[There's a mess of vampire that burrows into Trevor, all limbs and grief and wanting to be freed from whatever horrible thing this is. A thing marked by grief. A thing clawing for light yet terrified of it. That it too might betray him.
The mess is made of silent tears and less silent sniffles, certain of one thing:]
[And that says everything about how broken the vampire feels, doesn't it? That fear has finally held onto him more than it ever should, and this is the result. The skittish, terrified result.
It’s delicate, barely a brush of lips save for the fact that he lingers. And he pulls Alucard tighter to him, until the drumming of his heartbeat is unmistakable. ]
I’m not afraid. [ He whispers it against Alucard’s lips. ] Let me be brave for all of us.
[ Muscle shifts beneath his arms. Alucard tenses like a bow ready to fire. If this was a mistake, if this was going to turn deadly, this would be the moment when it happens.
It doesn't, and Trevor kisses him once more before bringing a hand up to the back of his head, stoking his hair. It's a mess. A disaster. He never thought he'd be the one to say that they all need to wash at some point, but- shit, they really do. And he can be the one to tell others that they're worth that, even if he can't be worth it himself. ]
It gets easier. Hurts less. And then, sooner or later, you run into these people and they dig their way under your skin, until their veins are inside you. Until it's their heartbeats moving your body, and yours moving theirs. And then it barely hurts at all.
[ Not that he's talking from experience or anything. He carefully moves his hand through Alucard's hair, trying his best to avoid tugging. ]
[Alucard's hair has actual tangles in it, which for him is beyond the absolute pale. But the rest of him is just sad and slack and wanting to curl up somewhere, tired.
He makes soft noises to acknowledge that Trevor's speaking. He can't do much more.]
It won't. But if it does, we'll find something else.
[ He rearranges his arms, just a little. To gather Alucard up against him properly. The kitchen floor isn't the most comfortable place in the world, but that doesn't matter right now. ]
We'll find a way. Make it stop hurting. Bring you back to us.
[Alucard lets himself be held. His long fingers curl and cling to the fabric of Trevor's shirt. Horrible muted sobs keep escaping in spite all his best efforts. Everything Trevor says sounds so good. So right. But how can it be?
It's horrible, the two parts of Alucard running in opposite directions. The part that says no, it'll still be a lie. The other that wants to believe and be held and cared for after all that's transpired.
[ It's easier, with Sypha. Most of the time, it's easy to bring her back to herself with the smallest things. Contact. Words. Food. Warmth. With Alucard- some of those things seem to be helping, but only by degrees. He wants to believe that there has to be some secret way to help that he just hasn't found yet, but at this point he's pretty sure he's too much of an idiot to find it.
He kisses Alucard again, this time with enough force behind it that it could actually be honestly described as a kiss, rather than just lips brushing against each other. Just once more. ]
[He doesn't kiss back. Not really. There's still fear there, about what it might mean to return a kiss. But Alucard doesn't shy away from the gesture either, and that in and of itself is massive progress.
He lets himself be kissed. Holds onto Trevor after that too, soft and limp and just too tired to do anything more. At some point he'll get up and return to the blanket fort, but here? Now?
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The mess is made of silent tears and less silent sniffles, certain of one thing:]
I can't ask that. Not when she's-- and you're---
[He tries again.]
It isn't fair.
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[ He reaches under Alucard’s chin, tilting his head up so they can actually look at each other. ]
We want to give.
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I'm afraid of accepting.
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[ His voice is soft. Quiet. It’s only because they’re so close than Alucard can pick it up, vampire hearing or not. ]
Look at me. I want- I need you to know this is me. Not someone else. Not someone who’d hurt you. Me.
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[And that says everything about how broken the vampire feels, doesn't it? That fear has finally held onto him more than it ever should, and this is the result. The skittish, terrified result.
Red, teary eyes manage to meet Trevor's.]
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It’s delicate, barely a brush of lips save for the fact that he lingers. And he pulls Alucard tighter to him, until the drumming of his heartbeat is unmistakable. ]
I’m not afraid. [ He whispers it against Alucard’s lips. ] Let me be brave for all of us.
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It never happens. It's only this. Only being pulled against Trevor, Alucard's delicate ears picking up every thundering heartbeat.]
Okay. [He breathes out.] For now, okay.
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It doesn't, and Trevor kisses him once more before bringing a hand up to the back of his head, stoking his hair. It's a mess. A disaster. He never thought he'd be the one to say that they all need to wash at some point, but- shit, they really do. And he can be the one to tell others that they're worth that, even if he can't be worth it himself. ]
It gets easier. Hurts less. And then, sooner or later, you run into these people and they dig their way under your skin, until their veins are inside you. Until it's their heartbeats moving your body, and yours moving theirs. And then it barely hurts at all.
[ Not that he's talking from experience or anything. He carefully moves his hand through Alucard's hair, trying his best to avoid tugging. ]
You already found her. You've got a head start.
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He makes soft noises to acknowledge that Trevor's speaking. He can't do much more.]
It's going to fail--
[It will. He knows it.]
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[ He rearranges his arms, just a little. To gather Alucard up against him properly. The kitchen floor isn't the most comfortable place in the world, but that doesn't matter right now. ]
We'll find a way. Make it stop hurting. Bring you back to us.
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It's horrible, the two parts of Alucard running in opposite directions. The part that says no, it'll still be a lie. The other that wants to believe and be held and cared for after all that's transpired.
That part wins in the end.]
Please.
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He kisses Alucard again, this time with enough force behind it that it could actually be honestly described as a kiss, rather than just lips brushing against each other. Just once more. ]
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He lets himself be kissed. Holds onto Trevor after that too, soft and limp and just too tired to do anything more. At some point he'll get up and return to the blanket fort, but here? Now?
This is all he can ask for.]