[Alucard forces himself to listen. To fly off the handle without details is pointless, no matter how much he wants to. Needs to, because someone is trying to invite worse harm back into the world.
Bringing Dracula back. Alucard feels himself shudder, and he draws his knees up.]
The fuck would I know? I just know that there was only one other person there. There are more dead assholes than that. I've sent more people there personally than that. I- know more people have to be there than that.
[ This is the last thing that he wanted to happen. And the only real evidence he can offer that it wasn't hell, that he hasn't condemned his father to something terrible? Could backfire so easily. He doesn't know. ]
-the other person who was there. She looked like you.
[Alucard's long accepted the fact that in any kind of afterlife that had an ounce of justice, his father would be in Hell. It was just what would happen. But for it to be true? Demonstrably? That's different. That comes with a new kind of guilt.
One that gets put aside for something softer. More broken. He speaks to himself rather than Trevor.]
Of course. Of course she is, why should she be spared?
There was nobody else there. Just them. And- they were together, and not hurting. I don't know that he even wanted to leave. And if it were hell- I would have recognised someone, distracted or not.
[ Okay, so this is going badly. Very badly. He didn't know what he expected, only knew that it wasn't right to keep this from Alucard, and-
-shit, he regrets everything. ]
Maybe they're happy. Maybe each other is enough for them.
[ He sighs. ]
It's better, isn't it? Than them being different places? I mean- assuming it was Hell. Assuming everything else was right. The other place doesn't seem like a place with a whole lot of room for doing good.
[ It's a quick response. Too quick. He shakes his head. ]
It'd be easier, if they were. It'd all make more fucking sense. It'd- [ He lets go of Alucard's hand. ] -maybe I'd remember what half of them look like.
Churches are run by men. Not any God, Belmont. They'll get rules wrong.
[But that last part lands, and Alucard chases after Trevor's hand. Squeezes back, because Trevor's problem? That's worse than Alucard's so far as the dhampir is concerned.]
I don't understand it. I don't know if I understand anything anymore. If that was Hell, that means- I don't like what that means. And if it wasn't, I don't know what that means, and I think that might be worse.
I've seen every little thing I know about the world challenged, here. Your father creating lightning and storing it and moving it around. Making water flow upward. Every last thing that she does. Miracle cures and fires that start themselves and-
[ The last is quiet. A confession. ]
-it makes me scared, sometimes. The bad sort of scared.
Dante isn't canonical, but he depicts hell as a place of layers. You can think of them like different cities or countries, and they all have their own geography. You might think of what you saw along those lines, if that gives any comfort.
[But it probably doesn't. Alucard sighs.]
What my father made here is things humanity can do. It's just understanding the natural world and putting it to work. But--
[He's bad at comfort too. ALucard squeezes Trevor's hand again.]
Dante just wanted to fuck his favourite author and you know it.
[ That brings a little levity into his voice. Dunking on poets is always a good feeling.
It doesn't last, but he doesn't pull his hand away ]
Am I? Because it feels like I want to see my mother in hell, just so that I know she's where I thought she was. Like I'm the kind of person who'd let people suffer because the alternative is acknowledging that everything I know is wrong. Like it I were the one holding the torch-
[ He pauses at that. He was talking about his own home but. Talking about burning people. Maybe not good. ]
-I like it when she calls me an idiot, you know? Because that makes it all make sense. Of course there's things I don't understand, if I'm an idiot. It's nice, for a while. But then- there's no fucking point in even trying, if I'm just never going to understand anything.
[Alucard doesn't look over at Trevor. That feels wrong, somehow.]
You are. The world after this will always be terrifying. We don't know enough about it - we only get glimpses like the one you did. How we process them and move on, incorporate it to what we do know is what's important.
[ He wraps his arms around Alucard, leaning his chin on his shoulder. There's nothing new about it, the way he's holding him. He's held him in just about every way he can possibly hold someone over the last few weeks, as if there's one way that he just needs to find that would make this better.
What is new is feeling so vulnerable himself. So open. He's been trying to be the strong one. The one least fucked up by all of this. ]
Then we're all here to be strong where the others are weak. I try not to be afraid, so I can protect you both. And if I'm about to do something stupid because I'm scared, you both stop me.
[ALucard doesn't like the idea of all of them being scared. It feels dangerous, because they'll all do something dumb. They're all too vulnerable, and this? This is what Alucard feared the most. Asking Trevor to shoulder all their weight and not being able to shoulder his own.
There's a little shift in the blanket. He's at his comfiest now, resting in Trevor's arms.]
We always have but--
[It's different.]
I don't know what else to tell you. [Not being able to comfort--] I wish I was happier, so that you could have the time to think about this.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Bringing Dracula back. Alucard feels himself shudder, and he draws his knees up.]
Where else would he be if not Hell, Trevor?
no subject
[ Excommunicants. ]
no subject
[The questions are soft. Not combative.]
no subject
[ He reaches for Alucard's hand. ]
I don't know what the fuck I expect you to do with this information. But I can't- I couldn't not tell you. Not forever. You deserve to know.
no subject
So then you missed details.
[But that isn't as important as this awful realization:]
I put him there.
no subject
[ This is the last thing that he wanted to happen. And the only real evidence he can offer that it wasn't hell, that he hasn't condemned his father to something terrible? Could backfire so easily. He doesn't know. ]
-the other person who was there. She looked like you.
no subject
One that gets put aside for something softer. More broken. He speaks to himself rather than Trevor.]
Of course. Of course she is, why should she be spared?
no subject
[ This is going terribly. ]
There was nobody else there. Just them. And- they were together, and not hurting. I don't know that he even wanted to leave. And if it were hell- I would have recognised someone, distracted or not.
no subject
[He looks out. Over the forest. Over the setting sun. At the twilight colors.]
Alone with only each other. My mother without a world to do good in. My father with her, but without being able to rejoince in her brightness.
no subject
-shit, he regrets everything. ]
Maybe they're happy. Maybe each other is enough for them.
[ He sighs. ]
It's better, isn't it? Than them being different places? I mean- assuming it was Hell. Assuming everything else was right. The other place doesn't seem like a place with a whole lot of room for doing good.
no subject
[But only that much. Alucard tugs his blanket cape around himself, all but swallowed in it now.]
Thank you.
no subject
[ He squeezes Alucard's hand. ]
It wouldn't have been right not to tell you.
no subject
[For all that this hurts, it's still better to know rather than not.]
Did you really want to see your family there?
no subject
[ It's a quick response. Too quick. He shakes his head. ]
It'd be easier, if they were. It'd all make more fucking sense. It'd- [ He lets go of Alucard's hand. ] -maybe I'd remember what half of them look like.
no subject
[But that last part lands, and Alucard chases after Trevor's hand. Squeezes back, because Trevor's problem? That's worse than Alucard's so far as the dhampir is concerned.]
I'm sorry.
no subject
I've seen every little thing I know about the world challenged, here. Your father creating lightning and storing it and moving it around. Making water flow upward. Every last thing that she does. Miracle cures and fires that start themselves and-
[ The last is quiet. A confession. ]
-it makes me scared, sometimes. The bad sort of scared.
no subject
[But it probably doesn't. Alucard sighs.]
What my father made here is things humanity can do. It's just understanding the natural world and putting it to work. But--
[He's bad at comfort too. ALucard squeezes Trevor's hand again.]
You're allowed to be.
no subject
[ That brings a little levity into his voice. Dunking on poets is always a good feeling.
It doesn't last, but he doesn't pull his hand away ]
Am I? Because it feels like I want to see my mother in hell, just so that I know she's where I thought she was. Like I'm the kind of person who'd let people suffer because the alternative is acknowledging that everything I know is wrong. Like it I were the one holding the torch-
[ He pauses at that. He was talking about his own home but. Talking about burning people. Maybe not good. ]
-I like it when she calls me an idiot, you know? Because that makes it all make sense. Of course there's things I don't understand, if I'm an idiot. It's nice, for a while. But then- there's no fucking point in even trying, if I'm just never going to understand anything.
no subject
[Alucard doesn't look over at Trevor. That feels wrong, somehow.]
You are. The world after this will always be terrifying. We don't know enough about it - we only get glimpses like the one you did. How we process them and move on, incorporate it to what we do know is what's important.
[He can still speak pretty sometimes.]
I don't know what else I can say.
no subject
I shouldn't have made this about my bullshit. It's fine. I just- I guess it's normal to get shaken by this kind of shit.
You going to be okay?
no subject
[He sighs. Then leans sideways into Trevor.]
Probably not.
no subject
[ He lets go of Alucard's hand, but only so he can wrap his arm behind him, letting his hand settle on his hip. ]
Not sure any of us are going to be.
no subject
What happens if none of us are?
no subject
What is new is feeling so vulnerable himself. So open. He's been trying to be the strong one. The one least fucked up by all of this. ]
Then we're all here to be strong where the others are weak. I try not to be afraid, so I can protect you both. And if I'm about to do something stupid because I'm scared, you both stop me.
no subject
There's a little shift in the blanket. He's at his comfiest now, resting in Trevor's arms.]
We always have but--
[It's different.]
I don't know what else to tell you. [Not being able to comfort--] I wish I was happier, so that you could have the time to think about this.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)