms around the wolf's neck. He is not, it seems, some new and exciting sort of pervert. Just the normal kind. ]

[cryptsleeper]

[That seems to be enough.  A soft whine sounds, and the wolf nuzzles at Trevor a few times before going slack in Trevor's arms.  It's a lot of weight to take, but it's a world better than how Alucard was before.
He's quiet for a very long time after that.  Waiting to see if Trevor will let go.]

[miraclewhip]

[ The weight is- not quite nothing. But it may as well be nothing in comparison to how things were before. He pulls Alucard closer, burying his face in the fur at the top of his head, and he doesn't let go. ]

We can sleep like this, if you like. I think- I don't think I'm going to make it weird.

[cryptsleeper]

[The wolf gives a soft huff. His eyes are already closed, and he's closer to a puddle of wolf in Trevor's arms.

The way he always is between the two of them.

So the arrangement can work.]