Dante just wanted to fuck his favourite author and you know it.
[ That brings a little levity into his voice. Dunking on poets is always a good feeling.
It doesn't last, but he doesn't pull his hand away ]
Am I? Because it feels like I want to see my mother in hell, just so that I know she's where I thought she was. Like I'm the kind of person who'd let people suffer because the alternative is acknowledging that everything I know is wrong. Like it I were the one holding the torch-
[ He pauses at that. He was talking about his own home but. Talking about burning people. Maybe not good. ]
-I like it when she calls me an idiot, you know? Because that makes it all make sense. Of course there's things I don't understand, if I'm an idiot. It's nice, for a while. But then- there's no fucking point in even trying, if I'm just never going to understand anything.
[Alucard doesn't look over at Trevor. That feels wrong, somehow.]
You are. The world after this will always be terrifying. We don't know enough about it - we only get glimpses like the one you did. How we process them and move on, incorporate it to what we do know is what's important.
[ He wraps his arms around Alucard, leaning his chin on his shoulder. There's nothing new about it, the way he's holding him. He's held him in just about every way he can possibly hold someone over the last few weeks, as if there's one way that he just needs to find that would make this better.
What is new is feeling so vulnerable himself. So open. He's been trying to be the strong one. The one least fucked up by all of this. ]
Then we're all here to be strong where the others are weak. I try not to be afraid, so I can protect you both. And if I'm about to do something stupid because I'm scared, you both stop me.
[ALucard doesn't like the idea of all of them being scared. It feels dangerous, because they'll all do something dumb. They're all too vulnerable, and this? This is what Alucard feared the most. Asking Trevor to shoulder all their weight and not being able to shoulder his own.
There's a little shift in the blanket. He's at his comfiest now, resting in Trevor's arms.]
We always have but--
[It's different.]
I don't know what else to tell you. [Not being able to comfort--] I wish I was happier, so that you could have the time to think about this.
Trust me, the last thing I need right now is more time to think.
[ He kisses the back of Alucard's head. It feels natural, by now. The most normal thing in the world. ]
The best distractions I could hope for. Both of you. [ It's not entirely true. If it were, he wouldn't need the foul-smelling grain-based stuff that he's managed to find stashed away in the hold. He doesn't know what he'll do when that runs out in a few weeks. ] Even when you're hurt.
It helps, in some sort of perverse way that he doesn't want to think about too hard. When they need him, nothing else matters. He doesn't need to think, not in the way that spirals down into something dark. He just needs to make things right. ]
Tell me what to do, to make it easier. Even for a moment.
[ Where to kiss, where to hold. He knows he can't make it better, not really. But if he can just make it bearable. Just for a moment. ]
[ Well. His legs will fall asleep eventually. Or someone else will try to bring Dracula back. One or the other. But until then- ]
The rest? I’ll figure out as I go.
[ This kiss? This kiss is deeper. Hungrier. Not obscenely so - god knows he is the opposite of horny right now. But it’s not exactly chaste. His lips push Alucard’s lips back slightly, tngue flicking at teeth. One hand rubs softly at his hip. ]
[Alucard's not sure why he opens his mouth. Just that he does, and he'll blame instinct or wanting or something for it later. It happens all the same, Alucard's eyes closed and all of him seeming to swoon for the effort.
His blanket cape falls from his shoulders slowly. Pools at his hips, covering Trevor's hand in soft wool.]
[ He won't go much further than this. Not carelessly. But he can slip his tongue into Alucard's mouth, stroking against his. There's a balance to navigate. Enough touch to make it better. Not so much that it gets worse again. ]
Enough hurting. [ He whispers it as he withdraws. ] For tonight, at least. Tell me if I go too far?
[ He slips a hand up Alucard's shirt, across his back. It's impossible to pull him closer, at this point, but he tries anyway. It isn't that simple, that he can just say 'no more' and the pain will stop. But he has to try anyway.
And he kisses him again. Just a touch of lips this time. Soft. ]
[There's no scars on his back. Not from Dracula. Not from the chains. It's unblemished, perfectly smooth. Soft. A well lived life, pampered and safe from hardship. A horrible contrast to the rest of the dhampir, and it makes him go still.]
[ He nudges Alucard’s head slightly so he can rest it against his shoulder. Out of kiss range. Sypha would warm her hands with magic before rubbing circles into his back like this, but Trevor can’t do that. He can just move his rough, callused hands over the only expanse of unmarked skin left on their vampire. ]
[Out of kiss range is okay by the dhampir. His head settles against Trevor's shoulder, eyes awake and staring up. Past Trevor, at the now dark sky. There's only a few rays of light remaining.
The little circles are....they're good. They're so good. There's a softer sigh than usual out of him for it.]
[ A little more pressure, until he can feel the muscle beneath the skin. He pushes at it softly, trying to imitate what Sypha does. He’s not entirely sure how she does it, only knows that it makes him feel like all his muscles were in the wrong places and like she’s moving them where they belong and putting him back in order, but he thinks this is about right.
The circles grow wider, spreading out across Alucard’s back. ]
Think you’re up to sleeping in the middle tonight?
[He goes a little slack the more Trevor rubs. It feels good. Soothing. A reminder that not every touch is going to be laced with bad intent, and for that he gets to a much softer place. Eyes closing, the drape of hair moving over his face and Alucard failing to fix it back to where it ought to be.
Mm. Another night of braving her icy feet. [ He digs his fingertips in, just slightly. Teasing. ] I’ll make you into my human shield one day, just you wait.
[ The circles grow outward until there’s no back left, then inward again. With his tree hand, he pulls the blanket back up around Alucard’s shoulders. Keeps that arm there, draped over him. Alucard’s right. He’s doing so, so well tonight already. More might be tempting fate. ]
[ God, that noise. It's one of the stupid little details he finds himself coming back to over and over. Like the way Sypha wiggles her toes when she's excited about something, or the soft little sighs Alucard makes when she helps him dry his hair. Like the soft muffled happy sounds she makes when eating food she likes, or the feeling of Alucard's hand hovering near his shoulder just before it touches. He swallows down a lump in his throat, tilting his head upward a little. ]
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no subject
[ That brings a little levity into his voice. Dunking on poets is always a good feeling.
It doesn't last, but he doesn't pull his hand away ]
Am I? Because it feels like I want to see my mother in hell, just so that I know she's where I thought she was. Like I'm the kind of person who'd let people suffer because the alternative is acknowledging that everything I know is wrong. Like it I were the one holding the torch-
[ He pauses at that. He was talking about his own home but. Talking about burning people. Maybe not good. ]
-I like it when she calls me an idiot, you know? Because that makes it all make sense. Of course there's things I don't understand, if I'm an idiot. It's nice, for a while. But then- there's no fucking point in even trying, if I'm just never going to understand anything.
no subject
[Alucard doesn't look over at Trevor. That feels wrong, somehow.]
You are. The world after this will always be terrifying. We don't know enough about it - we only get glimpses like the one you did. How we process them and move on, incorporate it to what we do know is what's important.
[He can still speak pretty sometimes.]
I don't know what else I can say.
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I shouldn't have made this about my bullshit. It's fine. I just- I guess it's normal to get shaken by this kind of shit.
You going to be okay?
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[He sighs. Then leans sideways into Trevor.]
Probably not.
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[ He lets go of Alucard's hand, but only so he can wrap his arm behind him, letting his hand settle on his hip. ]
Not sure any of us are going to be.
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What happens if none of us are?
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What is new is feeling so vulnerable himself. So open. He's been trying to be the strong one. The one least fucked up by all of this. ]
Then we're all here to be strong where the others are weak. I try not to be afraid, so I can protect you both. And if I'm about to do something stupid because I'm scared, you both stop me.
no subject
There's a little shift in the blanket. He's at his comfiest now, resting in Trevor's arms.]
We always have but--
[It's different.]
I don't know what else to tell you. [Not being able to comfort--] I wish I was happier, so that you could have the time to think about this.
no subject
[ He kisses the back of Alucard's head. It feels natural, by now. The most normal thing in the world. ]
The best distractions I could hope for. Both of you. [ It's not entirely true. If it were, he wouldn't need the foul-smelling grain-based stuff that he's managed to find stashed away in the hold. He doesn't know what he'll do when that runs out in a few weeks. ] Even when you're hurt.
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[He admits it, muffled into Trevor's shirt.]
I want to be better.
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[ Another kiss.
It helps, in some sort of perverse way that he doesn't want to think about too hard. When they need him, nothing else matters. He doesn't need to think, not in the way that spirals down into something dark. He just needs to make things right. ]
Tell me what to do, to make it easier. Even for a moment.
[ Where to kiss, where to hold. He knows he can't make it better, not really. But if he can just make it bearable. Just for a moment. ]
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[That's his answer to everything about his needs. It's true, but no less terribly annoying.]
Stay. Stay here for as long as you can.
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[ Well. His legs will fall asleep eventually. Or someone else will try to bring Dracula back. One or the other. But until then- ]
The rest? I’ll figure out as I go.
[ This kiss? This kiss is deeper. Hungrier. Not obscenely so - god knows he is the opposite of horny right now. But it’s not exactly chaste. His lips push Alucard’s lips back slightly, tngue flicking at teeth. One hand rubs softly at his hip. ]
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His blanket cape falls from his shoulders slowly. Pools at his hips, covering Trevor's hand in soft wool.]
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Enough hurting. [ He whispers it as he withdraws. ] For tonight, at least. Tell me if I go too far?
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He's practically liquid when Trevor pulls away. He tries to use the fabric of his shirt to gain a little steadiness.]
It won't be too many more steps from that--
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[ He slips a hand up Alucard's shirt, across his back. It's impossible to pull him closer, at this point, but he tries anyway. It isn't that simple, that he can just say 'no more' and the pain will stop. But he has to try anyway.
And he kisses him again. Just a touch of lips this time. Soft. ]
Still good?
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The kiss is tentative.]
I can only do one. Not both--
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[ He nudges Alucard’s head slightly so he can rest it against his shoulder. Out of kiss range. Sypha would warm her hands with magic before rubbing circles into his back like this, but Trevor can’t do that. He can just move his rough, callused hands over the only expanse of unmarked skin left on their vampire. ]
Better?
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The little circles are....they're good. They're so good. There's a softer sigh than usual out of him for it.]
Yes. Please, keep going.
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[ A little more pressure, until he can feel the muscle beneath the skin. He pushes at it softly, trying to imitate what Sypha does. He’s not entirely sure how she does it, only knows that it makes him feel like all his muscles were in the wrong places and like she’s moving them where they belong and putting him back in order, but he thinks this is about right.
The circles grow wider, spreading out across Alucard’s back. ]
Think you’re up to sleeping in the middle tonight?
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This is good. Amazing for him even.]
I don't want to push our luck.
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[ The circles grow outward until there’s no back left, then inward again. With his tree hand, he pulls the blanket back up around Alucard’s shoulders. Keeps that arm there, draped over him. Alucard’s right. He’s doing so, so well tonight already. More might be tempting fate. ]
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[He can't laugh about being a shield. But he can make a soft, placated noise at the blanket.]
I'd be okay, if we did this again tomorrow.
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[ God, that noise. It's one of the stupid little details he finds himself coming back to over and over. Like the way Sypha wiggles her toes when she's excited about something, or the soft little sighs Alucard makes when she helps him dry his hair. Like the soft muffled happy sounds she makes when eating food she likes, or the feeling of Alucard's hand hovering near his shoulder just before it touches. He swallows down a lump in his throat, tilting his head upward a little. ]
Just- just this. For as long as you can manage.