Catch All

[cryptsleeper]

Comments

[cryptsleeper]

[No it's also about that, but for later.]

I do think you should address that as well, but later. [She smiles softly.]

And that is a fair compromise.

[miraclewhip]

...perhaps when this is done.

[ That's 'never'. No. Alucard doesn't need to know. It'd horrify him to know that every time he turned to him for comfort, Trevor was practically getting off on it. He's been more distant now as a result, and- that's best. He should keep doing that. ]

This is all I needed of you. Unless you have other business, I'll let you go. The castle has seen to your usual room.

[ There's a pause, as if he meant to say something more, but he just shakes his head. ]

[cryptsleeper]

[Theodora has enough grace to hide her doubts, but she does look a little put off otherwise. She smiles at him though, and as she stands, there's a better idea on her lips:]

Knowing your family, you haven't eaten yet. I take normal food to put my former countrymen at ease, so why don't you take fifteen minutes and humor me by at least picking at something?

[It's not exactly a request, and not a demand.

Alucard's day is quiet. Mostly full of reading reports from various parts of Wallachia. Taking notes about their troubles and who he needs to talk to about fixing them. All is well until he reaches the bottom of the pile and---

--fuck.

He reads his father's farewell letter. Carefully.

Then declares himself done with business for the day and retreats to his room. Throws crown aside, bundles himself up as best he can, and makes it clear he's to be left alone for the night save truly urgent business. It's information that reaches Trevor's ears in due course, but closer to morning.]

[miraclewhip]

[ The castle summons him, and he keeps working.

He does pick at the food, in that way that somehow morphs into eating as quickly as possible. It had been a day or so since he made the time. When he's done, the castle tries to lead him to Alucard's quarters and he takes the wrong door until it actually lets him to a study. He gets the news that something is wrong and that Alucard has asked to be left alone, eventually, and he knows that doesn't apply to him and keeps working.

Eventually, the castle rearranges itself to force him into Alucard's room. Because of course it does. He doesn't know if Alucard's awake, and he doesn't check. The crown is on the floor, so he picks it up to return it to its place. ]

[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard's head picks up just a little when Trevor walks in. His nostrils flare, relieved for the familiar scent.

When he speaks, his voice is so very thick and weary.]

Trevor?

[miraclewhip]

You're still awake.

[ He sets the crown down, then goes to his chair. It's close enough to the bed that if both of them reach out their arms he can touch Alucard's hand, and that's the only contact they've really had recently. ]

What happened?

[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard's not laid down in bed, not really. He's coocooned himself up so much that the thickness of the furs has him on an angle. But with Trevor there, he sits up entirely.]

A final missive from my father. [His voice is soft, eyes refusing to meet Trevor's.]

It reads as a last note and farewell if he never returns.

[miraclewhip]

Oh.

[ He doesn't know how to respond to that. Even if he wasn't so preoccupied with not making this weird he wouldn't know what to say. He never had warning, and maybe that was in part a blessing. There was never the slow, encroaching dread. ]

All we can do is keep you safe, so you'll see him again should he come back.

[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard's shoulders manage to slump even more forward.]

I've never felt so alone.

[miraclewhip]

It's not forever. Just until they return. Both of them.

[ This is the part where he's meant to say that he's not alone, but oops. ]

[cryptsleeper]

Trevor, you won't even touch me.

[miraclewhip]

What? Of course I will.

[ He's trying to play dumb. Like he doesn't understand what Alucard means. He does, of course he does. And he knows it must hurt.

But it's still better. It's less wrong to be distant than to- everything he's done. Even a month later, he's still going over that last kiss in his head. How much distress Alucard must have been in, and how his body decided that it ought to turn offering comfort into something closer to taking advantage. He extends a hand, resting it on the edge of the mattress. ]

This is just- more appropriate.

[cryptsleeper]

I don't care about appropriate!

[Maybe it comes out demanding. Or scared. Or childish. Or something else entirely. No matter what is there, the distress is plain, and Alucard doesn't reach for Trevor's hand. He brings his knees up and hugs them close to his chest.]

[miraclewhip]

I do!

[ He shouts it, and for a while he says nothing more. It's awkward. Horrible. After a while he finally speaks again, looking away. ]

I know- I know this is how it used to be. But we were children then. It's- different now. It's been different for a while. It just took me a long time to notice.

[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard just. Buries his face on his knees. Says nothing for a very long time.

And then:]

No. You're imposing limits.

[More to the point is what follows.] You're the only person who I can lean on, and I can't even do that now.

[miraclewhip]

You can. Of course you can. Just-

[ He takes his hand back, spreading both of them helplessly. ]

I can't touch you. I can't trust myself not to- I just can't.

[ HE CAN'T TRUST HIMSELF NOT TO BONER IF HE HUGS YOU OKAY ]

[cryptsleeper]

You can't trust yourself to not what, Trevor?

[He still hasn't picked his head up. He's trying to curl up on himself as much as possible. Be as small as possible.]

[miraclewhip]

I- fuck.

[ He doesn't want to tell him. Partially because he doesn't want to admit to it, but mostly because it puts years of interactions into question. He doesn't know how long he's been like this. Doesn't know if some dark, filthy part of him was secretly, secretly even from himself, perusing some kind of agenda all this time.

Trevor Belmont is not a man who can just be horny and it's fun and uncomplicated. He's gotta be useless and self-loathing about it. ]

Something's wrong with me, Adrian. I'll be here, no matter what. I'll keep you safe. But I can't touch you.

[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard doesn't move.]

Just tell me. Please. Whatever it is won't wound as much as your absence does.

[miraclewhip]

[ He doesn't want to explain this. He really doesn't want to explain this. ]

I- When you've been upset. When you've wanted me to touch you, I-

[ He's usually not bad with words, but right now his mouth is moving but sound isn't coming out. He can't make the words leave his mouth. He hangs his head eventually. ]

-filthy. I'm filthy.

[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard finally picks his head up.

Pauses.

Then narrows his eyes.]

A normal psychological reaction is why you're upset?

[miraclewhip]

Normal?

[ He lifts his own head. ]

It's not normal. It's- You need help, and I can't keep myself from- it's wrong.

[cryptsleeper]

[T R E V O R.]

It's a natural reaction and it indicates attraction, that's--

[.........OH.]

[miraclewhip]

[ OH MY GOD THIS IS THE WORST. He knows what that sentence suddenly ending means. That Alucard's caught on. This is awful. He should never have started a conversation about his penis. ]

It doesn't matter. [ There's a finality to that, and he shakes his head and stands. ] Natural or not, it has to stop happening.

[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard reaches out. Latches onto Trevor's wrist, and to hell with keeping anything at bay. He lets all the fear in him out in that one gesture, but there's enough sense in the vampire yet to not use bruising force.]

I don't care.

[He's firm about that much.]

I need you. In love with me or even if you hate me now I need you and your presence. Not your absence. Not...lurking in shadows. Looking over my shoulder. Just here. With me. Please.