[ Okay, so this is going badly. Very badly. He didn't know what he expected, only knew that it wasn't right to keep this from Alucard, and-
-shit, he regrets everything. ]
Maybe they're happy. Maybe each other is enough for them.
[ He sighs. ]
It's better, isn't it? Than them being different places? I mean- assuming it was Hell. Assuming everything else was right. The other place doesn't seem like a place with a whole lot of room for doing good.
[ It's a quick response. Too quick. He shakes his head. ]
It'd be easier, if they were. It'd all make more fucking sense. It'd- [ He lets go of Alucard's hand. ] -maybe I'd remember what half of them look like.
Churches are run by men. Not any God, Belmont. They'll get rules wrong.
[But that last part lands, and Alucard chases after Trevor's hand. Squeezes back, because Trevor's problem? That's worse than Alucard's so far as the dhampir is concerned.]
I don't understand it. I don't know if I understand anything anymore. If that was Hell, that means- I don't like what that means. And if it wasn't, I don't know what that means, and I think that might be worse.
I've seen every little thing I know about the world challenged, here. Your father creating lightning and storing it and moving it around. Making water flow upward. Every last thing that she does. Miracle cures and fires that start themselves and-
[ The last is quiet. A confession. ]
-it makes me scared, sometimes. The bad sort of scared.
Dante isn't canonical, but he depicts hell as a place of layers. You can think of them like different cities or countries, and they all have their own geography. You might think of what you saw along those lines, if that gives any comfort.
[But it probably doesn't. Alucard sighs.]
What my father made here is things humanity can do. It's just understanding the natural world and putting it to work. But--
[He's bad at comfort too. ALucard squeezes Trevor's hand again.]
Dante just wanted to fuck his favourite author and you know it.
[ That brings a little levity into his voice. Dunking on poets is always a good feeling.
It doesn't last, but he doesn't pull his hand away ]
Am I? Because it feels like I want to see my mother in hell, just so that I know she's where I thought she was. Like I'm the kind of person who'd let people suffer because the alternative is acknowledging that everything I know is wrong. Like it I were the one holding the torch-
[ He pauses at that. He was talking about his own home but. Talking about burning people. Maybe not good. ]
-I like it when she calls me an idiot, you know? Because that makes it all make sense. Of course there's things I don't understand, if I'm an idiot. It's nice, for a while. But then- there's no fucking point in even trying, if I'm just never going to understand anything.
[Alucard doesn't look over at Trevor. That feels wrong, somehow.]
You are. The world after this will always be terrifying. We don't know enough about it - we only get glimpses like the one you did. How we process them and move on, incorporate it to what we do know is what's important.
[ He wraps his arms around Alucard, leaning his chin on his shoulder. There's nothing new about it, the way he's holding him. He's held him in just about every way he can possibly hold someone over the last few weeks, as if there's one way that he just needs to find that would make this better.
What is new is feeling so vulnerable himself. So open. He's been trying to be the strong one. The one least fucked up by all of this. ]
Then we're all here to be strong where the others are weak. I try not to be afraid, so I can protect you both. And if I'm about to do something stupid because I'm scared, you both stop me.
[ALucard doesn't like the idea of all of them being scared. It feels dangerous, because they'll all do something dumb. They're all too vulnerable, and this? This is what Alucard feared the most. Asking Trevor to shoulder all their weight and not being able to shoulder his own.
There's a little shift in the blanket. He's at his comfiest now, resting in Trevor's arms.]
We always have but--
[It's different.]
I don't know what else to tell you. [Not being able to comfort--] I wish I was happier, so that you could have the time to think about this.
Trust me, the last thing I need right now is more time to think.
[ He kisses the back of Alucard's head. It feels natural, by now. The most normal thing in the world. ]
The best distractions I could hope for. Both of you. [ It's not entirely true. If it were, he wouldn't need the foul-smelling grain-based stuff that he's managed to find stashed away in the hold. He doesn't know what he'll do when that runs out in a few weeks. ] Even when you're hurt.
It helps, in some sort of perverse way that he doesn't want to think about too hard. When they need him, nothing else matters. He doesn't need to think, not in the way that spirals down into something dark. He just needs to make things right. ]
Tell me what to do, to make it easier. Even for a moment.
[ Where to kiss, where to hold. He knows he can't make it better, not really. But if he can just make it bearable. Just for a moment. ]
[ Well. His legs will fall asleep eventually. Or someone else will try to bring Dracula back. One or the other. But until then- ]
The rest? I’ll figure out as I go.
[ This kiss? This kiss is deeper. Hungrier. Not obscenely so - god knows he is the opposite of horny right now. But it’s not exactly chaste. His lips push Alucard’s lips back slightly, tngue flicking at teeth. One hand rubs softly at his hip. ]
[Alucard's not sure why he opens his mouth. Just that he does, and he'll blame instinct or wanting or something for it later. It happens all the same, Alucard's eyes closed and all of him seeming to swoon for the effort.
His blanket cape falls from his shoulders slowly. Pools at his hips, covering Trevor's hand in soft wool.]
[ He won't go much further than this. Not carelessly. But he can slip his tongue into Alucard's mouth, stroking against his. There's a balance to navigate. Enough touch to make it better. Not so much that it gets worse again. ]
Enough hurting. [ He whispers it as he withdraws. ] For tonight, at least. Tell me if I go too far?
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[He looks out. Over the forest. Over the setting sun. At the twilight colors.]
Alone with only each other. My mother without a world to do good in. My father with her, but without being able to rejoince in her brightness.
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-shit, he regrets everything. ]
Maybe they're happy. Maybe each other is enough for them.
[ He sighs. ]
It's better, isn't it? Than them being different places? I mean- assuming it was Hell. Assuming everything else was right. The other place doesn't seem like a place with a whole lot of room for doing good.
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[But only that much. Alucard tugs his blanket cape around himself, all but swallowed in it now.]
Thank you.
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[ He squeezes Alucard's hand. ]
It wouldn't have been right not to tell you.
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[For all that this hurts, it's still better to know rather than not.]
Did you really want to see your family there?
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[ It's a quick response. Too quick. He shakes his head. ]
It'd be easier, if they were. It'd all make more fucking sense. It'd- [ He lets go of Alucard's hand. ] -maybe I'd remember what half of them look like.
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[But that last part lands, and Alucard chases after Trevor's hand. Squeezes back, because Trevor's problem? That's worse than Alucard's so far as the dhampir is concerned.]
I'm sorry.
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I've seen every little thing I know about the world challenged, here. Your father creating lightning and storing it and moving it around. Making water flow upward. Every last thing that she does. Miracle cures and fires that start themselves and-
[ The last is quiet. A confession. ]
-it makes me scared, sometimes. The bad sort of scared.
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[But it probably doesn't. Alucard sighs.]
What my father made here is things humanity can do. It's just understanding the natural world and putting it to work. But--
[He's bad at comfort too. ALucard squeezes Trevor's hand again.]
You're allowed to be.
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[ That brings a little levity into his voice. Dunking on poets is always a good feeling.
It doesn't last, but he doesn't pull his hand away ]
Am I? Because it feels like I want to see my mother in hell, just so that I know she's where I thought she was. Like I'm the kind of person who'd let people suffer because the alternative is acknowledging that everything I know is wrong. Like it I were the one holding the torch-
[ He pauses at that. He was talking about his own home but. Talking about burning people. Maybe not good. ]
-I like it when she calls me an idiot, you know? Because that makes it all make sense. Of course there's things I don't understand, if I'm an idiot. It's nice, for a while. But then- there's no fucking point in even trying, if I'm just never going to understand anything.
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[Alucard doesn't look over at Trevor. That feels wrong, somehow.]
You are. The world after this will always be terrifying. We don't know enough about it - we only get glimpses like the one you did. How we process them and move on, incorporate it to what we do know is what's important.
[He can still speak pretty sometimes.]
I don't know what else I can say.
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I shouldn't have made this about my bullshit. It's fine. I just- I guess it's normal to get shaken by this kind of shit.
You going to be okay?
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[He sighs. Then leans sideways into Trevor.]
Probably not.
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[ He lets go of Alucard's hand, but only so he can wrap his arm behind him, letting his hand settle on his hip. ]
Not sure any of us are going to be.
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What happens if none of us are?
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What is new is feeling so vulnerable himself. So open. He's been trying to be the strong one. The one least fucked up by all of this. ]
Then we're all here to be strong where the others are weak. I try not to be afraid, so I can protect you both. And if I'm about to do something stupid because I'm scared, you both stop me.
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There's a little shift in the blanket. He's at his comfiest now, resting in Trevor's arms.]
We always have but--
[It's different.]
I don't know what else to tell you. [Not being able to comfort--] I wish I was happier, so that you could have the time to think about this.
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[ He kisses the back of Alucard's head. It feels natural, by now. The most normal thing in the world. ]
The best distractions I could hope for. Both of you. [ It's not entirely true. If it were, he wouldn't need the foul-smelling grain-based stuff that he's managed to find stashed away in the hold. He doesn't know what he'll do when that runs out in a few weeks. ] Even when you're hurt.
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[He admits it, muffled into Trevor's shirt.]
I want to be better.
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[ Another kiss.
It helps, in some sort of perverse way that he doesn't want to think about too hard. When they need him, nothing else matters. He doesn't need to think, not in the way that spirals down into something dark. He just needs to make things right. ]
Tell me what to do, to make it easier. Even for a moment.
[ Where to kiss, where to hold. He knows he can't make it better, not really. But if he can just make it bearable. Just for a moment. ]
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[That's his answer to everything about his needs. It's true, but no less terribly annoying.]
Stay. Stay here for as long as you can.
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[ Well. His legs will fall asleep eventually. Or someone else will try to bring Dracula back. One or the other. But until then- ]
The rest? I’ll figure out as I go.
[ This kiss? This kiss is deeper. Hungrier. Not obscenely so - god knows he is the opposite of horny right now. But it’s not exactly chaste. His lips push Alucard’s lips back slightly, tngue flicking at teeth. One hand rubs softly at his hip. ]
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His blanket cape falls from his shoulders slowly. Pools at his hips, covering Trevor's hand in soft wool.]
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Enough hurting. [ He whispers it as he withdraws. ] For tonight, at least. Tell me if I go too far?
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He's practically liquid when Trevor pulls away. He tries to use the fabric of his shirt to gain a little steadiness.]
It won't be too many more steps from that--
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