[ So yes. That's an agreement. Shit, why did Sypha find this so easy? It's not fair- she doesn't need to express this shit with words anymore. She just curls up against either of them and it makes sense. She's good at words, and she doesn't even need to use them. ]
I'm taking it personally that you don't want me to be here. And you don't want me to leave. And so what the fuck am I supposed to do?
[ The silence is fucking suffocating. It it could have been a few seconds or it could have been an hour but it's enough time for his stomach to turn and for him to regret every single individual decision that led him here. ]
I can't make you happy. So you may was well just fuck off until she comes back.
[ Request or not, usually he'd just be an ass and ignore it for as long as he could anyway. Right now- right now he doesn't have the energy to act like a shit.
He shoves himself out of the bed, following to the library in defeated silence. ]
[The lights turn on in the hallways as they go. It's one of the cleanest pathways in the castle, if only because Alucard's in the library often enough. He needed the floor cleaned.
Likewise, the library is one of the best repaired parts of the castle so far. The reasons for it are varied, and there's a portion of the library tables that are dedicated to working on the books themselves. One thing has it's covers and spine removed, all the pages loose.
Alucard starts there. And he takes pages from a smaller pile that originally came from the unbound book and begins to put them where they should be.
The work is the mediation. So he must begin.]
I hadn't realized. [Another page back where it should be. Eyes on the page.] And I don't get to use grief as an excuse either.
[ He doesn't know how the fuck bookbinding works. And so he looks around for a while, trying to find a place to settle his eyes. In the end, he settles on Alucard's hands. ]
Mmh. [ He's reduced to just sounds, now. What on earth is he supposed to say? He doesn't know what they're even doing here. Is he meant to pick his feelings down into their component parts, try to figure out how a lifetime of hatred for pale things with fangs and a few months of snapping at each other and another few months of separation could possibly add up to a whole of- this? ]
Four months. [ He manages after a while, though it's not really. A useful statement. ]
[The pages get put back. They're realigned so carefully, then put onto a contraption that keeps all the pages perfectly in place. And then there is thick cord, because it seems the thing they both come back to when there's serious discussions to be had is sewing.
Alucard's hands aren't quite nimble, but it's quicker than stitching skin.]
Four months. [He repeats it softly. And he considers everything.]
It isn't that I'm opposed to any of going beyond just [How to articulate this?} A v shape with her as the apex. [Because that's what it is right now.]
She wanted to come back right away. I told her to wait four months. That's why she wasn't here when you needed her. When she could have done the most good.
[ The rest, the rest he just listens to. 'Not opposed'. He doesn't want Alucard to not be opposed to him, because being tolerated isn't the same as being wanted.
Really, he should be happy with 'tolerated'. It's worlds more than he's had before. But at least being opposed to him would be a feeling at all. ]
Have you ever been opposed to anything, other than the destruction of humanity?
You were right to wait. [Because Trevor's gone through this. He's more inclined to understand the need for space, to be alone, and to sit with all the heavy, terrible emotions before there's anyone else. His hands keep working. The needle is steady.] I would have taken any gesture as pity and drove you both away for good.
Thank you for that.
[There's real gratitude for that much. Before Trevor's a smartass, because they're both moving into that territory to avoid points, aren't they?]
Took me four months to start talking to myself, back then. I figured that's as good a sign as any that someone's ready for company.
[ And he doesn't know what to do with gratitude, so he just explains his reasoning anyway a little defensively, as if he'd been told he was wrong. Because he is always, always wrong. ]
I don't want you to not be opposed. Do you think that's better than the way things are now, to have you just tolerate my being with you, because it's less trouble than making me go away?
[There's a very pained smile at Trevor sharing that fact. It makes him feel a little better for all the fits, the bursts of anger and then horrible sadness. He's not beyond it entirely, but it is better.]
It isn't mere tolerance. [He's trying not to snap.] Or opposition.
Just me not using the right words. So you can stop acting as if this is on your shoulders, rather than mine.
[ But it's more specific than that, isn't it. He puts his face in his hands, tugging at his hair and sounding increasingly agitated because this is the angriest declaration of non-anger feelings ever. ]
I want to make you happy. I want to do right by someone for once in my fucking life. And I don't give a shit how things end up otherwise, whether I'm here, whether I'm not, as long as the two of you are happy and I did something, anything, to make things better.
[Leave it to Alucard to manage to casually stab himself with a needle sewing a book while Trevor makes the angriest declaration of love that Wallachia's ever heard. Because he absolutely has, and he doesn't quite seem to have noticed it either.]
I can say with confidence I want you both here.
[His tone is much softer.]
And that does make me happy right now. I...don't know what else is going to make that happen at the moment. [If Trevor understands four months, then he must understand this much too. What helps, what makes anything happy for a fleeting moment, it's a fucking mystery.]
I want you to do whatever you think will contribute to that then. Save depart, which is categorically out of the question.
You're getting blood on your book. Might want to fix that shit first.
[ It's snide and it's stupid and it sounds completely empty and it's him taking a moment to recover, because he used everything he had on that confession. ]
[ Carefully, one by one, Trevor takes Alucard's hands and lifts them away from his work to fall by his sides instead, so not to disturb the loose papers on the table. Not that there's much danger of that in what he does next, slowly moving a finger across Alucard's cheek until it meets the line of his hair and following that downward a little before pulling his hand back. It's all very soft, careful, experimental.
And then it isn't.
Because Trevor shoves Alucard out of his chair and onto the floor, pinning his shoulder with one hand and wrapping the other in his long hair and kissing him. ]
[Alucard's face betrays a cautious curiosity as his hands are redirected. He has no idea what to expect, except everything feels like it's balanced on a razor thing edge. It's an experiment, because neither of them do this with Sypha. Not really. They're both too comfortable and then...
...and then he's on the floor with a speed that's absolutely a battle speed, taking him by total surprise. Which means his own instincts take a moment to catch up, and he's being kissed far more aggressively than he anticipated.
His hands are flat on the carpeted floor, fingers digging in. And maybe he waits before kissing back, because there's enjoyment in this. Same as kissing Sypha.]
[ He's far too aware of the fangs. He knew he would be, but it's different from imagining it (over and over and over). He can tell where they are, avoid them easily enough. He can just about run his tongue over the roof of Alucard's mouth without catching himself on them. So he does that. He tugs lightly at Alucard's hair when he breaks the kiss for air to signal not to get up yet.
The second kiss isn't soft, but it's softer. Less liable to bruise. By the time that one breaks, any tugs at Alucard's hair are accidental. The third kiss is the softest and the briefest, careful in a way that perhaps the first ought to have been instead. Really he ought to have done this whole thing in the opposite order. And maybe not pushed the vampire over. He only speaks after a moment or so, breathless and maybe already a little concerned that that was stupid. ]
[The fangs are absolutely a concern. They're always going to be, he had fussed at Sypha about it before anything even happened (a conversation Trevor probably heard or had relayed, and Alucard remembers the discussion happened more than once.) But the sensation of all of it is overwhelming, all Alucard can do is gasp for air when Trevor breaks the first kiss.
The second one has him experimentally return some of it. He's unsure, it feels like this has been something thought about for far too long and maybe it's better to ride it all out. The whole thing still has taken him aback.
After the third, Alucard's equally breathless, and the lighting makes it a little too clear that he's blush faced. Nor is he getting up at the moment.]
I...
[Yes. But give him a moment, you've rendered the vampire speechless for once, and not for reasons of bone dumb stupidity.]
[ He doesn't speak for a little while, kneeling over Alucard and staring down at him. Because Alucard has always been a collection of things he wants to know. For safety, at first, and then for strategy. For concern's sake, after that. And now-
-he runs his fingers through Alucard's hair, combing through where he messed it up just now, and his gaze softens the way it does when Sypha starts trying to talk back to a book that she doesn't agree with. There are a lot of stupid little things he needs to figure out now. But all of them can wait a little longer. ]
[Alucard's not sure where to touch or not to touch. Trevor's hips seem safe, and so his hands move there first. A light grip, mostly because he's unsure if this is going to go back to kissing.
His hair's unmessed quickly enough. The expression on his face still confused, but there's contentment in there.]
Oh?
[Can this also just not involve the floor, please?]
Yeah. [ And there is more kissing. Just a little more, soft and quick and approving when Alucard reaches up to touch him. ] You should just look like this all the time, then I'd never want to punch you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cryptsleeper) wrote2018-11-10 11:26 pm
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[ So yes. That's an agreement. Shit, why did Sypha find this so easy? It's not fair- she doesn't need to express this shit with words anymore. She just curls up against either of them and it makes sense. She's good at words, and she doesn't even need to use them. ]
I'm taking it personally that you don't want me to be here. And you don't want me to leave. And so what the fuck am I supposed to do?
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[...Here's a time for honesty, isn't it?]
Nor do I actually know what I want at the moment.
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[ And it's probably the most aggressive anyone has ever been when expressing that sentiment. ]
And she can do that, but I can't.
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Oh.
And he's going to stand there for a moment more than a little dumbfounded.]
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I can't make you happy. So you may was well just fuck off until she comes back.
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[That's not a request, Alucard's tone is clear on that. Sypha mediates. She's not here. So work will have to do that instead.]
Neither of us are sleeping, and I've been oblivious.
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[ Request or not, usually he'd just be an ass and ignore it for as long as he could anyway. Right now- right now he doesn't have the energy to act like a shit.
He shoves himself out of the bed, following to the library in defeated silence. ]
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Likewise, the library is one of the best repaired parts of the castle so far. The reasons for it are varied, and there's a portion of the library tables that are dedicated to working on the books themselves. One thing has it's covers and spine removed, all the pages loose.
Alucard starts there. And he takes pages from a smaller pile that originally came from the unbound book and begins to put them where they should be.
The work is the mediation. So he must begin.]
I hadn't realized. [Another page back where it should be. Eyes on the page.] And I don't get to use grief as an excuse either.
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Mmh. [ He's reduced to just sounds, now. What on earth is he supposed to say? He doesn't know what they're even doing here. Is he meant to pick his feelings down into their component parts, try to figure out how a lifetime of hatred for pale things with fangs and a few months of snapping at each other and another few months of separation could possibly add up to a whole of- this? ]
Four months. [ He manages after a while, though it's not really. A useful statement. ]
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Alucard's hands aren't quite nimble, but it's quicker than stitching skin.]
Four months. [He repeats it softly. And he considers everything.]
It isn't that I'm opposed to any of going beyond just [How to articulate this?} A v shape with her as the apex. [Because that's what it is right now.]
But I dread tearing things asunder.
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[ The rest, the rest he just listens to. 'Not opposed'. He doesn't want Alucard to not be opposed to him, because being tolerated isn't the same as being wanted.
Really, he should be happy with 'tolerated'. It's worlds more than he's had before. But at least being opposed to him would be a feeling at all. ]
Have you ever been opposed to anything, other than the destruction of humanity?
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Thank you for that.
[There's real gratitude for that much. Before Trevor's a smartass, because they're both moving into that territory to avoid points, aren't they?]
Focus on what I actually said, not goading.
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[ And he doesn't know what to do with gratitude, so he just explains his reasoning anyway a little defensively, as if he'd been told he was wrong. Because he is always, always wrong. ]
I don't want you to not be opposed. Do you think that's better than the way things are now, to have you just tolerate my being with you, because it's less trouble than making me go away?
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It isn't mere tolerance. [He's trying not to snap.] Or opposition.
Just me not using the right words. So you can stop acting as if this is on your shoulders, rather than mine.
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[ But it's more specific than that, isn't it. He puts his face in his hands, tugging at his hair and sounding increasingly agitated because this is the angriest declaration of non-anger feelings ever. ]
I want to make you happy. I want to do right by someone for once in my fucking life. And I don't give a shit how things end up otherwise, whether I'm here, whether I'm not, as long as the two of you are happy and I did something, anything, to make things better.
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I can say with confidence I want you both here.
[His tone is much softer.]
And that does make me happy right now. I...don't know what else is going to make that happen at the moment. [If Trevor understands four months, then he must understand this much too. What helps, what makes anything happy for a fleeting moment, it's a fucking mystery.]
I want you to do whatever you think will contribute to that then. Save depart, which is categorically out of the question.
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[ It's snide and it's stupid and it sounds completely empty and it's him taking a moment to recover, because he used everything he had on that confession. ]
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Awkward silence it is.]
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And then it isn't.
Because Trevor shoves Alucard out of his chair and onto the floor, pinning his shoulder with one hand and wrapping the other in his long hair and kissing him. ]
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...and then he's on the floor with a speed that's absolutely a battle speed, taking him by total surprise. Which means his own instincts take a moment to catch up, and he's being kissed far more aggressively than he anticipated.
His hands are flat on the carpeted floor, fingers digging in. And maybe he waits before kissing back, because there's enjoyment in this. Same as kissing Sypha.]
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The second kiss isn't soft, but it's softer. Less liable to bruise. By the time that one breaks, any tugs at Alucard's hair are accidental. The third kiss is the softest and the briefest, careful in a way that perhaps the first ought to have been instead. Really he ought to have done this whole thing in the opposite order. And maybe not pushed the vampire over. He only speaks after a moment or so, breathless and maybe already a little concerned that that was stupid. ]
That work?
[ It made him happy, at least. ]
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The second one has him experimentally return some of it. He's unsure, it feels like this has been something thought about for far too long and maybe it's better to ride it all out. The whole thing still has taken him aback.
After the third, Alucard's equally breathless, and the lighting makes it a little too clear that he's blush faced. Nor is he getting up at the moment.]
I...
[Yes. But give him a moment, you've rendered the vampire speechless for once, and not for reasons of bone dumb stupidity.]
Yes.
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[ He doesn't speak for a little while, kneeling over Alucard and staring down at him. Because Alucard has always been a collection of things he wants to know. For safety, at first, and then for strategy. For concern's sake, after that. And now-
-he runs his fingers through Alucard's hair, combing through where he messed it up just now, and his gaze softens the way it does when Sypha starts trying to talk back to a book that she doesn't agree with. There are a lot of stupid little things he needs to figure out now. But all of them can wait a little longer. ]
Fuck, I like you like this.
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His hair's unmessed quickly enough. The expression on his face still confused, but there's contentment in there.]
Oh?
[Can this also just not involve the floor, please?]
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[ Only to push you onto the floor. ]
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