Catch All

[cryptsleeper]

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[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard's head picks up just a little when Trevor walks in. His nostrils flare, relieved for the familiar scent.

When he speaks, his voice is so very thick and weary.]

Trevor?

[miraclewhip]

You're still awake.

[ He sets the crown down, then goes to his chair. It's close enough to the bed that if both of them reach out their arms he can touch Alucard's hand, and that's the only contact they've really had recently. ]

What happened?

[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard's not laid down in bed, not really. He's coocooned himself up so much that the thickness of the furs has him on an angle. But with Trevor there, he sits up entirely.]

A final missive from my father. [His voice is soft, eyes refusing to meet Trevor's.]

It reads as a last note and farewell if he never returns.

[miraclewhip]

Oh.

[ He doesn't know how to respond to that. Even if he wasn't so preoccupied with not making this weird he wouldn't know what to say. He never had warning, and maybe that was in part a blessing. There was never the slow, encroaching dread. ]

All we can do is keep you safe, so you'll see him again should he come back.

[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard's shoulders manage to slump even more forward.]

I've never felt so alone.

[miraclewhip]

It's not forever. Just until they return. Both of them.

[ This is the part where he's meant to say that he's not alone, but oops. ]

[cryptsleeper]

Trevor, you won't even touch me.

[miraclewhip]

What? Of course I will.

[ He's trying to play dumb. Like he doesn't understand what Alucard means. He does, of course he does. And he knows it must hurt.

But it's still better. It's less wrong to be distant than to- everything he's done. Even a month later, he's still going over that last kiss in his head. How much distress Alucard must have been in, and how his body decided that it ought to turn offering comfort into something closer to taking advantage. He extends a hand, resting it on the edge of the mattress. ]

This is just- more appropriate.

[cryptsleeper]

I don't care about appropriate!

[Maybe it comes out demanding. Or scared. Or childish. Or something else entirely. No matter what is there, the distress is plain, and Alucard doesn't reach for Trevor's hand. He brings his knees up and hugs them close to his chest.]

[miraclewhip]

I do!

[ He shouts it, and for a while he says nothing more. It's awkward. Horrible. After a while he finally speaks again, looking away. ]

I know- I know this is how it used to be. But we were children then. It's- different now. It's been different for a while. It just took me a long time to notice.

[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard just. Buries his face on his knees. Says nothing for a very long time.

And then:]

No. You're imposing limits.

[More to the point is what follows.] You're the only person who I can lean on, and I can't even do that now.

[miraclewhip]

You can. Of course you can. Just-

[ He takes his hand back, spreading both of them helplessly. ]

I can't touch you. I can't trust myself not to- I just can't.

[ HE CAN'T TRUST HIMSELF NOT TO BONER IF HE HUGS YOU OKAY ]

[cryptsleeper]

You can't trust yourself to not what, Trevor?

[He still hasn't picked his head up. He's trying to curl up on himself as much as possible. Be as small as possible.]

[miraclewhip]

I- fuck.

[ He doesn't want to tell him. Partially because he doesn't want to admit to it, but mostly because it puts years of interactions into question. He doesn't know how long he's been like this. Doesn't know if some dark, filthy part of him was secretly, secretly even from himself, perusing some kind of agenda all this time.

Trevor Belmont is not a man who can just be horny and it's fun and uncomplicated. He's gotta be useless and self-loathing about it. ]

Something's wrong with me, Adrian. I'll be here, no matter what. I'll keep you safe. But I can't touch you.

[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard doesn't move.]

Just tell me. Please. Whatever it is won't wound as much as your absence does.

[miraclewhip]

[ He doesn't want to explain this. He really doesn't want to explain this. ]

I- When you've been upset. When you've wanted me to touch you, I-

[ He's usually not bad with words, but right now his mouth is moving but sound isn't coming out. He can't make the words leave his mouth. He hangs his head eventually. ]

-filthy. I'm filthy.

[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard finally picks his head up.

Pauses.

Then narrows his eyes.]

A normal psychological reaction is why you're upset?

[miraclewhip]

Normal?

[ He lifts his own head. ]

It's not normal. It's- You need help, and I can't keep myself from- it's wrong.

[cryptsleeper]

[T R E V O R.]

It's a natural reaction and it indicates attraction, that's--

[.........OH.]

[miraclewhip]

[ OH MY GOD THIS IS THE WORST. He knows what that sentence suddenly ending means. That Alucard's caught on. This is awful. He should never have started a conversation about his penis. ]

It doesn't matter. [ There's a finality to that, and he shakes his head and stands. ] Natural or not, it has to stop happening.

[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard reaches out. Latches onto Trevor's wrist, and to hell with keeping anything at bay. He lets all the fear in him out in that one gesture, but there's enough sense in the vampire yet to not use bruising force.]

I don't care.

[He's firm about that much.]

I need you. In love with me or even if you hate me now I need you and your presence. Not your absence. Not...lurking in shadows. Looking over my shoulder. Just here. With me. Please.

[miraclewhip]

I don't hate you.

[ The words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop them, and for a moment they're all he says as he stares at Alucard in suprise. Is that the impression he's been giving? Well shit. After what feels like half the morning but must only really be a few seconds, he sits down on the edge of the bed and reaches out to touch Alucard's face. ]

I could never.

[cryptsleeper]

Could've had me fooled.

[Alucard's grip lightens, but only a little.

There's a little loss of tension when Trevor reaches out. Alcaurd leans into the touch, and there's no denying the streaks of tears drying on his face.]

[miraclewhip]

[ He's been crying. He's been crying and he made himself distant and- fuck, he can't do anything these days without feeling guilt stabbing through him. Can't leave Alucard. Can't touch him. ]

I'm here.

[ He strokes Alucard's hair, and it's a tiny amount of contact compared to before but it's still a lot. His mind is still screaming at him to not be doing this. That it has to be wrong somehow. But he's trying. ]

And I'm sorry.

[cryptsleeper]

[All of that seems to fix the problem. At least for now, because Alucard practically melts into Trevor's hands. He tries not to lean forward though, because that? Right now? It could be a bridge too far.]

You're here.

[Sorry isn't the point.]

How can I just....fix this?