You went into shock when we got you home, Be-- why am I debating with you about nomenclature?
[Alucard groans, tutting at himself rather than at Trevor. This is a pointless thing to pursue and he knows it. Better to focus on the things they can work on.]
Unbreak yourself physically, if that's how you must phrase it.
[ He grows quiet. Doesn’t fall asleep, but doesn’t speak either.
He’s back on actual food the next day. Plain bread along with a mostly liquid diet. Sypha deals with that part, because she’s the one who can deal with the prolonged physical closeness it requires. She hates the blindfold and removes it whenever it’s safe to.
Recovery is- not fast, but faster now. Another week and he’s more capable of movement. Not standing, but he can move his good arm relatively freely and his bad one more stiffly. His legs move, even if they won’t hold his weight. Griping with his bad hand is still a challenge, though Sypha has been guiding him through exercises to help him get better at it. He can move about, sort of. Alucard has to help him in and out of the moving chair (something made for Lisa’s patients long ago), but he can sort of propel and steer himself once he’s in there, even blind. It helps that the castle is kind enough to rearrange itself to avoid sending him down stairs.
It’s dawn, and he’s waiting with Alucard. Soon, he’ll see what Carmilla is doing. Then Alucard can move him into the chair. ]
[Alucard learns to hate the silences. It means Trevor is thinking, and Trevor is thinking about how to fix this broken thing that he caused. Playing the blame game is nothing new to Alucard, but the way it wears Trevor down aches at him.
But he's keeping good on the attempt to unbreak himself, and that? That means a lot to the vampire. He makes quiet notes at night about Trevor's progress, and when he looks back, it really is nothing short of remarkable.
He can only worry about what will happen when the specter of Carmilla is gone, leaving just the three of them.
The last fifteen minutes to sunrise creeps up. Alucard shifts when that happens, filled more with purpose than quiet Belmont companionship. His attention goes to Trevor, and he makes a very soft noise.]
[ His hands grip at the sides of his bed - he’s back in his old room now, the one he used when they first came to stay here. It’s closer to normal, with nothing for him to be attached to, and that seems to do wonders for Sypha’s nerves.
It doesn’t make much difference to him - he’s not really had much opportunity to see how he looks all full of tubes. Or much of anything, despite Sypha’s best efforts. Better safe than sorry.
The sun peeks over the horizon. He doesn’t see it, because Carmilla doesn’t look at the sun. For obvious reasons. His hands shake, his teeth clench - and fuck, the side of his mouth hurts during these moments. He hopes that goes both ways, too, and that Carmilla is getting to appreciate her own work.]
Thank fuck.
[ His body relaxes visibly, and for the first time he doesn’t blurt out instructions for Sypha to send to her grandfather. ]
[Alucard moves so that he's sitting opposite of Trevor. His hands also clench, gripping the bed frame and nails digging into the wood. His eyes focus on Trevor's through the fabric, trying to peer through, see what's there.]
[ The bad news is, he doesn’t know where she’s moving on to. But giving up on the speakers is a massive relief, they’ve only ever been one bad day away from her catching them. ]
[ It’s hard to say, he lived most of his life locked away in the Belmont hold rather than travelling Wallachia and Calmilla is trying to stay far from the markers of civilisation that might provide clues. ]
Headed north, though. The caravans went south.
[ North, however, is toward them. They’re running out of time. ]
[That means moving the castle as quickly as he can. Perhaps further north, beyond Wallachia's borders. With Godbrand's absence, the German Black Forest is an option.
He breathes out, slowly.]
Let's wait until the sun is fully in the sky. Then you can try.
[ He nods, and he sighs. Waiting until the sun is in the sky means that he’ll need to remove the blindfold. Sypha doesn’t like it when it’s not necessary, and really doesn’t like the idea of him trying to relearn walking without being able to see where he’s going.
He starts on her hand exercises while they speak, holding his good wrist in his bad hand and trying to close the fingers around it. The movement is small and sluggish, but it has been that way first thing in the morning for a few days now. It’ll be a little better in a few hours. ]
Little better than this time yesterday. I’ll try to lift the whip, later.
I won’t let the two of you face her alone. I promise.
[Aucard's tone is firm. Trevor wants to exert himself much faster than he should be, and Alucard is the only one qualified to stop him before he starts. It's a matter he takes seriously, and one he doesn't intend to screw up.
Five more minutes of the damn blindfold.]
We know you won't. But you can't rush recovery either, you promised me that.
[ Alucard giving him something to work toward was the best thing he could have done, but it does have its drawbacks. His own slow progress bothers him, and he wants to be doing so much more than he is. A few more tries and he can feel all of the fingers of that hand on his wrist as far as the first knuckle.
It's weird to think that two of them end there, now. But improvement that feels weird is still improvement nonetheless. ]
She still has one fuck of a toothache, if that helps.
[His smile is fragile and crooked and it disappears. Carmilla's tooth has become a part of the Belmont hold, encased in silver and as the record keeper, Alucard has credited the thing's capture to Trevor rather than himself.
He sighs, and then his eyes go to the window. The blindfold can come off soon.]
We can spend most of today outside though, if you'd like.
Sounds good, if I’m going to be trying the stick again. I’d rather fall on the grass than on stone.
[ Not that either of them would ever let him fall, but still. ]
I bit her. When she was tying the cord at my arm, I leaned forward and tried to get blood out of her. Thought that if I could turn myself, at least I’d keep my mind, and Enid came up with all sorts of ways to fuck with an elder vampire through the familiar bond. Didn’t get enough, though. Barely a drop.
[ It’s not a great conversation topic, more a confession than anything else, but if it helps them to know that this stupid connection to Carmilla is something that he chose, not her- maybe it’ll help. Maybe, at least, they won’t feel as bad about it. ]
[He wishes he could offer to carry Trevor instead. Scoop him up and tote him around like the precious, precious thing he is. The wonderful thing he is, still so alive.
At the confession that he bit Carmilla, a soft, horrified noise escapes.]
I...I'm glad you failed. I don't think you could have managed it in the long run, Belmont. [This is just useful for now. But he has to confess though.]
We....[Fuck him.] We thought about turning. Just for a moment, when we were scared stupid that we'd lose you.
I couldn’t have. [ Yeah, he’s not even going to argue that point. He would not have lasted longer than it took to come back to them and see Carmilla dead and Hector safe. ] It wasn’t a great plan, just one that’d keep me in control of myself. The forgemaster bought me time in the end, told her that if he worked on my brain I’d forget anything useful that I could tell her. That’s not true, but she believed him.
[ He probably needs to talk about the whole thing sometime. Right now, it seems a little pointless to do more than give Hector credit for the tiny ways he worked against Carmilla. ]
I- [ He does not say hat he would fucking hate that, because while it’s true, it’s not really- he’s trying. Trying to avoid saying things that sting, even if he doesn’t succeed. ] -I know that’s not a choice you’d take lightly. Means a lot that you’d consider it. Means more that you made the choice you did
I'm....[Alucard flinches at that. Hector had been an ally, hadn't he? And he was...oh. Fuck him. Hector was still out there. He needed to be rescued too, didn't he??] We'll find him and get him out of there too. Least that can be done.
[Or he could be dead. Or turned. Or any number of things that Alucard doesn't want to contemplate at the moment.]
You'd hate it anyway, and you're already miserable. It'd be cruel to pile more things atop you.
He'll be alive. He's only useful alive. Anything else- she'll be dead, and we can figure things out from there.
[ He looks up, in the direction of Alucard's voice. Well- 'looks'. There's not much actual looking happening. ]
We don't even know if you can turn people. What a fucking way that would have been to find out that you can't, if you tried that instead of the medicine bullshit.
[ Also the magic bullshit. He's not sure where one of those things ends and the other begins, but he knows that at least part of his leg is held together by magic. little threads of it keeping muscles lashed to bone in place of tendons that didn't survive the ordeal. New muscle should grow upon them as he uses them, the magic acting as a scaffold for his body to repair itself the slow science-y way.
Sypha explains using magic for healing as a conversation with the body. All she can do with her magic is ask questions and wait and listen. The body has to answer. That's the difference between that and forgemastery - a forgemaster tells the body the answer, and the body twists to make it true. ]
[Alucard sighs the words. Everyone is a victim here, save Carmilla. She's a vicious, feral thing now that needs to be put down and--
--and the sun is up. He leans forward, removing the blindfold from Trevor and carefully placing it on the bedside table. It'll do, and there. He can look at his Belmont properly now.
It also means that Trevor can see the concern etched everywhere on Alucard's face. It has been there the entire conversation, of course.]
I'm almost certain it can be done, if only because of who my father was. [A vampire with a third of Dracula's power. It'd still be enough to care on Carmilla.]
But it doesn't matter. Won't matter from here on out either. You're human, and you're staying that way.
[ He lifts his good arm to cover his left eye, letting the sunlight filter in slowly through his fingers. Everything already aches, no need to give himself a migraine on top of it. It's only when he pulls the hand back and really pays attention that he notices the concern and sighs. His shoulders drop and he smiles. Weakly, but he's trying.
He's grateful for everything, he really is. Even if he's done nothing but complain and blame himself for things for a while now. ]
Hey. I'm alive. That's- much better than I was expecting this to end. And I fucked up. A lot. But you gave me a shot at making it right, so I'm going to do it. [ He doesn't touch Alucard, settling instead for resting his hand on the edge of the bed near to him. ] This ends with her dead and us alive. Everything else we can deal with afterward.
[Alucard's done this an awful lot lately. Falling into awkward silences when he has nothing else to say. Wanting those words to come and then wanting to scream when they don't. It's horribly frustrating and he hates it, and all that's left for him is gestures.
He leans down and puts a kiss to Trevor's forehead. Not the top of his head, but forehead. It's quick and unsure, but God it's trying so hard to say I love you.]
[ In truth, he's started to resign himself to the fact that whatever relationship he and Alucard have, it's always going to be one without touch. It's- difficult to get his head around, because the only benchmarks he has for positive relationships are with his family or with Sypha, none of whom had the same difficulties. But it's ceased to be a source of distress. It's just the way things are.
It means he's been trying to make the most of the contact they unavoidably have lately. The few moments in his arms as he's moved into the chair or in and out of the bath. A hand on his shoulder as he tries to use the stick to walk. Enjoying it seems a little wrong, because it isn't as if Alucard wants to have those moments of contact, but it's also the closest they'll ever get to physical closeness.
And then Alucard kisses him and he just looks up, stunned. That just happened. They don't touch, not unless there's some practical reason, and yet that just happened. ]
Heh. [ He says uselessly after a moment, for want of anything to fill the silence. ] Sypha's going to get jealous now, you know.
I- [ love you too. ] -when you're ready, for all of this, you know I'll be here. That mess didn't get rid of me, doubt anything else will any time soon.
[Alucard has long since worried that he won't be able to embrace the two as they want to him to. Not in their lifetimes at least, and with that? That comes with an awful lot of guilt. It isn't fair to either of them to be left wanting for a lifetime. In the worst moments, he still wants to tell them to go and be happy together, that he'll rest in the crypt for now, and maybe he'll be able to look after any children they have.
It's gotten worse in recovery. Alucard's seen how Sypha so easily embraces Trevor. Holds him, comforts him, makes it clear that everything is healing. It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't.
Worst of it all, he wants to say that it's all Carmilla's fault, but it isn't. If Alucard had tried harder to get through this earlier, if he had put in more effort, if, if, ififif.]
That's only if she finds out.
[It's a bad joke. One that comes with a strained laugh.]
I know, Trevor. And I'm just...[He stops, running a hand through his hair for want of something else.]
[ He's going to have to actually say it, isn't he? Shit. ]
I love you. [ THERE. FINE. HE DID IT. ] We love you. And if this- if this is what loving you ends up looking like forever, then that's what we've chosen. We've chosen to be near to you, and it's not because we want more than that.
[ He sighs, rubbing the back of his head with his good hand. ]
You're not something broken that we have to fix. I- thought you were, at first. But- you know. Turns out there are things in the world that aren't just problems that need to be solved.
But more than saying the thing, he said more important things than just love. That this is okay. Well, not the injuries, but that Alucard can only do as much as he can right now. That Trevor's own preoccupations have learned to step back and give Alucard's own problems time to breathe and resolve.
He can feel the threat of tears in the corner of his eyes. And then Alucard kisses him again. It's quick and terrified but it's against Trevor's lips. He withdraws, but it isn't before managing a very soft, very breathless:] I love you too.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[Alucard groans, tutting at himself rather than at Trevor. This is a pointless thing to pursue and he knows it. Better to focus on the things they can work on.]
Unbreak yourself physically, if that's how you must phrase it.
no subject
[ He grows quiet. Doesn’t fall asleep, but doesn’t speak either.
He’s back on actual food the next day. Plain bread along with a mostly liquid diet. Sypha deals with that part, because she’s the one who can deal with the prolonged physical closeness it requires. She hates the blindfold and removes it whenever it’s safe to.
Recovery is- not fast, but faster now. Another week and he’s more capable of movement. Not standing, but he can move his good arm relatively freely and his bad one more stiffly. His legs move, even if they won’t hold his weight. Griping with his bad hand is still a challenge, though Sypha has been guiding him through exercises to help him get better at it. He can move about, sort of. Alucard has to help him in and out of the moving chair (something made for Lisa’s patients long ago), but he can sort of propel and steer himself once he’s in there, even blind. It helps that the castle is kind enough to rearrange itself to avoid sending him down stairs.
It’s dawn, and he’s waiting with Alucard. Soon, he’ll see what Carmilla is doing. Then Alucard can move him into the chair. ]
no subject
But he's keeping good on the attempt to unbreak himself, and that? That means a lot to the vampire. He makes quiet notes at night about Trevor's progress, and when he looks back, it really is nothing short of remarkable.
He can only worry about what will happen when the specter of Carmilla is gone, leaving just the three of them.
The last fifteen minutes to sunrise creeps up. Alucard shifts when that happens, filled more with purpose than quiet Belmont companionship. His attention goes to Trevor, and he makes a very soft noise.]
Are you ready?
no subject
[ His hands grip at the sides of his bed - he’s back in his old room now, the one he used when they first came to stay here. It’s closer to normal, with nothing for him to be attached to, and that seems to do wonders for Sypha’s nerves.
It doesn’t make much difference to him - he’s not really had much opportunity to see how he looks all full of tubes. Or much of anything, despite Sypha’s best efforts. Better safe than sorry.
The sun peeks over the horizon. He doesn’t see it, because Carmilla doesn’t look at the sun. For obvious reasons. His hands shake, his teeth clench - and fuck, the side of his mouth hurts during these moments. He hopes that goes both ways, too, and that Carmilla is getting to appreciate her own work.]
Thank fuck.
[ His body relaxes visibly, and for the first time he doesn’t blurt out instructions for Sypha to send to her grandfather. ]
no subject
Tell me what you see on her side.
no subject
[ The bad news is, he doesn’t know where she’s moving on to. But giving up on the speakers is a massive relief, they’ve only ever been one bad day away from her catching them. ]
no subject
[That is a relief.]
Do you still see Styria or Wallachia through her eyes?
no subject
[ It’s hard to say, he lived most of his life locked away in the Belmont hold rather than travelling Wallachia and Calmilla is trying to stay far from the markers of civilisation that might provide clues. ]
Headed north, though. The caravans went south.
[ North, however, is toward them. They’re running out of time. ]
I want to try walking with the stick again.
no subject
[That means moving the castle as quickly as he can. Perhaps further north, beyond Wallachia's borders. With Godbrand's absence, the German Black Forest is an option.
He breathes out, slowly.]
Let's wait until the sun is fully in the sky. Then you can try.
no subject
He starts on her hand exercises while they speak, holding his good wrist in his bad hand and trying to close the fingers around it. The movement is small and sluggish, but it has been that way first thing in the morning for a few days now. It’ll be a little better in a few hours. ]
Little better than this time yesterday. I’ll try to lift the whip, later.
I won’t let the two of you face her alone. I promise.
no subject
[Aucard's tone is firm. Trevor wants to exert himself much faster than he should be, and Alucard is the only one qualified to stop him before he starts. It's a matter he takes seriously, and one he doesn't intend to screw up.
Five more minutes of the damn blindfold.]
We know you won't. But you can't rush recovery either, you promised me that.
no subject
[ Alucard giving him something to work toward was the best thing he could have done, but it does have its drawbacks. His own slow progress bothers him, and he wants to be doing so much more than he is. A few more tries and he can feel all of the fingers of that hand on his wrist as far as the first knuckle.
It's weird to think that two of them end there, now. But improvement that feels weird is still improvement nonetheless. ]
She still has one fuck of a toothache, if that helps.
no subject
[His smile is fragile and crooked and it disappears. Carmilla's tooth has become a part of the Belmont hold, encased in silver and as the record keeper, Alucard has credited the thing's capture to Trevor rather than himself.
He sighs, and then his eyes go to the window. The blindfold can come off soon.]
We can spend most of today outside though, if you'd like.
no subject
[ Not that either of them would ever let him fall, but still. ]
I bit her. When she was tying the cord at my arm, I leaned forward and tried to get blood out of her. Thought that if I could turn myself, at least I’d keep my mind, and Enid came up with all sorts of ways to fuck with an elder vampire through the familiar bond. Didn’t get enough, though. Barely a drop.
[ It’s not a great conversation topic, more a confession than anything else, but if it helps them to know that this stupid connection to Carmilla is something that he chose, not her- maybe it’ll help. Maybe, at least, they won’t feel as bad about it. ]
no subject
[He wishes he could offer to carry Trevor instead. Scoop him up and tote him around like the precious, precious thing he is. The wonderful thing he is, still so alive.
At the confession that he bit Carmilla, a soft, horrified noise escapes.]
I...I'm glad you failed. I don't think you could have managed it in the long run, Belmont. [This is just useful for now. But he has to confess though.]
We....[Fuck him.] We thought about turning. Just for a moment, when we were scared stupid that we'd lose you.
no subject
[ He probably needs to talk about the whole thing sometime. Right now, it seems a little pointless to do more than give Hector credit for the tiny ways he worked against Carmilla. ]
I- [ He does not say hat he would fucking hate that, because while it’s true, it’s not really- he’s trying. Trying to avoid saying things that sting, even if he doesn’t succeed. ] -I know that’s not a choice you’d take lightly. Means a lot that you’d consider it. Means more that you made the choice you did
no subject
[Or he could be dead. Or turned. Or any number of things that Alucard doesn't want to contemplate at the moment.]
You'd hate it anyway, and you're already miserable. It'd be cruel to pile more things atop you.
no subject
[ He looks up, in the direction of Alucard's voice. Well- 'looks'. There's not much actual looking happening. ]
We don't even know if you can turn people. What a fucking way that would have been to find out that you can't, if you tried that instead of the medicine bullshit.
[ Also the magic bullshit. He's not sure where one of those things ends and the other begins, but he knows that at least part of his leg is held together by magic. little threads of it keeping muscles lashed to bone in place of tendons that didn't survive the ordeal. New muscle should grow upon them as he uses them, the magic acting as a scaffold for his body to repair itself the slow science-y way.
Sypha explains using magic for healing as a conversation with the body. All she can do with her magic is ask questions and wait and listen. The body has to answer. That's the difference between that and forgemastery - a forgemaster tells the body the answer, and the body twists to make it true. ]
no subject
[Alucard sighs the words. Everyone is a victim here, save Carmilla. She's a vicious, feral thing now that needs to be put down and--
--and the sun is up. He leans forward, removing the blindfold from Trevor and carefully placing it on the bedside table. It'll do, and there. He can look at his Belmont properly now.
It also means that Trevor can see the concern etched everywhere on Alucard's face. It has been there the entire conversation, of course.]
I'm almost certain it can be done, if only because of who my father was. [A vampire with a third of Dracula's power. It'd still be enough to care on Carmilla.]
But it doesn't matter. Won't matter from here on out either. You're human, and you're staying that way.
no subject
[ He lifts his good arm to cover his left eye, letting the sunlight filter in slowly through his fingers. Everything already aches, no need to give himself a migraine on top of it. It's only when he pulls the hand back and really pays attention that he notices the concern and sighs. His shoulders drop and he smiles. Weakly, but he's trying.
He's grateful for everything, he really is. Even if he's done nothing but complain and blame himself for things for a while now. ]
Hey. I'm alive. That's- much better than I was expecting this to end. And I fucked up. A lot. But you gave me a shot at making it right, so I'm going to do it. [ He doesn't touch Alucard, settling instead for resting his hand on the edge of the bed near to him. ] This ends with her dead and us alive. Everything else we can deal with afterward.
no subject
[Alucard's done this an awful lot lately. Falling into awkward silences when he has nothing else to say. Wanting those words to come and then wanting to scream when they don't. It's horribly frustrating and he hates it, and all that's left for him is gestures.
He leans down and puts a kiss to Trevor's forehead. Not the top of his head, but forehead. It's quick and unsure, but God it's trying so hard to say I love you.]
no subject
It means he's been trying to make the most of the contact they unavoidably have lately. The few moments in his arms as he's moved into the chair or in and out of the bath. A hand on his shoulder as he tries to use the stick to walk. Enjoying it seems a little wrong, because it isn't as if Alucard wants to have those moments of contact, but it's also the closest they'll ever get to physical closeness.
And then Alucard kisses him and he just looks up, stunned. That just happened. They don't touch, not unless there's some practical reason, and yet that just happened. ]
Heh. [ He says uselessly after a moment, for want of anything to fill the silence. ] Sypha's going to get jealous now, you know.
I- [ love you too. ] -when you're ready, for all of this, you know I'll be here. That mess didn't get rid of me, doubt anything else will any time soon.
no subject
It's gotten worse in recovery. Alucard's seen how Sypha so easily embraces Trevor. Holds him, comforts him, makes it clear that everything is healing. It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't.
Worst of it all, he wants to say that it's all Carmilla's fault, but it isn't. If Alucard had tried harder to get through this earlier, if he had put in more effort, if, if, ififif.]
That's only if she finds out.
[It's a bad joke. One that comes with a strained laugh.]
I know, Trevor. And I'm just...[He stops, running a hand through his hair for want of something else.]
I'm sorry. About everything.
no subject
[ He's going to have to actually say it, isn't he? Shit. ]
I love you. [ THERE. FINE. HE DID IT. ] We love you. And if this- if this is what loving you ends up looking like forever, then that's what we've chosen. We've chosen to be near to you, and it's not because we want more than that.
[ He sighs, rubbing the back of his head with his good hand. ]
You're not something broken that we have to fix. I- thought you were, at first. But- you know. Turns out there are things in the world that aren't just problems that need to be solved.
no subject
But more than saying the thing, he said more important things than just love. That this is okay. Well, not the injuries, but that Alucard can only do as much as he can right now. That Trevor's own preoccupations have learned to step back and give Alucard's own problems time to breathe and resolve.
He can feel the threat of tears in the corner of his eyes. And then Alucard kisses him again. It's quick and terrified but it's against Trevor's lips. He withdraws, but it isn't before managing a very soft, very breathless:] I love you too.
(no subject)