[ He considers that. It’s- he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like that he owed them both without realising it. He doesn’t like that this suddenly became something they did for payment rather than because they cared about him. But most of all- ]
I haven't had to do it as much with her around. It's...I'm rusty.
[No. There were moments he was always bad at it, when he felt something more than just business. Once or twice, he had gotten arrested for it. An encounter that went on for too long resulted in a near mob. He remembers those moments, but also the far worse ones where for a week, he was safe and happy and...
[Alucard just wilts. He doesn't have enough sense in him to argue, and there's something more starting to claw it's way up from the inside. Just talking about this is stirring up memories he's gotten expert at ignoring most days.]
Sorry, just....
[He doesn't go for any more food. He only goes still, the same as when he sleeps or at least appears to sleep as a defense mechanism.]
[ He softens, or tries to. He still doesn’t understand, but it’s something that’s causing Alucard pain. He isn’t good at this. And maybe he should just leave Alucard be and stop causing trouble. But it’s the idea of owing something that makes him stay. ]
Tell me how to repay you, or erase the debt. I don’t mind which. But- if you came back here to help me because you wanted something in return, the least I can do is to give it to you.
I am not used to kindness for kindness' sake, Trevor. It is...hard for me to not expect that there is a price.
[There. That's the easiest way to explain all of this.]
I know there's no true debt. Nor did I come here because I wanted something in return. Old habits and thought patterns are very, very hard to let go of.
[ It doesn’t make sense. Alucard has lived among humans all his life. Humans, the most noble of creatures. Who Leon was willing to dedicate everything to protecting. Who Leon chose above him, in the end. How could they have ever let Alucard want for anything? How could he not be used to kindness?
But while it doesn’t make sense, he at least understands now. Enough to know that there’s nothing really owed. That they did come here for him, not for whatever payment they expected him to give them.
His voice is soft when he speaks. ]
Eat, before the dog wakes up and takes the chance away from you. [ a pause. ] There doesn’t have to be a price for it. But- if you’d rather there be one-
[ This is hard. He doesn’t like saying that he wants things. ]
-I want to sit with you a little while longer. Let me?
[Alucard sighs. Eating feels more like a chore now, but there. He starts to eat again, but it's cautious and measured. A good way for him to re-steady himself and be comfortable again.]
[ There’s one question that looms larger than any other, of course. The obvious one. The one that he probably shouldn’t ask.
He watches Alucard eat (he is, in fact, being weird about it) as he turns it over in his mind. It’s something he needs to know. To avoid causing harm later on. ]
What’s- what price is too much?
[ What was he trying to protect himself from, by knowing debts were paid? What have people asked of him, that made him afraid like this? He needs to know, to be certain to never ask it himself. ]
The first he’d never ask. But the second? He won’t pretend he doesn’t know how he gets when feeding. It’s been restrained this time, because of the injury. But he remembers, perhaps more often and more vividly and more deliberately than is proper, that first time he remembers thinking of them both as just things he could use to make himself happy. Precious and well-loved and protected things, but things nonetheless. And oh, Alucard must have known what he was thinking. It wasn’t exactly subtle.
It’s comforting, in a way, to know that he’s about the worst of humanity. Nice. Even if he looks away from Alucard in shame. ]
Would it help, if I said I would never ask either of you?
[Alucard's gotten all the meat down. He moves onto the veggies, chewing quietly through all the shame at old memories.]
Sypha doesn't even know about this. I think she's guessed, but never outright asked to confirm. [His smile is anemic (like the rest of him), but it is turned to Trevor all the same.]
[ When he looks up, Alucard is smiling. And it’s hard, to feel ashamed while looking at that. His own smile isn’t any less anemic, but it’s genuine. Not just the kind that accompanies seeing Sypha scream in frustration at ‘skulls grow back’. ]
So it’s not too much to ask that you come back here, after you next leave?
[ He takes the plate and puts it down on the floor. As if on cue, Aurelius leaps from the bed to enjoy leftover vegetables and meat juices. ]
Then that’s all I’ll ever ask of you.
[ It’s important to clarify that, because now that he can think properly again there’s something he wants to do for them both, and he doesn’t want Alucard to think that he owes him for it. ]
[That anemic smile grows. Those words? Those are magical. He wants them to ring in his ears, and he hopes that the expression on his face makes it clear how much it really does mean to him.
But sleep. Probably a good idea.]
For a few more hours. May I please have an extra blanket before you go?
[ He leaves, only for a moment, and returns with a blanket from the next room. Aurelius is done with the plate by the time he returns and yips excitedly at the new blanket, getting caught under it despite Trevor’s best attempts to avoid that and then popping his head back out again to return to his comfy place at Alucard’s feet. ]
I’ll go bother Sypha again. If I’m out of her sight any longer she might worry that I’ve raided some village and stolen all the goats.
[ it’s in good humour, at least. He’s well aware that Sypha trusts him by now. Has from the start. He just likes giving her a difficult time. If she kept her hair long enough for pigtails, he’d be tugging them. ]
[He's removed some of the pillows, ready to go back to sleep. The blankets are a warm and wonderful weight, aware of how good and warm and safe it is under all the blankets.
It is so strange, being in a place that can be considered safe. That no one can get here, and that there's even a little dog that cares about him. The other shoe will drop one day. For now? He can appreciate this place for what it is.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[The Hold is shared now. He can and should at least take advantage of that.]
I thought that's what this was.
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...you’re really bad at trading.
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[No. There were moments he was always bad at it, when he felt something more than just business. Once or twice, he had gotten arrested for it. An encounter that went on for too long resulted in a near mob. He remembers those moments, but also the far worse ones where for a week, he was safe and happy and...
...and it wasn't worth the pain, at any rate.]
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[ He huffs. ]
If it has to be like this- at least let me pay you back properly. I’m not going to cheat you.
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Sorry, just....
[He doesn't go for any more food. He only goes still, the same as when he sleeps or at least appears to sleep as a defense mechanism.]
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Tell me how to repay you, or erase the debt. I don’t mind which. But- if you came back here to help me because you wanted something in return, the least I can do is to give it to you.
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[There. That's the easiest way to explain all of this.]
I know there's no true debt. Nor did I come here because I wanted something in return. Old habits and thought patterns are very, very hard to let go of.
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But while it doesn’t make sense, he at least understands now. Enough to know that there’s nothing really owed. That they did come here for him, not for whatever payment they expected him to give them.
His voice is soft when he speaks. ]
Eat, before the dog wakes up and takes the chance away from you. [ a pause. ] There doesn’t have to be a price for it. But- if you’d rather there be one-
[ This is hard. He doesn’t like saying that he wants things. ]
-I want to sit with you a little while longer. Let me?
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[Alucard sighs. Eating feels more like a chore now, but there. He starts to eat again, but it's cautious and measured. A good way for him to re-steady himself and be comfortable again.]
You can ask whatever questions you have.
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He watches Alucard eat (he is, in fact, being weird about it) as he turns it over in his mind. It’s something he needs to know. To avoid causing harm later on. ]
What’s- what price is too much?
[ What was he trying to protect himself from, by knowing debts were paid? What have people asked of him, that made him afraid like this? He needs to know, to be certain to never ask it himself. ]
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[That one's obvious. Alucard's not happy about how easy the answer comes to him.]
I traded intimacy more than once. I don't wish to do that anymore.
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The first he’d never ask. But the second? He won’t pretend he doesn’t know how he gets when feeding. It’s been restrained this time, because of the injury. But he remembers, perhaps more often and more vividly and more deliberately than is proper, that first time he remembers thinking of them both as just things he could use to make himself happy. Precious and well-loved and protected things, but things nonetheless. And oh, Alucard must have known what he was thinking. It wasn’t exactly subtle.
It’s comforting, in a way, to know that he’s about the worst of humanity. Nice. Even if he looks away from Alucard in shame. ]
Would it help, if I said I would never ask either of you?
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[Alucard's gotten all the meat down. He moves onto the veggies, chewing quietly through all the shame at old memories.]
Sypha doesn't even know about this. I think she's guessed, but never outright asked to confirm. [His smile is anemic (like the rest of him), but it is turned to Trevor all the same.]
You always mean well. I know that.
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So it’s not too much to ask that you come back here, after you next leave?
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[Aluacrd's done eating. There's still some food on his plate, but he's done by the way he flops back into the pillows.]
Just know if I go quiet, there are reasons and it isn't your fault.
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Then that’s all I’ll ever ask of you.
[ It’s important to clarify that, because now that he can think properly again there’s something he wants to do for them both, and he doesn’t want Alucard to think that he owes him for it. ]
You want me to fuck off and let you sleep?
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But sleep. Probably a good idea.]
For a few more hours. May I please have an extra blanket before you go?
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[ He leaves, only for a moment, and returns with a blanket from the next room. Aurelius is done with the plate by the time he returns and yips excitedly at the new blanket, getting caught under it despite Trevor’s best attempts to avoid that and then popping his head back out again to return to his comfy place at Alucard’s feet. ]
I’ll go bother Sypha again. If I’m out of her sight any longer she might worry that I’ve raided some village and stolen all the goats.
[ it’s in good humour, at least. He’s well aware that Sypha trusts him by now. Has from the start. He just likes giving her a difficult time. If she kept her hair long enough for pigtails, he’d be tugging them. ]
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[He's removed some of the pillows, ready to go back to sleep. The blankets are a warm and wonderful weight, aware of how good and warm and safe it is under all the blankets.
It is so strange, being in a place that can be considered safe. That no one can get here, and that there's even a little dog that cares about him. The other shoe will drop one day. For now? He can appreciate this place for what it is.]