I know you do. I just don't know how I'm meant to react. I'm not doing anything because I want her to be proud. I'm just- you know. Somehow the least fucked-up person here. That's a position that comes with responsibilities.
[ He sighs. ]
Fine, you want me to fuck off and let you stare into the fire with a glass of useless grape piss?
[ He doubts it's easy. But eventually Sypha wakes first, staring blearily from his arms at a pile of silver fur in the chair next to the bed and she's almost back to her old self as she shakes him awake to appreciate the big dog in a chair. For a precious few days she forgets her own distress, too caught up in the joy of there maybe being hope for Alucard to care.
It ends, of course. But it's nice. And it begins again every time she wakes to a bundle of fluff in a chair, even if it doesn't last.
She's asleep on his chest right now, icy feet coiled around one of his legs, drooling on him maybe a little more than he'd like. He's only half-awake, but he can sense someone sitting down in the chair. ]
[It's easier, being a pile of self loathing. Knowing that redemption is pointless, because when they leave he'll just collapse again. Feeling the shame that they saw him in such a way, were horrified by the fact that yes, he had become his father. Alucard's buried himself under a mountain and resents being told to undig himself.
He doesn't want to try. He wants them to give up, because to move back to where he was? It's impossible. He knows it is, and Alucard hates the tiny part of him that's still selfless. Still loves them both. Wants them, wants them to be happy and damnit if Sypha isn't happy when Sypha sees his wolf form in the chair that first night.
The wolf comes and goes. There are good days and bad. And--
I'll be honest, I was expecting to be asleep at this fucking hour.
[ But sometimes you close your eyes and just see Dracula staring back, reaching out from his new kingdom, the ruins of a forgotten little clinic on the outskirts of a forgotten little village. ]
's it make it harder, if I'm talking? I can shut up if it does.
I won't pretend it's not weird. But I'm lying in a bed in the fucking demon castle. After washing myself with water that said demon castle shot through a few hundred feet of metal veins. I'm sober. There's a magician drooling on my tit. You staring at us because we invited you do is about the most normal part of this mess.
[He's frank about that much, but there's a deep undercurrent of shame threaded through the words. He feels awful. He failed them. He knew he did, but not how badly that failure would manifest.]
For that, I'm sorry.
[Not for the impaling (although he is.) Not for the behavior (ditto.) But because the person they thought he was is gone.]
[ There's no sense in pretending that the Alucard they've returned to is the one they left. Not when Sypha's asleep. It's hard enough some days to pretend that the Alucard they returned to is one that they can grow to care for.
He'd have given up a long time ago, except that every time he thinks about it he remembers that Sypha never gave up on him. ]
I don't think we're ever going to. Same way you'll never really find a Belmont, just a pale imitation. Same way nobody's ever going to find a mad speaker who thinks exploding goat shit is fun.
[He wants them to think that they can't care for the thing they returned to. He had killed in self defense, and they could stomach that. But the impalement? That's the line. It's been crossed. He doesn't deserve their affection.
He still doesn't understand why they're pretending otherwise.]
...Of course you two did.
[Had wonderful time on the road together, goat shit and all.]
You don't have to stay. Those other two people sound as if they can come back.
[ He shakes his head, staring up at the darkness. ]
The Belmont hasn't existed in a decade, for a start. And the speaker- you don't just un-learn things like that. Best you can hope for is to get so caught up in the orbit of someone who doesn't know yet that you forget them for a while.
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[ And while mostly sober! If nothing else, the month of playing well-adjusted human being has done some good for him. ]
You want me to fuck off and let you sleep, or do you need the company a little longer?
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[He can be genuine and traumatized. It's a skill!]
Bold of you to assume I sleep much these days, Belmont.
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[ He sighs. ]
Fine, you want me to fuck off and let you stare into the fire with a glass of useless grape piss?
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[Alucard nods. Returns his gaze to the fire.]
Yes, I think that'd be best for now.
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It ends, of course. But it's nice. And it begins again every time she wakes to a bundle of fluff in a chair, even if it doesn't last.
She's asleep on his chest right now, icy feet coiled around one of his legs, drooling on him maybe a little more than he'd like. He's only half-awake, but he can sense someone sitting down in the chair. ]
Mmn. Don't you usually have more legs than this?
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He doesn't want to try. He wants them to give up, because to move back to where he was? It's impossible. He knows it is, and Alucard hates the tiny part of him that's still selfless. Still loves them both. Wants them, wants them to be happy and damnit if Sypha isn't happy when Sypha sees his wolf form in the chair that first night.
The wolf comes and goes. There are good days and bad. And--
--busted.]
I thought you'd be asleep.
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[ But sometimes you close your eyes and just see Dracula staring back, reaching out from his new kingdom, the ruins of a forgotten little clinic on the outskirts of a forgotten little village. ]
's it make it harder, if I'm talking? I can shut up if it does.
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[A wolf is less creepy and very fluffy!]
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[ He actually opens his eyes, turning to look at Alucard and blinking in the low light until his eyes adjust enough to make out his silhouette. ]
We want you here.
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In the dark. Watching you sleep.
You're positive?
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[ He sighs. ]
I won't pretend it's not weird. But I'm lying in a bed in the fucking demon castle. After washing myself with water that said demon castle shot through a few hundred feet of metal veins. I'm sober. There's a magician drooling on my tit. You staring at us because we invited you do is about the most normal part of this mess.
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[He's just saying.
But demon castle. Yes, that's what he made it again, isn't it? Alucard tries to shrug that thought off.]
Go back to sleep, Belmont.
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[ He huffs at Alucard, then softens. ]
You changed your tune fast. Guessing I said something stupid.
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[He sighs.]
It was never going to be anything but the demon castle.
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[ Sypha stirs and he brings a hand up to her face, combing it through her short hair until she settles again. ]
Did you want it to be something else?
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[ He repeats it slowly, as if he's struggling with the concept. As if he barely remembers what homes are meant to be. ]
Maybe eventually. Fucking thing can move itself halfway across the world, maybe it can turn itself into something else.
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[He can't even make that be funny when he says it. Alucard just sounds a different shade of tired instead.]
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[ It's only the no-touching rule keeping Alucard from receiving a pillow to the face. ]
It was a home once. It can be one again, probably. I just- shit, I don't know if I'm ready for somewhere to be home. I don't know when I will be.
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[Just a trace of the castle's footprint. No indication of where the dhampir went. Just two impaled bodies and the Hold.]
Then why did you come back?
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[ He huffs. ]
She needed someone better than me. We thought we'd find you here. [ They haven't yet. Not really. ]
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[He's frank about that much, but there's a deep undercurrent of shame threaded through the words. He feels awful. He failed them. He knew he did, but not how badly that failure would manifest.]
For that, I'm sorry.
[Not for the impaling (although he is.) Not for the behavior (ditto.) But because the person they thought he was is gone.]
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[ There's no sense in pretending that the Alucard they've returned to is the one they left. Not when Sypha's asleep. It's hard enough some days to pretend that the Alucard they returned to is one that they can grow to care for.
He'd have given up a long time ago, except that every time he thinks about it he remembers that Sypha never gave up on him. ]
I don't think we're ever going to. Same way you'll never really find a Belmont, just a pale imitation. Same way nobody's ever going to find a mad speaker who thinks exploding goat shit is fun.
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He still doesn't understand why they're pretending otherwise.]
...Of course you two did.
[Had wonderful time on the road together, goat shit and all.]
You don't have to stay. Those other two people sound as if they can come back.
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[ He shakes his head, staring up at the darkness. ]
The Belmont hasn't existed in a decade, for a start. And the speaker- you don't just un-learn things like that. Best you can hope for is to get so caught up in the orbit of someone who doesn't know yet that you forget them for a while.
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