At first, he thought that it was just Alucard. It would make sense, if that were the case, even if he didn't like it. He was the one with fangs, and so it was perhaps natural that when his hands or hair or breath brushed over the side of his neck that still had sensation, this bullshit would happen. And it was bullshit, but Alucard had always been careful about their necks anyway. It didn't change much.
Then it happened with Sypha, as well, and the look of hurt and guilt on her face was almost worse than the suffocating, gurgling feeling of not being able to take in breath and the wrenching, cracking one of his skull reforming and
He likes to think of it as more inconvenient and annoying than distressing, but he likes to think a lot of things that are not true.
Now, it's become so bad that he can't even wear clothes that brush against his throat. Which is inconvenient, because the beautiful cloak that Alucard gave to him as a wedding gift falls into that category. And, seeing as how it's the middle of fucking winter, he'd quite like to wear it. The castle might be heated, but the garden is not. ]
Adrian. [ He doesn't always use his husband's given name, even now. When he does, it's usually a precursor to saying something sickeningly saccharine. Which also meant it tends to be a precursor toother things. But even though they're in bed, Alucard's head rested on his chest while he reads, the tone is wrong for that. Too heavy.
It's vulnerability that using that name signifies, not just saying some bullshit that makes the vampire kiss him. The two just happen to overlap a lot. ] I want you to feed from me.
[Necks were always perilous propositions. Alucard knew that from the outset of this, now more than three years ago, and he took great pains to be careful about necks that were not his. He always asked permission, and even then he was terribly delicate, and always made a point to not brush against veins unless told to do so. (Usually by Sypha.)
So after everything, it was only natural that he intended to give Trevor's neck a wide berth. That never excluded accidentally brushing against it, and the reaction it got was gutwrenching. Alucard hated it, and that only fueled his desire to be cautious. But when the matter happened with Sypha, it was clear that this? This was another part of the psychological fall out of the awful events of spring coming home to rest.
And it's gotten worse. Alucard and Sypha have spoken quietly when Trevor hasn't been around, debating and pulling their hair over what to do. It's an ever too elusive solution, and the question has come to occupy most of Alucard's thoughts when he's silent. Even reading doesn't free him from worry.
The garden helps though. It's warm and bright and far too sunny even in winter, and Alucard reads there during the daylight. In bed, listening to Trevor's heartbeat (their miracle of science and faith) does much the same.
His eyes go up from the book when Trevor says his name. Alucard knows all of Trevor's tones now, and the weight in this one already has him worried.
The worry is justified. The right response doesn't exist, but Alucard has theories.]
[ He tries. The words don’t leave his mouth right the first time. Admitting to being afraid isn’t something he does, even when it’s clear as day that that’s what it is. ]
Can’t a man offer his husband a snack without being questioned?
[ It’s a dismissive tone, at first, that he settles on. For a moment, it seems like he’s regrown his self-conciousness and that the vulnerability has passed. It never lasts for long. He tries again. ]
...the cloak. The one you gave me. I can’t wear it any more. Brushes against the neck.
[There's quiet. There's soft contemplation, because in a way, there is logic here. Have the fear happen again in a safe environment, and then it loses it's power.
But it chafes. Alucard's never bitten then. It's a point of pride. He's rarely even taken human blood, and that too is more a mark of arrogance than anything else.
So his quiet continues, the only sound being that of the book closing.]
[ It's the honest answer. He doesn't know it will help. He doesn't know if he even believes it will help, because it's hard to tell the difference sometimes between things that need to be done and things that he's simply doing to punish himself. And this, this could well be either. ]
I just know that it's stupid, getting all fucked up over tiny things like this. And I want to stop doing it. And- [ ugh, this is going to be one of those sappy things. ] -I don't want there to be any part of you I don't love. And that means I need to get the fuck over myself.
[Alucard moves the book off of Trevor's chest and onto the side, then draws himself up all too slowly. It gives him moments to consider all of this, with one hand reaching to take Trevor's. His right, because that's where his ring sits.
His thumb moves over it as Alucard speaks. He wants to respond to the sap, to bundle Trevor up and turn it all back on him, but no. Practical is the only thing that matters.]
Sypha and I have been trying to figure out what to do for you for some time now. [It's their husband, they worry.] I dislike this, but it's the first viable option if we plan it carefully.
[Which is to say there's going to be rules.]
Not in our room. Medical kit is right next to us. You tell me when to start and stop. And I do not take from the vein. Doing so takes much too long to heal.
[ -could, if you wanted dies on his lips, because he realises almost immediately after he starts speaking that none of this is what Alucard wants. It’s just his husband indulging him. Indulging him and his stupid fears. ] -Thank you. I’ll try not to get spooked and stake you. No promises.
[ The moment of vulnerability is over, for the moment, and he’s grateful for it. Being honest about things is fucking exhausting. ]
[This is about Trevor and about managing a massive fear. Giving him utter control over it feels like the only good and correct solution, everything else be damned. Alucard's finger is still resting atop Trevor's ring. It hasn't stilled.]
I think we've learned that I can survive most stakings anyway.
[That is garbage reassurance, but true.]
It was the expression on your face that made us realize how worried we ought to be. [They had always been worried.] Besides there...
[His turn for the vulnerable, perhaps.]
After her, all the emotions hit at once, at the same time as physical recovery. This had felt sort of like a delay, if that makes sense.
[ He nods at Alucard's recounting of Carmilla's crimes. He doesn't really want to think of the experiences as similar. He wasn't alone the way Alucard was. Nobody was deliberately hurting him, not after the initial bite. He was just- sick. In a horrible way, but it was so easy in comparison. Nothing that feels like it deserves any of this. ]
It was easier, while I was still recovering. It was just the shitty side of my neck, and I can barely feel anything there. But it bothered me, so I avoided letting things rub against it. And then it started bothering me more, because I was avoiding it, and-
[ -and sometime between then and now, it got out of control. He hates this. It feels like confessing a sin, admitting to being so weak that he can't bear a few scary thoughts ]
It used to just be that I couldn't breathe. [ 'Just.' ] Now I feel the inside of my head cracking. I can hear it. Every time. It's a fucking miracle it's yet to happen on a full stomach, I doubt I'd keep any of it down.
[This is the important part. Listening. The finger that has been resting over Trevor's ring now does the simplest action of all: lacing their fingers together and squeezing with a perfected gentleness that no one outside the other two would know that the vampire holds too much strength.
Words aren't useful in these moments either. What can the vampire say? Nothing is going to make it better, and it's wrenchingly awful to hear.
Eventually there are words. Calm and rational and loving.]
What was a defense mechanism at first became a problem.
[Alucard knows that he can't say more than that. He squeezes Trevor's hand.]
If this doesn't work, we'll keep working until we find something that does. I promise.
[ He nods, looking at their entwined fingers. This is the way things are. This is the way things will still be, even if this fails. ]
I know you will.
[ And he brings their joined hands up to his lips to kiss Alucard's knuckles and the ring on his finger. ]
It's going to fucking suck - excuse the pun - but don't stop until I say to. Not unless you think I can't say it. I'll get- however it is I get, when this happens. And It's going to be awful, but don't stop just because I'm acting a little off.
I'm going to act like a shit, but I'll figure out a way to make it up to you.
[It's a basic truth that kissing the vampire's hand will never fail to get a reaction from him. Now is no different, and the telltale color in his cheeks is still there.]
Give me a word that will tell me when to stop, either because it's fixed or because the matter isn't working at all. Is that fair?
[Good job Alucard you've understood the concept of safewords.]
‘Stop’ should work, but- shit. It’s hard to just come up with a word on the spot. I don’t fucking know- blackberries?
[ They had a successful harvest of the things a few days ago, and so predictably this has ended in some sort of hot, blackberry-based dessert at every evening meal as they work through the bounty before and of them rot. ]
Blackberries. You’re probably sick of eating the things anyway.
[Fuck you, he was going to make mousse out of them because what good is vampire speed if not for whipping eggwhites to stiff peaks hundreds of years before stand mixers?]
There's a spare bedroom two doors down that's still furnished. [It's never been used, and is mostly there in case they convince the Speakers to come in from the cold and not just camp out in the main hall.] We can use that, the rugs there are dense.
[Not doing this in any bed is a carefully curated thing. That'll make things weirder.]
[ He'd been expecting a lot more arguing over this. That it's gone so smoothly - he must have worried the both of them tremendously.
Which means he thought he'd have a lot more time before it became real He swallows nervously, squeezing Alucard's hand. Soon. Before he loses his nerve. ]
[One of Alucard's hands finds it's way to Trevor's hair. It digs in, gently stroking through what he can reach. It isn't much, they're at terrible angles, but it's important.]
Bucket of water on hand and antiseptic to wash everything out. Clean cloths. Bandages. It shouldn't need more than that.
[ Not that getting an infection is better, but at least it doesn't sting nearly so much initially. As Alucard's hands find their way into his hair, he snakes his own arms around the vampire's chest, pulling him close. ]
Tomorrow, after Sypha's asleep. I'll get everything together suring the day. And then I can be over this bullshit. [ He kisses the top of Allucard's head. ] And I'm sure I'll find some way to repay you.
[They're practically flush against each other now. Alucard sighs, content with that fact if not the topic of their conversation. If this goes any way into fixing the problem though, it'll be worth it.
He sighs into Trevor's chest.]
We will have to tell her, you know, even if it's just after the fact. Having a bandage on your neck will give everything away.
Pretty sure the stinging part isn’t the point. Unless you’re trying to train me out of getting cuts and scrapes.
[ The closeness is blessing and curse both when it comes to talking about this. It makes words come easier, and that’s good. But it also makes half those words come out far more raw and honest than he’d like. And the other half come out vaguely dirty sounding. ]
Well, she’s welcome to bite me as well. Wouldn’t want anyone feeling left out. [ He laughs, then kisses again. ] I’ll tell her the day after, at breakfast. If it works, we can give her the good news.
[He's still Trevor. He will always get bumps and cuts fighting things of the night, for that is as much part and parcel of Trevor Belmont as kissing a specific vampire is.
Alucard's long since learned that the safest place for these conversations is in one of their arms. Words do come easier. That's the trick to talking about the hard things: it has to be like this. Or that scar game.]
That'll do. [Alucard picks his head up slightly, just enough to look at Trevor.]
[He lingers for a moment, their foreheads together and no other movement. Skin on skin contact, the warmth it involves, the sheer luxury of Trevor's heartbeat is a greater luxury than ever before. Alucard's trained himself to never take it for granted.
Something else is, of course, kissing the Belmont, all sweetness and adoration. It's not chaste, but it isn't trying to move beyond their current space either. If anything, there is gratitude embedded within, that Trevor was able to say something. To show that rare vulnerability and not only ask for help, but have a plan already in place.]
[ He laughs, returning the kiss. It’s a little halting at first, a little too far-too-aware of Alucard’s fangs, but he finds his rhythm before long. It’s the most natural thing in the world by now, after all, to express adoration this way. Even if talking about it is still a little difficult even now. It’s not leading anywhere, but it really doesn’t need to.
Sypha makes her way to them eventually, shoving her way into the middle because it’s winter and that’s where she wants to be, and that’s not a problem at all. The night passes, and then the next day (the mousse is wonderful, and the greenhouse’s blackberry plants seem to be threatening to keep this up all winter) and it’s barely any time at all before Trevor is nervously letting go of Alucard’s hand to open the door to the spare room. Everything Alucard said they would need is here, along with a few things he didn’t mention. There’s food - some strips of dried meat, a cup of bone broth and another of water. And there’s the Vampire Killer. ]
I trust you. [ He says it hastily, trying to get the wordsin before Alucard reached his own conclusion. ] I’m not going to use it, I just-
Every angle, but this one stands out at the moment.
(And then it seems that is that. Their furnace is where she ought to be, and the night passes by with a calmness that has been absent for some time.
When evening comes again, the vampire looks around the room and considers the additions. Even with Vampire Killer's presence, he does little more than nod.)
Understood. Will it help if your are seated atop me for this?
[ He considers it, and he considers it as a tactician. Less escape routes is his immediate thought. It’s potentially a good thing - he can’t trust himself not to just run - but it also means he’ll be cornered, magnifying everything. It’ll be a more comfortable position for Alucard, keeping him from needing to bend his neck too much biting down from above, but at the same time it’ll take a few more crucial milliseconds for the vampire to withdraw his fangs if he starts struggling enough for them to do damage. It can’t be about what he wants (and he’s just as conflicted on that, even if it were). ]
It will, but you’ll need to try to keep me still. I think I’ll struggle more, and that’s not a great combination with fangs in ones neck. [ He sighs, because he knows that’s asking a lot of Alucard. It’s not the first time he’ll have had to hold him still for his own safety, and Trevor knows he’s probably not the only one who’s still a little fucked up over all of the events on the Trantoul estate. ]
I love you. And I trust you. And if I’m an asshole about this, I promise it’s just the fear talking. Whatever asshole scared me does, I swear I’ll make it right.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cryptsleeper) wrote2018-11-10 11:26 pm
Brushes the dust off this post
At first, he thought that it was just Alucard. It would make sense, if that were the case, even if he didn't like it. He was the one with fangs, and so it was perhaps natural that when his hands or hair or breath brushed over the side of his neck that still had sensation, this bullshit would happen. And it was bullshit, but Alucard had always been careful about their necks anyway. It didn't change much.
Then it happened with Sypha, as well, and the look of hurt and guilt on her face was almost worse than the suffocating, gurgling feeling of not being able to take in breath and the wrenching, cracking one of his skull reforming and
He likes to think of it as more inconvenient and annoying than distressing, but he likes to think a lot of things that are not true.
Now, it's become so bad that he can't even wear clothes that brush against his throat. Which is inconvenient, because the beautiful cloak that Alucard gave to him as a wedding gift falls into that category. And, seeing as how it's the middle of fucking winter, he'd quite like to wear it. The castle might be heated, but the garden is not. ]
Adrian. [ He doesn't always use his husband's given name, even now. When he does, it's usually a precursor to saying something sickeningly saccharine. Which also meant it tends to be a precursor toother things. But even though they're in bed, Alucard's head rested on his chest while he reads, the tone is wrong for that. Too heavy.
It's vulnerability that using that name signifies, not just saying some bullshit that makes the vampire kiss him. The two just happen to overlap a lot. ] I want you to feed from me.
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So after everything, it was only natural that he intended to give Trevor's neck a wide berth. That never excluded accidentally brushing against it, and the reaction it got was gutwrenching. Alucard hated it, and that only fueled his desire to be cautious. But when the matter happened with Sypha, it was clear that this? This was another part of the psychological fall out of the awful events of spring coming home to rest.
And it's gotten worse. Alucard and Sypha have spoken quietly when Trevor hasn't been around, debating and pulling their hair over what to do. It's an ever too elusive solution, and the question has come to occupy most of Alucard's thoughts when he's silent. Even reading doesn't free him from worry.
The garden helps though. It's warm and bright and far too sunny even in winter, and Alucard reads there during the daylight. In bed, listening to Trevor's heartbeat (their miracle of science and faith) does much the same.
His eyes go up from the book when Trevor says his name. Alucard knows all of Trevor's tones now, and the weight in this one already has him worried.
The worry is justified. The right response doesn't exist, but Alucard has theories.]
...What's brought this on?
[Not what?, all indignation. Why?]
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Can’t a man offer his husband a snack without being questioned?
[ It’s a dismissive tone, at first, that he settles on. For a moment, it seems like he’s regrown his self-conciousness and that the vulnerability has passed. It never lasts for long. He tries again. ]
...the cloak. The one you gave me. I can’t wear it any more. Brushes against the neck.
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But it chafes. Alucard's never bitten then. It's a point of pride. He's rarely even taken human blood, and that too is more a mark of arrogance than anything else.
So his quiet continues, the only sound being that of the book closing.]
Do you believe this will help?
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[ It's the honest answer. He doesn't know it will help. He doesn't know if he even believes it will help, because it's hard to tell the difference sometimes between things that need to be done and things that he's simply doing to punish himself. And this, this could well be either. ]
I just know that it's stupid, getting all fucked up over tiny things like this. And I want to stop doing it. And- [ ugh, this is going to be one of those sappy things. ] -I don't want there to be any part of you I don't love. And that means I need to get the fuck over myself.
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His thumb moves over it as Alucard speaks. He wants to respond to the sap, to bundle Trevor up and turn it all back on him, but no. Practical is the only thing that matters.]
Sypha and I have been trying to figure out what to do for you for some time now. [It's their husband, they worry.] I dislike this, but it's the first viable option if we plan it carefully.
[Which is to say there's going to be rules.]
Not in our room. Medical kit is right next to us. You tell me when to start and stop. And I do not take from the vein. Doing so takes much too long to heal.
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[ -could, if you wanted dies on his lips, because he realises almost immediately after he starts speaking that none of this is what Alucard wants. It’s just his husband indulging him. Indulging him and his stupid fears. ] -Thank you. I’ll try not to get spooked and stake you. No promises.
[ The moment of vulnerability is over, for the moment, and he’s grateful for it. Being honest about things is fucking exhausting. ]
Shit, was it really that much of a problem?
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I think we've learned that I can survive most stakings anyway.
[That is garbage reassurance, but true.]
It was the expression on your face that made us realize how worried we ought to be. [They had always been worried.] Besides there...
[His turn for the vulnerable, perhaps.]
After her, all the emotions hit at once, at the same time as physical recovery. This had felt sort of like a delay, if that makes sense.
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[ He nods at Alucard's recounting of Carmilla's crimes. He doesn't really want to think of the experiences as similar. He wasn't alone the way Alucard was. Nobody was deliberately hurting him, not after the initial bite. He was just- sick. In a horrible way, but it was so easy in comparison. Nothing that feels like it deserves any of this. ]
It was easier, while I was still recovering. It was just the shitty side of my neck, and I can barely feel anything there. But it bothered me, so I avoided letting things rub against it. And then it started bothering me more, because I was avoiding it, and-
[ -and sometime between then and now, it got out of control. He hates this. It feels like confessing a sin, admitting to being so weak that he can't bear a few scary thoughts ]
It used to just be that I couldn't breathe. [ 'Just.' ] Now I feel the inside of my head cracking. I can hear it. Every time. It's a fucking miracle it's yet to happen on a full stomach, I doubt I'd keep any of it down.
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Words aren't useful in these moments either. What can the vampire say? Nothing is going to make it better, and it's wrenchingly awful to hear.
Eventually there are words. Calm and rational and loving.]
What was a defense mechanism at first became a problem.
[Alucard knows that he can't say more than that. He squeezes Trevor's hand.]
If this doesn't work, we'll keep working until we find something that does. I promise.
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I know you will.
[ And he brings their joined hands up to his lips to kiss Alucard's knuckles and the ring on his finger. ]
It's going to fucking suck - excuse the pun - but don't stop until I say to. Not unless you think I can't say it. I'll get- however it is I get, when this happens. And It's going to be awful, but don't stop just because I'm acting a little off.
I'm going to act like a shit, but I'll figure out a way to make it up to you.
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Give me a word that will tell me when to stop, either because it's fixed or because the matter isn't working at all. Is that fair?
[Good job Alucard you've understood the concept of safewords.]
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[ They had a successful harvest of the things a few days ago, and so predictably this has ended in some sort of hot, blackberry-based dessert at every evening meal as they work through the bounty before and of them rot. ]
Blackberries. You’re probably sick of eating the things anyway.
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[Fuck you, he was going to make mousse out of them because what good is vampire speed if not for whipping eggwhites to stiff peaks hundreds of years before stand mixers?]
There's a spare bedroom two doors down that's still furnished. [It's never been used, and is mostly there in case they convince the Speakers to come in from the cold and not just camp out in the main hall.] We can use that, the rugs there are dense.
[Not doing this in any bed is a carefully curated thing. That'll make things weirder.]
Unless there's another way you'd prefer?
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[ He'd been expecting a lot more arguing over this. That it's gone so smoothly - he must have worried the both of them tremendously.
Which means he thought he'd have a lot more time before it became real He swallows nervously, squeezing Alucard's hand. Soon. Before he loses his nerve. ]
What medical supplies would you want to hand?
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Bucket of water on hand and antiseptic to wash everything out. Clean cloths. Bandages. It shouldn't need more than that.
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[ Not that getting an infection is better, but at least it doesn't sting nearly so much initially. As Alucard's hands find their way into his hair, he snakes his own arms around the vampire's chest, pulling him close. ]
Tomorrow, after Sypha's asleep. I'll get everything together suring the day. And then I can be over this bullshit. [ He kisses the top of Allucard's head. ] And I'm sure I'll find some way to repay you.
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[They're practically flush against each other now. Alucard sighs, content with that fact if not the topic of their conversation. If this goes any way into fixing the problem though, it'll be worth it.
He sighs into Trevor's chest.]
We will have to tell her, you know, even if it's just after the fact. Having a bandage on your neck will give everything away.
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[ The closeness is blessing and curse both when it comes to talking about this. It makes words come easier, and that’s good. But it also makes half those words come out far more raw and honest than he’d like. And the other half come out vaguely dirty sounding. ]
Well, she’s welcome to bite me as well. Wouldn’t want anyone feeling left out. [ He laughs, then kisses again. ] I’ll tell her the day after, at breakfast. If it works, we can give her the good news.
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[He's still Trevor. He will always get bumps and cuts fighting things of the night, for that is as much part and parcel of Trevor Belmont as kissing a specific vampire is.
Alucard's long since learned that the safest place for these conversations is in one of their arms. Words do come easier. That's the trick to talking about the hard things: it has to be like this. Or that scar game.]
That'll do. [Alucard picks his head up slightly, just enough to look at Trevor.]
Lean down.
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Fucking beautiful. Even when you’re talking about antiseptic.
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[He lingers for a moment, their foreheads together and no other movement. Skin on skin contact, the warmth it involves, the sheer luxury of Trevor's heartbeat is a greater luxury than ever before. Alucard's trained himself to never take it for granted.
Something else is, of course, kissing the Belmont, all sweetness and adoration. It's not chaste, but it isn't trying to move beyond their current space either. If anything, there is gratitude embedded within, that Trevor was able to say something. To show that rare vulnerability and not only ask for help, but have a plan already in place.]
Far too handsome at this angle.
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[ He laughs, returning the kiss. It’s a little halting at first, a little too far-too-aware of Alucard’s fangs, but he finds his rhythm before long. It’s the most natural thing in the world by now, after all, to express adoration this way. Even if talking about it is still a little difficult even now. It’s not leading anywhere, but it really doesn’t need to.
Sypha makes her way to them eventually, shoving her way into the middle because it’s winter and that’s where she wants to be, and that’s not a problem at all. The night passes, and then the next day (the mousse is wonderful, and the greenhouse’s blackberry plants seem to be threatening to keep this up all winter) and it’s barely any time at all before Trevor is nervously letting go of Alucard’s hand to open the door to the spare room. Everything Alucard said they would need is here, along with a few things he didn’t mention. There’s food - some strips of dried meat, a cup of bone broth and another of water. And there’s the Vampire Killer. ]
I trust you. [ He says it hastily, trying to get the wordsin before Alucard reached his own conclusion. ] I’m not going to use it, I just-
[ He just needs it to feel safe. ]
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(And then it seems that is that. Their furnace is where she ought to be, and the night passes by with a calmness that has been absent for some time.
When evening comes again, the vampire looks around the room and considers the additions. Even with Vampire Killer's presence, he does little more than nod.)
Understood. Will it help if your are seated atop me for this?
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It will, but you’ll need to try to keep me still. I think I’ll struggle more, and that’s not a great combination with fangs in ones neck. [ He sighs, because he knows that’s asking a lot of Alucard. It’s not the first time he’ll have had to hold him still for his own safety, and Trevor knows he’s probably not the only one who’s still a little fucked up over all of the events on the Trantoul estate. ]
I love you. And I trust you. And if I’m an asshole about this, I promise it’s just the fear talking. Whatever asshole scared me does, I swear I’ll make it right.
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