[ He wishes he could stop his breath from catching and coming out as an almost inaudible whine when Alucard lets go, because he knows full well hat 'almost inaudible' is clear as day to his ears. Just like he knows that his heart drumming in his chest is perfectly clear. Fuck, he can probably hear the bloon moving in his veins, tell where it's running to-
There's a thump, when Alucard turns around. Boots hitting the floor as he kicks them off, so that he doesn't have his feet on the armchair when he curls up. Which he does, drawing his knees up to his chest. When Alucard returns, he brings his head down to rest against his knees. ]
Disgusting.
[ It would be too quiet to hear, if Alucard were human. He's not. ]
[Alucard removes a piece of gauze from the kit, his nimble fingers applying it with just enough pressure. His free hand is the one that reaches back to grab a bit of medical adhesive (it is an irony that Wallachia, dark and awful as it is, has some of the most advanced medical science in the world) so that the stuff will stay in place.
There's a weary noise as Alucard registers what's being said.]
[There. That's the bandage afixed. Alucard withdraws his hand, then does them both a mercy: he goes and fetches Trevor's shirt.
Only then does he sit, relying on the coffee table to bear his weight.]
I've always needed your support. [Alucard murmurs it softly, because it's true. When his mother disappeared, it was Trevor he relied on. Clung to. Sobbed into until he fell asleep, and repeated it day after day after day. Trevor's always been there.
That's one of the reasons it's hurt so much, to have him withdraw. Alucard needs the support, and Trevor feels far too compromised to give it.]
And no, it may not be right. And I won't ask cruel questions either. [What happens if I reciprocate?]
Is that why you keep using words like disgusting though?
And I want to be able to give it to you. More than anything, but-
[ He pulls the shirt over his shoulders like a blanket, then leans back against his knees. ]
-it is disgusting. If it were just normal- if I just loved you, it would be fine. But it's- it's when you need me that it happens, when something's wrong. I don't know why I'm like this.
[Alucard reaches over, and he takes Trevor's hands in his. Holds them in the little gulf between where their knees sit, separated just enough.]
Because it's a moment of passion and concern, and often times that means we're physically pressed very close. [Goddamn scientist child.] I know that even saying these things won't make you think otherwise, Trevor. Emotion doesn't play by logic's rules.
[ His breath catches again when Alucard takes his hands. It’s the smallest contact and yet it’s still so much, enough to send his body desperately chasing more. But he lets his hands stay, doesn’t snatch them back. ]
I want- you deserve normal, Adrian. You deserve someone to care about you normally. I can’t.
There's a difference between surface level versus in-depth. We know each other too well for it to be the former.
[He doesn't add the note about how Theodora said something, because it was starting to impact work from the both of them. That had been...your gay aunt calling you out for a crush. Which was an experience.]
[ His voice lowers now, like he's admitting to a crime. Admitting love, in itself, is easy. He's said it before - all of them ought to love their prince. Admitting- ugh. That part was easy as well, compared to this. It's a physical reaction. A disgusting physical reaction that he hates, but something physical all the same. ]
I love you. More than anything. I wouldn't hate this so much, if I didn't. I want to be able to touch you. Like before. More than before. But not if I'm going to be like this. I don't want to take advantage of your suffering.
[ The moment he’s excused, he lets go of Alucard’s hands and barely manages to stand before he’s scurrying away.
The next few moments are, of course, the most awkward of his life. He knows that Alucard knows exactly why he’s run off, but he still feels the need to try to keep his breath steady. That, he manages, but there’s nothing he can do about the hammering of his heart. His breath catches, close to the end of it, and that’s that. Dealt with.
There’s a long sigh, dissolving into more disgusting, disgusting.
And then a little while later, in clean clothes, Trevor appears at the door. ]
[Alucard waits. He lets the awkwardness roll off of him, because
there's no point in dwelling on the matter. It gives precious time to
think instead, and then?
Then Trevor is back. He says nothing, just takes Trevor's hand and starts
to walk.
The Castle sits in the mountains, several miles away and up from the
capital itself. It looms, but it looms over a city that is well
lit. A city that glows in the darkness, itself a precious jewel of sorts.
Dracula has always been a creature of contradictions, his true passion
always revealed to be the sciences when peace settles over the land. He's
given electric lights and running water to the cities and towns, along with
indoor plumbing. Cleanliness he claims, because it wouldn't do to
have vampires dealing with disgusting, flea covered food in fulfillment of
their own needs.
Lisa always figured it was more than that though. Spite, some of it,
showing neighbors that he could make better technology and vault his
country's progress over others. The rest? Something personal, something
even she couldn't put a finger on, but it was at the core of him. It
wasn't selfless though. Dracula wasn't selfless except for his wife.
They're outside. On one of the walkways that connect different parts of
the castle. Alucard's hand in Trevor's, wind gently rustling the dhampir's
hair. Below them, the city. The lit pathway up to the castle. Beyond,
little baubles of light - farming villages.
Alucard breathes out.]
I know the only way out of this is through. Would you agree with that?
[ He’s uneasy, at first, to have his hand in Alucard’s like this. But it passes. It’s not enough to cause- problems. And even if it were, the cold air of the castle’s outer passageways helps a great deal.
And he’s beautiful out here. He’s always beautiful, but moonlight was practically made for him. Even in his more casual clothes, he looks like something inhuman, in more than the way he’s usually inhuman. Ethereal. He glows silver in the moonlight, and Trevor can’t tear his eyes away. ]
I don’t know any more, Adrian. I’m just- I’m scared. I want to be there for you. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t think I can manage both of those at once.
[He puts both of their hands on the ledge between the arching
windows that look over the city. Squeezes Trevor's hand gently, his eyes
focused far and away. Alucard doesn't know if that will help, not
really.]
And you also know I'd give you anything including myself if you believed
that would help. [The exact reason Trevor hasn't asked. Because he
knows the dhampir wouldn't say no.]
I know I can't fix this either, as much as I want to. As much as it should
be the easiest thing in the world to do.
[ That's where they're both at, isn't it? They both want to give themselves entirely to the other, and neither of them want to ask the other to do so. A stalemate, one that neither of them knows how to end other than by sacrifice with neither willing to allow the other to be that sacrifice. ]
Tell me. If you think it should be easy then just- tell me what to do. I'm... I'm good at following orders.
Trevor, I can manage compulsion some days, but I'm almost certain that stop being awkward about your penis is a matter beyond my abilities.
[Alucard's quiet settles over him again, his thumb stroke against Trevor's knuckles as gently as possible. Considering. His eyes ahead, settled on the city.]
You may have given this as much thought as I have, or perhaps less, on the topic of romance and marriage. Any other man in my position would have already been wed and expected to have a child by now. Circumstances being what they are, I don't believe my father views it as a priority. Nor do I believe he'll think anyone acceptable enough to take a position as wife or husband in my life.
[Dracula is so many things, but jealously protective? That's one of the big ones.]
But you've been the only steadfast thing in my life. I love you for it. And if the nature of that love has changed because we're both older, then so be it. It is love.
Alucard finally turns to Trevor. He should probably ask for permission for this next part, but no. He leans in to kiss the Belmont.]
[ He has, in fact, given it thought. Perhaps not as Alucard has. He's been under no illusions of what a potential match would have to say about their husband to be sharing his bed with a servant. How difficult that his presence makes an already difficult process. It's part of this - the two resolutions that this can have. Alucard sacrifices marriage for him, at least during his own lifetime, and he isn't worth that. Or some time comes when they have to pretend none of this ever happened, and he's not sure that he could manage that. Even this time apart has been a lot to bear.
...god knows how it must have been for Alucard, who didn't have the luxury of choosing this.
That thought hits at the same time as Alucard's lips touch his, and even if he could bear to pull away he wouldn't. More than not pulling away, his arms coil around Alucard's chest. Pull him tighter against him. His beautiful, radiant prince. ]
[Alucard doesn't break the kiss. Not until they both need air, and at that point they're just tangled up in each other's arms. Alucard's hands on Trevor's cheeks and in his hair, stroking and holding him for the precious thing he is.
When he finally pulls away, his eyes meet Trevor's, not hiding the fear that even after this, he'll withdraw.]
[ He repeats, and that feels like it means more to him than an I love you. Because it is more than that. It's an acceptance of the way things are, that thing that he struggles so much to achieve.
He leans forward, resting his forehead on Alucard's collarbone. ]
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There's a thump, when Alucard turns around. Boots hitting the floor as he kicks them off, so that he doesn't have his feet on the armchair when he curls up. Which he does, drawing his knees up to his chest. When Alucard returns, he brings his head down to rest against his knees. ]
Disgusting.
[ It would be too quiet to hear, if Alucard were human. He's not. ]
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There's a weary noise as Alucard registers what's being said.]
It isn't. You aren't.
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[ He hates this. He hates this so much. ]
-I just want things to be the way they were before. I miss you. And I'm trying. But I can't control myself.
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What if we accept that things have changed, Trevor? How do we move ourselves forward
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[ He sighs. ]
I don't know how. It's not right. It's not right that every time I touch you, even if it's because you're hurt, or scared, or- [ hungry. ]
-no matter what, this happens. I hate it. I don't want to get off on you needing support, that's fucked up.
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Only then does he sit, relying on the coffee table to bear his weight.]
I've always needed your support. [Alucard murmurs it softly, because it's true. When his mother disappeared, it was Trevor he relied on. Clung to. Sobbed into until he fell asleep, and repeated it day after day after day. Trevor's always been there.
That's one of the reasons it's hurt so much, to have him withdraw. Alucard needs the support, and Trevor feels far too compromised to give it.]
And no, it may not be right. And I won't ask cruel questions either. [What happens if I reciprocate?]
Is that why you keep using words like disgusting though?
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[ He pulls the shirt over his shoulders like a blanket, then leans back against his knees. ]
-it is disgusting. If it were just normal- if I just loved you, it would be fine. But it's- it's when you need me that it happens, when something's wrong. I don't know why I'm like this.
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Because it's a moment of passion and concern, and often times that means we're physically pressed very close. [Goddamn scientist child.] I know that even saying these things won't make you think otherwise, Trevor. Emotion doesn't play by logic's rules.
[Yet all the same, Alucard says them.]
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[ His breath catches again when Alucard takes his hands. It’s the smallest contact and yet it’s still so much, enough to send his body desperately chasing more. But he lets his hands stay, doesn’t snatch them back. ]
I want- you deserve normal, Adrian. You deserve someone to care about you normally. I can’t.
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[That's what it comes down to, doesn't it?
And okay maybe Theodora said something because it's definitely impacting everyone's ability to work.]
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Of course. How could anyone not be?
[ That, at least, comes so easily. Like the only reason he’s never said it was because he thought it was a given. ]
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[He doesn't add the note about how Theodora said something, because it was starting to impact work from the both of them. That had been...your gay aunt calling you out for a crush. Which was an experience.]
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[ His voice lowers now, like he's admitting to a crime. Admitting love, in itself, is easy. He's said it before - all of them ought to love their prince. Admitting- ugh. That part was easy as well, compared to this. It's a physical reaction. A disgusting physical reaction that he hates, but something physical all the same. ]
I love you. More than anything. I wouldn't hate this so much, if I didn't. I want to be able to touch you. Like before. More than before. But not if I'm going to be like this. I don't want to take advantage of your suffering.
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More than before.
[He repeats the words, closing his eyes.]
That you don't want to take advantage says everything admirable about you, Trevor.
[But that isn't a solution.]
Walk with me?
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[ He goes quiet again, then shakes his head. ]
Let me- I need to go to my room first.
[ Please don’t make him walk around with this boner. ]
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[Alucard pauses, then...
...duh, vampire.]
Yes. Yes, of course.
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The next few moments are, of course, the most awkward of his life. He knows that Alucard knows exactly why he’s run off, but he still feels the need to try to keep his breath steady. That, he manages, but there’s nothing he can do about the hammering of his heart. His breath catches, close to the end of it, and that’s that. Dealt with.
There’s a long sigh, dissolving into more disgusting, disgusting.
And then a little while later, in clean clothes, Trevor appears at the door. ]
...ready.
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[Alucard waits. He lets the awkwardness roll off of him, because there's no point in dwelling on the matter. It gives precious time to think instead, and then?
Then Trevor is back. He says nothing, just takes Trevor's hand and starts to walk.
The Castle sits in the mountains, several miles away and up from the capital itself. It looms, but it looms over a city that is well lit. A city that glows in the darkness, itself a precious jewel of sorts. Dracula has always been a creature of contradictions, his true passion always revealed to be the sciences when peace settles over the land. He's given electric lights and running water to the cities and towns, along with indoor plumbing. Cleanliness he claims, because it wouldn't do to have vampires dealing with disgusting, flea covered food in fulfillment of their own needs.
Lisa always figured it was more than that though. Spite, some of it, showing neighbors that he could make better technology and vault his country's progress over others. The rest? Something personal, something even she couldn't put a finger on, but it was at the core of him. It wasn't selfless though. Dracula wasn't selfless except for his wife.
They're outside. On one of the walkways that connect different parts of the castle. Alucard's hand in Trevor's, wind gently rustling the dhampir's hair. Below them, the city. The lit pathway up to the castle. Beyond, little baubles of light - farming villages.
Alucard breathes out.]
I know the only way out of this is through. Would you agree with that?
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And he’s beautiful out here. He’s always beautiful, but moonlight was practically made for him. Even in his more casual clothes, he looks like something inhuman, in more than the way he’s usually inhuman. Ethereal. He glows silver in the moonlight, and Trevor can’t tear his eyes away. ]
I don’t know any more, Adrian. I’m just- I’m scared. I want to be there for you. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t think I can manage both of those at once.
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[He puts both of their hands on the ledge between the arching windows that look over the city. Squeezes Trevor's hand gently, his eyes focused far and away. Alucard doesn't know if that will help, not really.]
And you also know I'd give you anything including myself if you believed that would help. [The exact reason Trevor hasn't asked. Because he knows the dhampir wouldn't say no.]
I know I can't fix this either, as much as I want to. As much as it should be the easiest thing in the world to do.
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[ That's where they're both at, isn't it? They both want to give themselves entirely to the other, and neither of them want to ask the other to do so. A stalemate, one that neither of them knows how to end other than by sacrifice with neither willing to allow the other to be that sacrifice. ]
Tell me. If you think it should be easy then just- tell me what to do. I'm... I'm good at following orders.
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[Alucard's quiet settles over him again, his thumb stroke against Trevor's knuckles as gently as possible. Considering. His eyes ahead, settled on the city.]
You may have given this as much thought as I have, or perhaps less, on the topic of romance and marriage. Any other man in my position would have already been wed and expected to have a child by now. Circumstances being what they are, I don't believe my father views it as a priority. Nor do I believe he'll think anyone acceptable enough to take a position as wife or husband in my life.
[Dracula is so many things, but jealously protective? That's one of the big ones.]
But you've been the only steadfast thing in my life. I love you for it. And if the nature of that love has changed because we're both older, then so be it. It is love.
Alucard finally turns to Trevor. He should probably ask for permission for this next part, but no. He leans in to kiss the Belmont.]
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...god knows how it must have been for Alucard, who didn't have the luxury of choosing this.
That thought hits at the same time as Alucard's lips touch his, and even if he could bear to pull away he wouldn't. More than not pulling away, his arms coil around Alucard's chest. Pull him tighter against him. His beautiful, radiant prince. ]
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When he finally pulls away, his eyes meet Trevor's, not hiding the fear that even after this, he'll withdraw.]
Trevor?
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[ He repeats, and that feels like it means more to him than an I love you. Because it is more than that. It's an acceptance of the way things are, that thing that he struggles so much to achieve.
He leans forward, resting his forehead on Alucard's collarbone. ]
So be it.
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