I won't pretend it's not weird. But I'm lying in a bed in the fucking demon castle. After washing myself with water that said demon castle shot through a few hundred feet of metal veins. I'm sober. There's a magician drooling on my tit. You staring at us because we invited you do is about the most normal part of this mess.
[He's frank about that much, but there's a deep undercurrent of shame threaded through the words. He feels awful. He failed them. He knew he did, but not how badly that failure would manifest.]
For that, I'm sorry.
[Not for the impaling (although he is.) Not for the behavior (ditto.) But because the person they thought he was is gone.]
[ There's no sense in pretending that the Alucard they've returned to is the one they left. Not when Sypha's asleep. It's hard enough some days to pretend that the Alucard they returned to is one that they can grow to care for.
He'd have given up a long time ago, except that every time he thinks about it he remembers that Sypha never gave up on him. ]
I don't think we're ever going to. Same way you'll never really find a Belmont, just a pale imitation. Same way nobody's ever going to find a mad speaker who thinks exploding goat shit is fun.
[He wants them to think that they can't care for the thing they returned to. He had killed in self defense, and they could stomach that. But the impalement? That's the line. It's been crossed. He doesn't deserve their affection.
He still doesn't understand why they're pretending otherwise.]
...Of course you two did.
[Had wonderful time on the road together, goat shit and all.]
You don't have to stay. Those other two people sound as if they can come back.
[ He shakes his head, staring up at the darkness. ]
The Belmont hasn't existed in a decade, for a start. And the speaker- you don't just un-learn things like that. Best you can hope for is to get so caught up in the orbit of someone who doesn't know yet that you forget them for a while.
We're all beyond hope, Alucard. Just like maybe this whole fucking place is, up here and down in the hold.
[ He knows Alucard can't take it, but he extends a hand anyway. Just lays it on the bed between the two of them. It's useless, but it feels correct to reach out. ]
If we can be beyond hope together. It's- better, that way.
[But the dhampir's tone suggests that yes, he'll take that idea to heart. That he'll curl up soon and let it bounce around in his head, and then go from there.
This is a little too much. Alucard shrinks on himself.]
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[ He sighs. ]
I won't pretend it's not weird. But I'm lying in a bed in the fucking demon castle. After washing myself with water that said demon castle shot through a few hundred feet of metal veins. I'm sober. There's a magician drooling on my tit. You staring at us because we invited you do is about the most normal part of this mess.
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[He's just saying.
But demon castle. Yes, that's what he made it again, isn't it? Alucard tries to shrug that thought off.]
Go back to sleep, Belmont.
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[ He huffs at Alucard, then softens. ]
You changed your tune fast. Guessing I said something stupid.
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[He sighs.]
It was never going to be anything but the demon castle.
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[ Sypha stirs and he brings a hand up to her face, combing it through her short hair until she settles again. ]
Did you want it to be something else?
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[ He repeats it slowly, as if he's struggling with the concept. As if he barely remembers what homes are meant to be. ]
Maybe eventually. Fucking thing can move itself halfway across the world, maybe it can turn itself into something else.
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[He can't even make that be funny when he says it. Alucard just sounds a different shade of tired instead.]
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[ It's only the no-touching rule keeping Alucard from receiving a pillow to the face. ]
It was a home once. It can be one again, probably. I just- shit, I don't know if I'm ready for somewhere to be home. I don't know when I will be.
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[Just a trace of the castle's footprint. No indication of where the dhampir went. Just two impaled bodies and the Hold.]
Then why did you come back?
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[ He huffs. ]
She needed someone better than me. We thought we'd find you here. [ They haven't yet. Not really. ]
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[He's frank about that much, but there's a deep undercurrent of shame threaded through the words. He feels awful. He failed them. He knew he did, but not how badly that failure would manifest.]
For that, I'm sorry.
[Not for the impaling (although he is.) Not for the behavior (ditto.) But because the person they thought he was is gone.]
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[ There's no sense in pretending that the Alucard they've returned to is the one they left. Not when Sypha's asleep. It's hard enough some days to pretend that the Alucard they returned to is one that they can grow to care for.
He'd have given up a long time ago, except that every time he thinks about it he remembers that Sypha never gave up on him. ]
I don't think we're ever going to. Same way you'll never really find a Belmont, just a pale imitation. Same way nobody's ever going to find a mad speaker who thinks exploding goat shit is fun.
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He still doesn't understand why they're pretending otherwise.]
...Of course you two did.
[Had wonderful time on the road together, goat shit and all.]
You don't have to stay. Those other two people sound as if they can come back.
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[ He shakes his head, staring up at the darkness. ]
The Belmont hasn't existed in a decade, for a start. And the speaker- you don't just un-learn things like that. Best you can hope for is to get so caught up in the orbit of someone who doesn't know yet that you forget them for a while.
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[It's just a sad pit now.]
I...I do appreciate that you're trying. I do.
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[ He knows Alucard can't take it, but he extends a hand anyway. Just lays it on the bed between the two of them. It's useless, but it feels correct to reach out. ]
If we can be beyond hope together. It's- better, that way.
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[But the dhampir's tone suggests that yes, he'll take that idea to heart. That he'll curl up soon and let it bounce around in his head, and then go from there.
This is a little too much. Alucard shrinks on himself.]
Get some sleep, Belmont.