cryptsleeper | Inbox for aefenglom

[ Stop looking at him Alucard, he can feel your gaze on him. ]

I... still care about you? Just... I don't know what else I feel.

[ To which he finally just SIGHS because, like with everything when it comes to these things, he's just absolute SHIT at trying to explain it. So, pushing himself away from the door, he throws his hands up some and paces a bit, speckles of red gently touching at the corners of his eyes to show his frustration. ]

I don't know! Everything feels different. I don't feel as much about things like I used to. Like nothing matters anymore.

[I still care about you.

The dhampir visibly relaxes at that. For a horrible moment, he thought this was something else, but no. It isn't breaking up. Good.

So he forces himself to listen. Really listen.

Sounds like depression is the first thought, but then--

--no.]

Usually older vampires feel that way, but it's because they've been alive for so long.

Fuck. I had a feeling this might happen.

[ He mumbles that to himself as he continues to pace. Trying to figure out how similar vampires are here to the ones he's more accustomed to back home has been AN ADVENTURE for him over the past nearly year they've been here now and he's had to play the guinea pig for it. Of course.

Another sigh, this time heavy, he stands there then and pinches the bridge of his nose with two slender pale fingers. ]

I don't... know how to fix this. How to keep myself from just... not caring.

--Okay.

[He has to breathe out. Remind himself that this is a part of vampirism in this stupid place, and that's simply that.]

Come over here first. You're stealing my game, brooding in the corner.

[ Letting his fingers fall away from his face, he remains still for a moment before boots scuff against the flooring of his room and he drops himself down onto the sofa beside Alucard. Quiet, he hangs his head, strands of brown falling in front of his face. ]

I'm sorry. [ Two words that are so incredibly sad and soft. ] I don't want to not care about you anymore... or anyone else I care about here. I never thought I'd have something like this in my life again... people who I care about and care about me in return.

[ He never thought anyone would give a shit about him again. ]

I think... it might be worse. To lose you all because of myself and what I'm becoming instead of through any other means.

[ Because he can fight monsters he'll give his life to protect the people he values and cares about here. But to "lose them" because of what he IS and has no say in being here?? That would hurt more. Even if he couldn't feel it. ]

[Alucard is quick to close the gap between them both. To put both of his arms around Trevor and pull him close. To keep him close, squeezing ever so gently. Warmth rolling off the dhampir's body against the coldness of the Belmont.]

It's worse because you don't choose to do it this time.

[His voice is soft. Almost a whisper.]

Look at me. Tell me how you feel, as it all comes.

[ It's funny to think he's now the cold one and Alucard the one carrying with him a warmth he never really thought the blond would possess. This place having made them both something neither of them were ever for and still, at times, struggle with in their own ways. But... at least they have each other? That counts for something, doesn't it? Even if he's terrified of not caring at some point that he has it- has Alucard there for him.

Doing as asked, he lets those blue eyes speckled with flecks of red that gently begin to recede some look to the blond and he blinks. Slow. ]

Would you... be happier with someone else? Do you think? Someone who... doesn't like the smell of your blood or worry about waking up one night and not feeling anymore?

--Those are questions, Trevor. Not feelings.

[It is a pointedly gentle correction. One that comes with Alucard kissing the top of Trevor's head. Some of it is genuine, the rest a ploy to force him to be warm. Happier. More in touch with these dulling parts of him.

He'll leave the questions alone.]

I was... just giving you a way out. If you wanted one.

[ Being considerate for someone he cares about?? But he looks up then, blue eyes peering to Alucard through brown strands of hair. ]

I don't want to have to rely on blood for feeling things. I can... taste or absorb someone's emotions through blood when I drink if they're strong enough. But I don't want it to be the only way I can feel anything again.

That's still not what I'm asking you to do, Trevor.

[The dhampir sighs, a little weary.]

I want you to sit here and do an inventory of feelings right now. Look at me and tell me how I make you feel. Dig it out of a deep and ice cold well if you must, but try it.

Well sorry for telling you what's on my mind right now.

[ He knows Alucard can't read his mind but GOSH. He's... trying!! ]

I... don't know what I feel.

[ He knows that doesn't help and it's frustrating for the both of them. So he huffs, he puffs, he blows his frustration out and curls his fingers into his palms, nails cutting into pale flesh. ]

Annoyed? Does that count?

[ Fuck. He's trying to remember how blips of things would influence and alter his mood, picking up on what Hector and Berserker felt. ]

Just- give me your hand. I'm not going to bite you.

[Alucard's careful. He strokes Trevor's hair as gently as he can, trying to just prompt warmth. Gentleness. Something, anything at all.

But he'll take confusion and being annoyed. He'll nod along with it, Trevor still gathered up in his arms.]

Annoyed is a start.

[Here he was all set to kiss the Belmont. But for now, he'll move one arm down, letting Trevor take his hand.]

Whatever you need.

[ He likes to think that each of his Bonded alter and influence his mood in a way. That's... liable to sound bad to some, he thinks, but when his own emotions have slowly begun to dull some over the seven(?) months almost now that he's been a vampire, allowing him to feel SOMETHING from someone else - his Bonded - and make it his own or even remind him what it feels like is something he wants- needs to try and see is possible. Because... it makes sense. Theoretically. If they can feel one another through the Bond, if they can pick up on spikes of panic, fear, anger, or heartache, then surely he can tap into whatever they're feeling in the moment or even not, can't he? Maybe. He's not sure and that's why he has Alucard's hand in his.

Fauns are through touch, dragons are through dominance, witches are... what? Through magic? Somehow that doesn't add up as that would imply Alucard needing to cast some spell (like he can??) or swallowing down the magic within his blood and risk those magical explosions all around him like the last time.

Gently, he lets the tips of his pale fingers caress over the back of Alucard's hand and around to the inside of his wrist, blue eyes seeming fixated on doing that yet also searching for something at the same time. Thinking back to the first time they Bonded with one another almost a year ago now, he looks up to the blond then and, reaching up with a hand, lets the tips of those fingers rest against the crook of his neck. Alucard is a witch here but he's also more than that to him. So maybe it's not magic he needs but... something else to feel something.

That's when he kisses him then. Soft, gentle, fingers still resting against his neck. ]

[Alucard's fingers move slowly through Trevor's hair, letting the Belmont figure out what he needs to do to try and at least try this exercise. If he's gained nothing else through this entire experience, Alucard likes to think he has gained patience. In the past he might've snapped for Trevor to just do the damn task as asked. Or else he'd whine and tease that if Trevor was going to kiss him then just do it. But that isn't right for the moment. It hasn't been right for a lot of moments, spent together or with Trevor and Sypha, all slow and kind and patient and so full of love.

That last part is the most important. It's the only thing that matters, and the dhampir hopes that the feeling of real affection does surface through this damned bond.

His breath is shallow with those fingers against his neck. They always are. But with the kiss, Alucard is breathless. His head tilts back. His lips part just a little, wanting Trevor to keep going. Needing him to, to keep trying to plumb the depths of what feelings endure.]

[ The wheels in Trevor's mind start turning. Blood provides him with a nourishment his (undead) body needs but for emotions... it can't just be through the blood because emotions are not blood. They're not something that bleed out of you when you prick your finger or cut yourself on a knife. They're brought forward because of what happened, not because they're in the blood. So maybe, if he can "feed on them" like this...

Trevor gently pushes Alucard back against the sofa and falls into him as he deepens their kiss. It's still gentle, still slow and still carries with it an almost curious way about it on Trevor's end. But he's still careful and slow and gentle with Alucard, even as a hand comes to rest at the small of his back. ]

Don't cut yourself on my fangs. [ He mumbles then. ] I want to taste you, not your blood.

[Alucard's not sure he expected we should talk to end with this, but he's relieved for it. He wouldn't venture happy into the equation, because the circumstances are still dire and worrisome. But this is better, and it is hard for that note of relief not to bleed into all of this.

Flat on his back he may be, but his arms don't move far. The hand that was in Trevor's hair rests against his cheek now, thumb rubbing in small, soft circles, the other hanging freely off the side of the sofa. For now.

An impossibly warm laugh bubbles up from deep in his belly, and it comes with a fleeting smile.]

I could say the exact same thing to you, Trevor.

[ Seeing and hearing Alucard laugh like he is... it's difficult for Trevor NOT to smile himself and ah, it's quite warm as he does. Almost like a mirror of Alucard's own. As he lets the tips of his fingers smooth down the front of the blond's shirt, he tilts his head some and blue eyes stare down to him curiously as he mulls over something. Every time he's with his Bonded, he feels... better. He doesn't feel as detached as he does when it's just him. Up a tree. In the middle of the night. Vampires have a tendency to be rather solitary creatures for the most part, so... maybe that's been influencing the loss or dulling of his emotions.

Maybe he needs to be around his Bonded in order to feel more.

The thought makes Trevor blink and he lets his gaze wander off to the side for a moment before he lets it fall back onto the blond. ]

You and I have sort of been away from one another for a few weeks now, haven't we?

[ The both of them just.. trying to deal with a loss in their own way when, maybe, they should have been dealing with it together. But. They are how they are and sometimes they both need that space to brood in private. ]

I wonder if that's what's weakened what I feel for you. Because when I'm around you... it feels better. I feel a little more like me and not like I'm not me.

[Alucard's hand stays right where it is. He's gotten used to Trevor's skin being so cold, but he'll never be used to it. Or okay with it. It feels right in this moment, and so it stays. He got Trevor to smile. He felt all those facial movements, and that feels like some little victory in these circumstances.

Alucard's eyes close in careful contemplation at the Belmont's words. He's right, isn't he? Being apart just made this worse. It's always worse when they fail to communicate.]

I think you're right. [There's apology and regret in his voice, and his eyes are a little more somber when they open.] It'll be easier now, with things growing darker earlier.

[With summer over and all. Moreover and more importantly, there's a simple question for the time being:] Shall I stay here for the night?

[ With the cooler months coming and the days becoming shorter and shorter, it's the Vampire Season really. When they and all other creatures of the night can come out much earlier and stay out much longer than they can during the spring and summer months.

Taking hold of Alucard's hand, he lets it press to his cheek and turns his head to brush his lips over the heel of the blond's palm as he holds gently to his wrist. ]

I'd like that.

[It's impossible for Alucard not to blush as lips brush over his palm. Sometimes it's embarrassing how stupid he gets over the little gestures. How they seem to cut to the heart of everything. Tender moments always do this.

His other hand finally moves, resting against Trevor's chest. Where his heart ought to be beating.]

I'd like more like that.

Then I guess that makes two of us.

[ Even as he mumbles the words, he lets his lips ghost their way down the inside of Alucard's wrist and along his arm as he leans in against him a little more. He's mindful of his weight and not outright pinning him there since, well, this is the sofa and not the bed. But still he finds himself wanting to drink up every last drop of emotion that he feels for and from Alucard and those lips come to lead him to the blond's collar bone and so close to his neck. ]

The other keep me fed on blood... but yours is the one I always crave the most.

[ He mumbles that with lips pressed to Alucard's collar bone and he comes to look up to him then, blue eyes soft in the way they search his face. ]

You know that what I feel for you is different to how I care about others. Right?

[There's a breathy sigh that could be a sigh of contentment or the word fuck said with unending fondness, or it could just be a noise in response to the sheer thrill that comes with the movement of Trevor's lips. It doesn't matter. It comes out of the dhampir and his heart is all but singing for more.

He wouldn't mind being pinned in this moment. The moment is far too soft, but it'd work. To just be trapped under a comfortable weight and taking turns reminding the other that they're loved.

Ever a terrible stereotype, the neck makes Alucard just that much more excited. That's true even now, and it is a real struggle for him not to just press against those lips and become demanding for attention. That isn't the point.]

I've suspected. [He's not happy about Hector at all, but Alucard forces himself not to reflect on it.] And you're the only one I have. That's by choice.

[ He and Berserker have already had This Talk and about how, while they care for one another a great deal, there's still someone dearest within their hearts that can't be replaced: Diarmuid for the dragon and Alucard for him. He's thankful for the understanding they seem to share about that but... it had made him realize that he an Alucard hadn't... really addressed that much and while this is SUCH a bad moment to do so with being so close to the blond like this, he still feels the need to mention it some. To, hopefully, convey to him that he's different. That no one else compares to him or takes his place, just as no one could ever with Sypha either.

So he lets his own hand gently cradle the side of Alucard's face, fingers forever cool to the touch. ]

Even if you find yourself caring for someone else here, I know what you and I have is... it can't be touched by anyone else. I just want to you to know that.

[ That he always comes back to him. ]

Do you want to go to the bed for... [ you know. ]

Edited 2020-09-30 02:14 (UTC)

[It was only ever going to be Trevor or Sypha, wasn't it? If Alucard had ended up here alone, maybe it'd be different. Maybe he might've gone and exploded in a fit of rage magic. Or just given into some halfhearted bond because he needed to be responsible. But it wouldn't have worked, because only Trevor and Sypha had met the worst of Alucard and could be comfortable with it.

He can't imagine not being bonded and it involving romance, and there's just...nothing else he wants.

Alucard breathes out, shifting his face slightly to nuzzle against Trevor's fingers.]

I know.

[It is worth saying all the same.]

--Please. As long as it's like this.

[Warm. Loving. Making a point to be expressive, because it has become painfully clear they both need this. Not just Trevor.]

[ That gets him to chuckle some. ]

I only get really bad when I've drank blood.

[ When the more carnal side to his vampire self is more "awake and dominant" in a manner of speaking. Though: ]

Just in case you're ever in the mood for that.

[ He winks, mostly teasing because This Is Alucard but hey, not like he'll deny his partner that sort of fun if he ever wants it. For now, though, he'll keep it as it is, feeling it might be more what they need in this moment here between them.

So, pulling back, he tugs at the blond's wrist to help him up and dips down then to kiss along his neck as fingers begin to blindly feel around for buttons or strings or whatever's needed to help him out of that shirt. ]

You smell so good. All mine. My moody blond asshole.

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