cryptsleeper | Inbox for aefenglom

I'm listening.

[Alucard straightens up a little. It isn't that the intimacy of the moment is entirely passed, but things have shifted. Just a little.]

[ Well, shit. He doesn't even know how to ask this now. Maybe they should just go back to insulting one another? ]

Right. Uh... I don't want to suck your blood or anything. [ Thank God. ] And maybe this is just a product of being bonded to you like this whole... hugging thing. Hell if I know.

[ He's rambling because he doesn't know how to ask this. ]

What I'm trying to say is... I... get restless... and want to constantly chew on things. [ Which is why he had gone through however many straws at the masquerade. ] Like the blanket that one time. [ When they'd discovered what he was becoming. ] Christ, I don't know. I just wanted to... ask you...

[ This is going so bad and he sighs then as he pulls back to throw his head back and curse to himself. ]

...can I chew on your hand for a minute? I know! I know! That sounds really fucking weird but I just have this... desire to and I'd rather it be you than some stranger.

[Oh good, Trevor made it super awkward!

Alucard does sit up straight though, careful when he shrugs Trevor's arms off of him finally. This is actually serious, and moreover, something Alucard's entertained already. He knows this problem.]

When I talk about this, please know I'm not being condescending. It's just what the change is, for better and worse.

[He remembers what his mother's clinic voice sounded like. Straight forward, but reassuring. Optimistic. Alucard doesn't know if he can do all of that.]

It's just a form of teething. There's better things to chew on, but any suggestion I make just...even when I think it, it comes off as insulting.

[Yeah, getting Trevor doggie chew toys? Not great.]

I don't think flesh is a good idea yet. Not in the middle of the night. You're going to have to learn to take blood, and that requires flesh contact. Better for your muscle memory that it be as precise as possible, that way when the worst begins, you're not mistaking food for a chew substitute and do greater harm.

[ When Alucard pulls back, he lets him, feeling a sudden sort of loss from the other that gets him to blink in confusion for a moment before he sighs and crosses his legs on the bed. Hands holding his ankles, he stares down. He's listening, it's just... so fucking shitty. ]

Someone already offered their blood to me. For me to drink from them, Alucard.

[ It had taken him by surprise and hammered into him the fact that he is going to want blood at some point and there's not a fucking thing he can do about it. Not drink blood? Sure. But then he becomes a husk of a vampire, doesn't he? Wastes away and dies for good. Even the suggestion of there being blood clinics or whatever... he doesn't want to drink blood. It terrifies him that something like that will be normal for him in a way that drinking alcohol is normal for him. ]

I figured you'd know best. About how to... do that shit. [ Drink blood. ] How to not kill someone. Because I don't want to hurt anyone. The bond is supposed to make it not be so bad, isn't it? The hunger and cravings? But will it be enough? I'll still want it, won't I?

Well that was forward and frankly insensitive.

[He can be dismissive, at least. But the rest of Alucard knows it's unhelpful, so he's careful as he reroutes the discussion.]

It's easy to not kill someone. [He starts with that. Careful with his words.] The bond will help, but the rest is training and paying attention to the entire process. When people get hurt it's because they stop paying attention to heartrates, blood flow, and where the bite happens.

[This next part isn't rote.] You make rules for yourself too. Like not taking from arteries, because that's the quickest way to kill someone. You pay attention to how bad cravings are, and you space your food out accordingly. I've only needed blood once or twice a week, and my needs have never demanded human blood as my father's did. He and my mother had their own rules about blood flow.

And there was no infrastructure for it home like there is here. Ways to remove the person element of it, so that it's noting more than a special dietary need.

[ Alucard's words come from a place of experience and knowledge. He knows this. Who the fuck else is he going to ask- trust about this? other vampires here? Sure, he could. But what do they care and do they really have his best interest in whatever they tell him? What he already knows of vampires from his family and the things Alucard has experienced himself are his best bet and yet, even still, he hates this and he finds himself hunching over some, head bowing, fingers tightening around his ankles.

God he hates this. What the fuck is wrong with him? Is he about to turn all weepy about this? It must be the full moon that's messing with him. It's drawing closer and that would explain his sudden spike in restlessness. ]

Alucard, I can't do this. I don't want to drink blood. It goes against everything I am. Everything my family is. I won't even be me anymore, will I? Just a monster.

Do you want comfort or honesty?

[His voice is barely a whisper.]

[ Shaking his head, a hand covers his face. ]

I don't know. Just forget it.

Trevor, I don't have the answers to any of those questions. The way vampires work here are just different enough that I can't say either way.

[He places two hands on top of Trevor's ankles.]

But I will be here to help. And if it anchors you, then all the better.

[ Eyes slowly blink to the hands that rest atop his ankles and his own fingers curl tight. ]

I'm going to die either way, aren't I?

[ Because vampires aren't living creatures. ]

Yes.

[Alucard can't lie about that.]

And I will be there.

[ Everything is just a swirl of emotions and things that he doesn't really understand. Alucard's closeness and touch helps some, but the weight of this conversation is still crushing to him because his death is inevitable and no bond can spare him from it. And yet, a smile touches at his lips, sad as it is, head still bowed. ]

You know, when we first met, I honestly didn't care if you were going to kill me. I've never really cared that much. Not for a long time. No one ever gave a shit about me.

[ If he was going to die, then so be it. He'd already lost everything else and no one would mourn his death anyways. ]

But now I wonder if I'll even remember you or Sypha when I wake. Or if I'll be too bloodthirsty and lost in the mind of a monster to even recognize your face. That's what hurts the most, Alucard.

And preparing for eventualities doesn't help anyone emotionally.

[He knows that much. Alucard sighs, and he lifts one hand so he can put his hand against Trevor's neck. Feel his pulse, because his pulse is still there.]

We'll find out together Trevor. I can only promise that much.

[ Well, he has a point there. So, with a nod, he falls into Alucard a bit and just lets his head rest against the blond's shoulder. It's funny. Here he's never done much in the way of closeness with another and now, gentle and still clumsy as this right here is, it could very well mean nothing at all to him once he's completely turned. ]

Can I still chew on you?

My hair for tonight. We'll get you something better to chew on that isn't me tomorrow.

[Alucard sighs. Not flesh. Trevor's not ready for flesh at all.]

Ugh, fine.

[ With that, he drops himself back against the mattress and makes sure to pull Alucard down with him. ]

Probably don't taste good anyways.

No. I don't imagine I do.

[Alucard oofs softly as Trevor drags him down.

This is progress. Progress for them both. Talking like adults. Managing the awful things.]

Get some sleep, Belmont.

I'm turning into a bloody vampire. I'm not exactly sleepy, Alucard.

[ Yet he still lays there, arm somewhat draped around/across the blond. ]

But just sleep yourself. I'll... be here.

Humor me, at least, and try.

[Try and be human for as long as it can be managed.

Alucard sighs, saying nothing more. It had been a long evening even before Trevor crawled into bed beside him. Now? Now it has been exhaustive, and Alucard is happy to spend the night asleep.

He drifts off with little prompting. Five minutes hardly pass before he's asleep properly, turned on his side and pressing slightly closer to the Belmont.]

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