[They've traveled since Leon's passing. Wallachia still has so much to recover from, and Sypha? Sypha wanted to touch base with her people to help all of that along. Alucard had gone with her because where else was he going to go? At least with Sypha he'd be a little safer, although he's not sure how long this can go on for. He's worked so hard to ensure that things are fair and even between them, after all.
Trevor's state when they returned was alarming. But never in Alucard's mind was there a concern that they should have remained. Grief like this demands space for a time, and now--
--he barely remembers falling. Just that he had to yank on Trevor's hair harder than normal to get him to stop, and that the rest of the world began to swim afterwards.
Alucard stirs when Trevor enters, but only just so. He's in a space where he's drowning in blankets and pillows and fuck.]
Turns out she's way less of an asshole about making me rest than you are. Let me use the kitchen knives and everything.
[ Is he gloating about being well enough to do this? A little bit. He's been saying that he's recovered for at least the last day. Alucard gets all weird about broken skulls and acts like they're a big deal. Skulls grow back!
He puts the tray on Alucard's lap and sets about stacking more pillows behind him to sit him up properly. The Trantoul Estate is everything one wouldn't expect a vampire lair to be, all soft beds and slightly-uneven cobbled floors and vases of undying flowers and magical not-sunlight streaming through stained glass windows. Aurelius, a yappy little ratter of a dog, follows on the heels of whoever he thinks is must likely to pay attention to him. Right now, he's asleep next to Alucard's feet.
The meal isn't the best he's made, Sypha hasn't given him permission to leave to hunt yet and so he's only had the estate's supplies to work with. But there's meat and vegetables and tea-made-with-leaves-and-honey-and-no-blood. ]
I think that's because you're more durable. Or have recovered to her satisfaction.
[Alucard feels his bloodlessness the more he speaks. It's why he can't protest at the pillows being piled up behind him, and oh. Oh he hates this. There's a catch here, he knows it. Because this? This is more than just food for food. This is something else.
He looks at the tray though, and his stomach betrays him with a furious growl. He sighs, reaching for the meat with trembling fingers.]
I can leave the tray aside when I finish. Surely you have better things to do.
[He must??? Alucard takes a bit of the meat all the same, chewing softly and knowing that at some point, the dog is going to wake up and want to share. But until then? Food for himself and himself alone.]
You've already made food for me. I can't repay much more.
Not really. I- havn't had anything to do in a long time.
[ The estate rebuilt itself at midnight after the battle, the same way it has always righted itself. There's been no work to do. In truth, he doesn't know how long Alucard and Sypha were gone, having spent the whole time drifting in and out of consciousness. He'd thought that was just what sadness was like. He's still not entirely convinced it isn't.
But. 'Repay'. That sounds familiar. He'd said something before, hadn't he? About fair trades. He frowns in confusion, looking between Alucard and the bowl. ]
[Alucard wishes he could have something else. But there's food, and he needs it. There's another moment where he picks up a little more meat, and then...]
Of course there is. I've given you food and vice versa. But the rest? Of course there's things to repay.
[ He considers that. It’s- he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like that he owed them both without realising it. He doesn’t like that this suddenly became something they did for payment rather than because they cared about him. But most of all- ]
I haven't had to do it as much with her around. It's...I'm rusty.
[No. There were moments he was always bad at it, when he felt something more than just business. Once or twice, he had gotten arrested for it. An encounter that went on for too long resulted in a near mob. He remembers those moments, but also the far worse ones where for a week, he was safe and happy and...
[Alucard just wilts. He doesn't have enough sense in him to argue, and there's something more starting to claw it's way up from the inside. Just talking about this is stirring up memories he's gotten expert at ignoring most days.]
Sorry, just....
[He doesn't go for any more food. He only goes still, the same as when he sleeps or at least appears to sleep as a defense mechanism.]
[ He softens, or tries to. He still doesn’t understand, but it’s something that’s causing Alucard pain. He isn’t good at this. And maybe he should just leave Alucard be and stop causing trouble. But it’s the idea of owing something that makes him stay. ]
Tell me how to repay you, or erase the debt. I don’t mind which. But- if you came back here to help me because you wanted something in return, the least I can do is to give it to you.
I am not used to kindness for kindness' sake, Trevor. It is...hard for me to not expect that there is a price.
[There. That's the easiest way to explain all of this.]
I know there's no true debt. Nor did I come here because I wanted something in return. Old habits and thought patterns are very, very hard to let go of.
[ It doesn’t make sense. Alucard has lived among humans all his life. Humans, the most noble of creatures. Who Leon was willing to dedicate everything to protecting. Who Leon chose above him, in the end. How could they have ever let Alucard want for anything? How could he not be used to kindness?
But while it doesn’t make sense, he at least understands now. Enough to know that there’s nothing really owed. That they did come here for him, not for whatever payment they expected him to give them.
His voice is soft when he speaks. ]
Eat, before the dog wakes up and takes the chance away from you. [ a pause. ] There doesn’t have to be a price for it. But- if you’d rather there be one-
[ This is hard. He doesn’t like saying that he wants things. ]
-I want to sit with you a little while longer. Let me?
[Alucard sighs. Eating feels more like a chore now, but there. He starts to eat again, but it's cautious and measured. A good way for him to re-steady himself and be comfortable again.]
[ There’s one question that looms larger than any other, of course. The obvious one. The one that he probably shouldn’t ask.
He watches Alucard eat (he is, in fact, being weird about it) as he turns it over in his mind. It’s something he needs to know. To avoid causing harm later on. ]
What’s- what price is too much?
[ What was he trying to protect himself from, by knowing debts were paid? What have people asked of him, that made him afraid like this? He needs to know, to be certain to never ask it himself. ]
The first he’d never ask. But the second? He won’t pretend he doesn’t know how he gets when feeding. It’s been restrained this time, because of the injury. But he remembers, perhaps more often and more vividly and more deliberately than is proper, that first time he remembers thinking of them both as just things he could use to make himself happy. Precious and well-loved and protected things, but things nonetheless. And oh, Alucard must have known what he was thinking. It wasn’t exactly subtle.
It’s comforting, in a way, to know that he’s about the worst of humanity. Nice. Even if he looks away from Alucard in shame. ]
Would it help, if I said I would never ask either of you?
[Alucard's gotten all the meat down. He moves onto the veggies, chewing quietly through all the shame at old memories.]
Sypha doesn't even know about this. I think she's guessed, but never outright asked to confirm. [His smile is anemic (like the rest of him), but it is turned to Trevor all the same.]
[ When he looks up, Alucard is smiling. And it’s hard, to feel ashamed while looking at that. His own smile isn’t any less anemic, but it’s genuine. Not just the kind that accompanies seeing Sypha scream in frustration at ‘skulls grow back’. ]
So it’s not too much to ask that you come back here, after you next leave?
[ He takes the plate and puts it down on the floor. As if on cue, Aurelius leaps from the bed to enjoy leftover vegetables and meat juices. ]
Then that’s all I’ll ever ask of you.
[ It’s important to clarify that, because now that he can think properly again there’s something he wants to do for them both, and he doesn’t want Alucard to think that he owes him for it. ]
[That anemic smile grows. Those words? Those are magical. He wants them to ring in his ears, and he hopes that the expression on his face makes it clear how much it really does mean to him.
But sleep. Probably a good idea.]
For a few more hours. May I please have an extra blanket before you go?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Trevor's state when they returned was alarming. But never in Alucard's mind was there a concern that they should have remained. Grief like this demands space for a time, and now--
--he barely remembers falling. Just that he had to yank on Trevor's hair harder than normal to get him to stop, and that the rest of the world began to swim afterwards.
Alucard stirs when Trevor enters, but only just so. He's in a space where he's drowning in blankets and pillows and fuck.]
Hnn?
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[ Is he gloating about being well enough to do this? A little bit. He's been saying that he's recovered for at least the last day. Alucard gets all weird about broken skulls and acts like they're a big deal. Skulls grow back!
He puts the tray on Alucard's lap and sets about stacking more pillows behind him to sit him up properly. The Trantoul Estate is everything one wouldn't expect a vampire lair to be, all soft beds and slightly-uneven cobbled floors and vases of undying flowers and magical not-sunlight streaming through stained glass windows. Aurelius, a yappy little ratter of a dog, follows on the heels of whoever he thinks is must likely to pay attention to him. Right now, he's asleep next to Alucard's feet.
The meal isn't the best he's made, Sypha hasn't given him permission to leave to hunt yet and so he's only had the estate's supplies to work with. But there's meat and vegetables and tea-made-with-leaves-and-honey-and-no-blood. ]
Eat up, Doctor No-Blood.
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[Alucard feels his bloodlessness the more he speaks. It's why he can't protest at the pillows being piled up behind him, and oh. Oh he hates this. There's a catch here, he knows it. Because this? This is more than just food for food. This is something else.
He looks at the tray though, and his stomach betrays him with a furious growl. He sighs, reaching for the meat with trembling fingers.]
Are you going to observe me while I do?
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[ He's pulling a chair up to sit by the bed, though. So yes. He's going to be sitting with Alucard while he eats. ]
It's not as if I'm going to stare at you the whole time. I just want to take the plate away when you're done.
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[He must??? Alucard takes a bit of the meat all the same, chewing softly and knowing that at some point, the dog is going to wake up and want to share. But until then? Food for himself and himself alone.]
You've already made food for me. I can't repay much more.
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[ The estate rebuilt itself at midnight after the battle, the same way it has always righted itself. There's been no work to do. In truth, he doesn't know how long Alucard and Sypha were gone, having spent the whole time drifting in and out of consciousness. He'd thought that was just what sadness was like. He's still not entirely convinced it isn't.
But. 'Repay'. That sounds familiar. He'd said something before, hadn't he? About fair trades. He frowns in confusion, looking between Alucard and the bowl. ]
But there's nothing to repay.
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[Alucard wishes he could have something else. But there's food, and he needs it. There's another moment where he picks up a little more meat, and then...]
Of course there is. I've given you food and vice versa. But the rest? Of course there's things to repay.
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[ Nothing.
He tilts his head. This makes no sense to him. He didn’t make the meal as payment. Was Alucard expecting payment, when he offered the blood? ]
...was I meant to pay you? For the blood?
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[The Hold is shared now. He can and should at least take advantage of that.]
I thought that's what this was.
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...you’re really bad at trading.
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[No. There were moments he was always bad at it, when he felt something more than just business. Once or twice, he had gotten arrested for it. An encounter that went on for too long resulted in a near mob. He remembers those moments, but also the far worse ones where for a week, he was safe and happy and...
...and it wasn't worth the pain, at any rate.]
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[ He huffs. ]
If it has to be like this- at least let me pay you back properly. I’m not going to cheat you.
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Sorry, just....
[He doesn't go for any more food. He only goes still, the same as when he sleeps or at least appears to sleep as a defense mechanism.]
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Tell me how to repay you, or erase the debt. I don’t mind which. But- if you came back here to help me because you wanted something in return, the least I can do is to give it to you.
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[There. That's the easiest way to explain all of this.]
I know there's no true debt. Nor did I come here because I wanted something in return. Old habits and thought patterns are very, very hard to let go of.
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But while it doesn’t make sense, he at least understands now. Enough to know that there’s nothing really owed. That they did come here for him, not for whatever payment they expected him to give them.
His voice is soft when he speaks. ]
Eat, before the dog wakes up and takes the chance away from you. [ a pause. ] There doesn’t have to be a price for it. But- if you’d rather there be one-
[ This is hard. He doesn’t like saying that he wants things. ]
-I want to sit with you a little while longer. Let me?
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[Alucard sighs. Eating feels more like a chore now, but there. He starts to eat again, but it's cautious and measured. A good way for him to re-steady himself and be comfortable again.]
You can ask whatever questions you have.
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He watches Alucard eat (he is, in fact, being weird about it) as he turns it over in his mind. It’s something he needs to know. To avoid causing harm later on. ]
What’s- what price is too much?
[ What was he trying to protect himself from, by knowing debts were paid? What have people asked of him, that made him afraid like this? He needs to know, to be certain to never ask it himself. ]
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[That one's obvious. Alucard's not happy about how easy the answer comes to him.]
I traded intimacy more than once. I don't wish to do that anymore.
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The first he’d never ask. But the second? He won’t pretend he doesn’t know how he gets when feeding. It’s been restrained this time, because of the injury. But he remembers, perhaps more often and more vividly and more deliberately than is proper, that first time he remembers thinking of them both as just things he could use to make himself happy. Precious and well-loved and protected things, but things nonetheless. And oh, Alucard must have known what he was thinking. It wasn’t exactly subtle.
It’s comforting, in a way, to know that he’s about the worst of humanity. Nice. Even if he looks away from Alucard in shame. ]
Would it help, if I said I would never ask either of you?
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[Alucard's gotten all the meat down. He moves onto the veggies, chewing quietly through all the shame at old memories.]
Sypha doesn't even know about this. I think she's guessed, but never outright asked to confirm. [His smile is anemic (like the rest of him), but it is turned to Trevor all the same.]
You always mean well. I know that.
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So it’s not too much to ask that you come back here, after you next leave?
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[Aluacrd's done eating. There's still some food on his plate, but he's done by the way he flops back into the pillows.]
Just know if I go quiet, there are reasons and it isn't your fault.
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Then that’s all I’ll ever ask of you.
[ It’s important to clarify that, because now that he can think properly again there’s something he wants to do for them both, and he doesn’t want Alucard to think that he owes him for it. ]
You want me to fuck off and let you sleep?
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But sleep. Probably a good idea.]
For a few more hours. May I please have an extra blanket before you go?
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