[ He lifts his good arm to cover his left eye, letting the sunlight filter in slowly through his fingers. Everything already aches, no need to give himself a migraine on top of it. It's only when he pulls the hand back and really pays attention that he notices the concern and sighs. His shoulders drop and he smiles. Weakly, but he's trying.
He's grateful for everything, he really is. Even if he's done nothing but complain and blame himself for things for a while now. ]
Hey. I'm alive. That's- much better than I was expecting this to end. And I fucked up. A lot. But you gave me a shot at making it right, so I'm going to do it. [ He doesn't touch Alucard, settling instead for resting his hand on the edge of the bed near to him. ] This ends with her dead and us alive. Everything else we can deal with afterward.
[Alucard's done this an awful lot lately. Falling into awkward silences when he has nothing else to say. Wanting those words to come and then wanting to scream when they don't. It's horribly frustrating and he hates it, and all that's left for him is gestures.
He leans down and puts a kiss to Trevor's forehead. Not the top of his head, but forehead. It's quick and unsure, but God it's trying so hard to say I love you.]
[ In truth, he's started to resign himself to the fact that whatever relationship he and Alucard have, it's always going to be one without touch. It's- difficult to get his head around, because the only benchmarks he has for positive relationships are with his family or with Sypha, none of whom had the same difficulties. But it's ceased to be a source of distress. It's just the way things are.
It means he's been trying to make the most of the contact they unavoidably have lately. The few moments in his arms as he's moved into the chair or in and out of the bath. A hand on his shoulder as he tries to use the stick to walk. Enjoying it seems a little wrong, because it isn't as if Alucard wants to have those moments of contact, but it's also the closest they'll ever get to physical closeness.
And then Alucard kisses him and he just looks up, stunned. That just happened. They don't touch, not unless there's some practical reason, and yet that just happened. ]
Heh. [ He says uselessly after a moment, for want of anything to fill the silence. ] Sypha's going to get jealous now, you know.
I- [ love you too. ] -when you're ready, for all of this, you know I'll be here. That mess didn't get rid of me, doubt anything else will any time soon.
[Alucard has long since worried that he won't be able to embrace the two as they want to him to. Not in their lifetimes at least, and with that? That comes with an awful lot of guilt. It isn't fair to either of them to be left wanting for a lifetime. In the worst moments, he still wants to tell them to go and be happy together, that he'll rest in the crypt for now, and maybe he'll be able to look after any children they have.
It's gotten worse in recovery. Alucard's seen how Sypha so easily embraces Trevor. Holds him, comforts him, makes it clear that everything is healing. It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't.
Worst of it all, he wants to say that it's all Carmilla's fault, but it isn't. If Alucard had tried harder to get through this earlier, if he had put in more effort, if, if, ififif.]
That's only if she finds out.
[It's a bad joke. One that comes with a strained laugh.]
I know, Trevor. And I'm just...[He stops, running a hand through his hair for want of something else.]
[ He's going to have to actually say it, isn't he? Shit. ]
I love you. [ THERE. FINE. HE DID IT. ] We love you. And if this- if this is what loving you ends up looking like forever, then that's what we've chosen. We've chosen to be near to you, and it's not because we want more than that.
[ He sighs, rubbing the back of his head with his good hand. ]
You're not something broken that we have to fix. I- thought you were, at first. But- you know. Turns out there are things in the world that aren't just problems that need to be solved.
But more than saying the thing, he said more important things than just love. That this is okay. Well, not the injuries, but that Alucard can only do as much as he can right now. That Trevor's own preoccupations have learned to step back and give Alucard's own problems time to breathe and resolve.
He can feel the threat of tears in the corner of his eyes. And then Alucard kisses him again. It's quick and terrified but it's against Trevor's lips. He withdraws, but it isn't before managing a very soft, very breathless:] I love you too.
[ He doesn’t touch Alucard. He wants to, he wants to so much, but he doesn’t. Not yet. Maybe not ever, and that doesn’t have to be a sad thing. Just the way things are, the result of the choices people have made, just like the two fingers that end at knuckles. Just like Carmilla’s missing fang.
He does, however, touch the fabric of Alucard’s shirt. Holds it between thumb and finger for just a moment, tugging at it the way the pups used to tug at his sister’s skirts to remind her that they were there and they loved her. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ He lifts his good arm to cover his left eye, letting the sunlight filter in slowly through his fingers. Everything already aches, no need to give himself a migraine on top of it. It's only when he pulls the hand back and really pays attention that he notices the concern and sighs. His shoulders drop and he smiles. Weakly, but he's trying.
He's grateful for everything, he really is. Even if he's done nothing but complain and blame himself for things for a while now. ]
Hey. I'm alive. That's- much better than I was expecting this to end. And I fucked up. A lot. But you gave me a shot at making it right, so I'm going to do it. [ He doesn't touch Alucard, settling instead for resting his hand on the edge of the bed near to him. ] This ends with her dead and us alive. Everything else we can deal with afterward.
no subject
[Alucard's done this an awful lot lately. Falling into awkward silences when he has nothing else to say. Wanting those words to come and then wanting to scream when they don't. It's horribly frustrating and he hates it, and all that's left for him is gestures.
He leans down and puts a kiss to Trevor's forehead. Not the top of his head, but forehead. It's quick and unsure, but God it's trying so hard to say I love you.]
no subject
It means he's been trying to make the most of the contact they unavoidably have lately. The few moments in his arms as he's moved into the chair or in and out of the bath. A hand on his shoulder as he tries to use the stick to walk. Enjoying it seems a little wrong, because it isn't as if Alucard wants to have those moments of contact, but it's also the closest they'll ever get to physical closeness.
And then Alucard kisses him and he just looks up, stunned. That just happened. They don't touch, not unless there's some practical reason, and yet that just happened. ]
Heh. [ He says uselessly after a moment, for want of anything to fill the silence. ] Sypha's going to get jealous now, you know.
I- [ love you too. ] -when you're ready, for all of this, you know I'll be here. That mess didn't get rid of me, doubt anything else will any time soon.
no subject
It's gotten worse in recovery. Alucard's seen how Sypha so easily embraces Trevor. Holds him, comforts him, makes it clear that everything is healing. It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't.
Worst of it all, he wants to say that it's all Carmilla's fault, but it isn't. If Alucard had tried harder to get through this earlier, if he had put in more effort, if, if, ififif.]
That's only if she finds out.
[It's a bad joke. One that comes with a strained laugh.]
I know, Trevor. And I'm just...[He stops, running a hand through his hair for want of something else.]
I'm sorry. About everything.
no subject
[ He's going to have to actually say it, isn't he? Shit. ]
I love you. [ THERE. FINE. HE DID IT. ] We love you. And if this- if this is what loving you ends up looking like forever, then that's what we've chosen. We've chosen to be near to you, and it's not because we want more than that.
[ He sighs, rubbing the back of his head with his good hand. ]
You're not something broken that we have to fix. I- thought you were, at first. But- you know. Turns out there are things in the world that aren't just problems that need to be solved.
no subject
But more than saying the thing, he said more important things than just love. That this is okay. Well, not the injuries, but that Alucard can only do as much as he can right now. That Trevor's own preoccupations have learned to step back and give Alucard's own problems time to breathe and resolve.
He can feel the threat of tears in the corner of his eyes. And then Alucard kisses him again. It's quick and terrified but it's against Trevor's lips. He withdraws, but it isn't before managing a very soft, very breathless:] I love you too.
no subject
He does, however, touch the fabric of Alucard’s shirt. Holds it between thumb and finger for just a moment, tugging at it the way the pups used to tug at his sister’s skirts to remind her that they were there and they loved her. ]
Then we’ll be fine. All of us.