[His hand lingers on the doorknob. (He has to unlock it first, because he is still Alucard.) Sypha's....open. And straightforward. And any call she makes is impossible to question because of those facts and because she has always known what she wanted.
It made things easier. Less complicated, because he could just respond to all of it. No thinking required than just going with what Sypha wanted and his own gut. The rest was...nebulous at best.]
You're an asshole with nothing left but her, and I'm an asshole with nothing left but her.
[ They have that, at least. Like sailors navigating by the same star. ]
But there's no good fucking word for that, is there? So- fuck it. I don't have enough family left that I can just go about refusing when she forces one onto me.
[That was not a joke, and he opens the door. There's no noise as it swings open, moonlight filtering in from the window just across the way. Half moon, and the light streams over Alucard. He's already pale enough, he doesn't need the help.]
Dragged along in the same current. Different captain of the ship now.
[ That's not a response. Not to anything Alucard's said, anyway. He's unearthly in the moonlight, the silver of it leeching the colour out of his skin (and fuck if that isn't a phrasing he's going to regret in three years time). Each strand of his hair catches the light, softens it, so that there's a hazy mist of white light about his head and shoulders. Beautiful.
(He doesn't deserve either of them.)
The next words fall clumsily out of his mouth while his mind is occupied by that thought. ]
[At least that answer is instant. A gut answer, because the prophecy said three, didn't it? It never said anything about three concluding, and it makes this discussion feel easier to have. (It is not.)
He leans in the doorway, arms crossed, eyes looking at the window rather than at Trevor.]
[ It's- as comforting as having an escape route blocked off can ever be. Because that's what it would be, if he left 'for their sakes'. So that the heathen can have a good, church-approved monogamous relationship with the actual fucking vampire. Because being church-approved would naturally be their first priority.
(It had made sense in his head.) ]
Either you've got competent at lying while we were gone, or you actually mean that. [ There's a little amusement there. A little bewilderment. A lot of apprehension. ] Shit. I- shit.
Belmont, who is possibly here that I can practice lying to other than myself?
[That's the point as far as Alucard's concerned, all the nonsense in Trevor's head mercifully confined. If it were to be voiced, Alucard would just stare at him and wonder why the approval of such a wretched institution would matter to begin with.
Heathen, vampire, excommunicate, after all. No matter the arrangements involved.
The apprehension is new though. Alucard's eyes go over to Trevor, betraying some bafflement.]
This wasn't how it was supposed to go. When I asked her to come back here. I thought I was going to just leave her here with you and stop dragging her down. And she thought-
[ Okay so their decision to come back may or may not have been at least in part a result of mutual drunken admissions of fondness for their dhampir. And he'd thought that he'd found an easy escape route, and she'd thought that they'd just come back and everyone would articulate feelings as easily as she did and this would all go fine. ]
-and neither of those things fucking happened. And now I'm sharing a bed with a fucking vampire and I have no idea what the fuck I'm supposed to do about that.
Belmont, you're proposing a nomad stay in one place for...how long, precisely? [Alucard's question belies the real tone which is are you fucking kidding me? A stupid plan if Alucard's ever heard it, and he is maybe the king of stupid plans when you realize that "patricide" was his answer to "my dad went batshit with grief and is destroying a whole country."
That's not the actual point here. He knows it. But he doesn't care, because he's not sure where this is going. Better to stick with what's known.]
If you'd prefer the bed to yourself while she is away, I can oblige. Unless the real question is how do you feel about the fact we're both in the same bedroom, in which case I can't tell you what to do about it aside from make a decision about your own opinion on the matter.
She thought we'd give a shit about each other. That that would happen and that this would make sense because of it.
[ It didn't. It doesn't. He hates this. ]
I feel like I don't want to lie in bed next to someone who doesn't want me to be there, who's just going to spend the whole night judging me for want of bricks to count.
We've had plenty of discussions about my sleep habits before. You're taking that fact personally now?
[That isn't the point either. Which means even daring to address what this really is, better known as the question of where do we stand in relation to each other? Sypha was...easier, in many ways. And Trevor was right about both being assholes with nothing else left but her. That was one of the reasons that it was easy. The rest was just Sypha's nature.]
We are both prickly by our natures. Let us begin with that simple fact.
[ So yes. That's an agreement. Shit, why did Sypha find this so easy? It's not fair- she doesn't need to express this shit with words anymore. She just curls up against either of them and it makes sense. She's good at words, and she doesn't even need to use them. ]
I'm taking it personally that you don't want me to be here. And you don't want me to leave. And so what the fuck am I supposed to do?
[ The silence is fucking suffocating. It it could have been a few seconds or it could have been an hour but it's enough time for his stomach to turn and for him to regret every single individual decision that led him here. ]
I can't make you happy. So you may was well just fuck off until she comes back.
[ Request or not, usually he'd just be an ass and ignore it for as long as he could anyway. Right now- right now he doesn't have the energy to act like a shit.
He shoves himself out of the bed, following to the library in defeated silence. ]
[The lights turn on in the hallways as they go. It's one of the cleanest pathways in the castle, if only because Alucard's in the library often enough. He needed the floor cleaned.
Likewise, the library is one of the best repaired parts of the castle so far. The reasons for it are varied, and there's a portion of the library tables that are dedicated to working on the books themselves. One thing has it's covers and spine removed, all the pages loose.
Alucard starts there. And he takes pages from a smaller pile that originally came from the unbound book and begins to put them where they should be.
The work is the mediation. So he must begin.]
I hadn't realized. [Another page back where it should be. Eyes on the page.] And I don't get to use grief as an excuse either.
[ He doesn't know how the fuck bookbinding works. And so he looks around for a while, trying to find a place to settle his eyes. In the end, he settles on Alucard's hands. ]
Mmh. [ He's reduced to just sounds, now. What on earth is he supposed to say? He doesn't know what they're even doing here. Is he meant to pick his feelings down into their component parts, try to figure out how a lifetime of hatred for pale things with fangs and a few months of snapping at each other and another few months of separation could possibly add up to a whole of- this? ]
Four months. [ He manages after a while, though it's not really. A useful statement. ]
[The pages get put back. They're realigned so carefully, then put onto a contraption that keeps all the pages perfectly in place. And then there is thick cord, because it seems the thing they both come back to when there's serious discussions to be had is sewing.
Alucard's hands aren't quite nimble, but it's quicker than stitching skin.]
Four months. [He repeats it softly. And he considers everything.]
It isn't that I'm opposed to any of going beyond just [How to articulate this?} A v shape with her as the apex. [Because that's what it is right now.]
She wanted to come back right away. I told her to wait four months. That's why she wasn't here when you needed her. When she could have done the most good.
[ The rest, the rest he just listens to. 'Not opposed'. He doesn't want Alucard to not be opposed to him, because being tolerated isn't the same as being wanted.
Really, he should be happy with 'tolerated'. It's worlds more than he's had before. But at least being opposed to him would be a feeling at all. ]
Have you ever been opposed to anything, other than the destruction of humanity?
You were right to wait. [Because Trevor's gone through this. He's more inclined to understand the need for space, to be alone, and to sit with all the heavy, terrible emotions before there's anyone else. His hands keep working. The needle is steady.] I would have taken any gesture as pity and drove you both away for good.
Thank you for that.
[There's real gratitude for that much. Before Trevor's a smartass, because they're both moving into that territory to avoid points, aren't they?]
Took me four months to start talking to myself, back then. I figured that's as good a sign as any that someone's ready for company.
[ And he doesn't know what to do with gratitude, so he just explains his reasoning anyway a little defensively, as if he'd been told he was wrong. Because he is always, always wrong. ]
I don't want you to not be opposed. Do you think that's better than the way things are now, to have you just tolerate my being with you, because it's less trouble than making me go away?
[There's a very pained smile at Trevor sharing that fact. It makes him feel a little better for all the fits, the bursts of anger and then horrible sadness. He's not beyond it entirely, but it is better.]
It isn't mere tolerance. [He's trying not to snap.] Or opposition.
Just me not using the right words. So you can stop acting as if this is on your shoulders, rather than mine.
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cryptsleeper) wrote2018-11-10 11:26 pm
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[His hand lingers on the doorknob. (He has to unlock it first, because he is still Alucard.) Sypha's....open. And straightforward. And any call she makes is impossible to question because of those facts and because she has always known what she wanted.
It made things easier. Less complicated, because he could just respond to all of it. No thinking required than just going with what Sypha wanted and his own gut. The rest was...nebulous at best.]
And your take?
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[ They have that, at least. Like sailors navigating by the same star. ]
But there's no good fucking word for that, is there? So- fuck it. I don't have enough family left that I can just go about refusing when she forces one onto me.
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[That was not a joke, and he opens the door. There's no noise as it swings open, moonlight filtering in from the window just across the way. Half moon, and the light streams over Alucard. He's already pale enough, he doesn't need the help.]
Dragged along in the same current. Different captain of the ship now.
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[ That's not a response. Not to anything Alucard's said, anyway. He's unearthly in the moonlight, the silver of it leeching the colour out of his skin (and fuck if that isn't a phrasing he's going to regret in three years time). Each strand of his hair catches the light, softens it, so that there's a hazy mist of white light about his head and shoulders. Beautiful.
(He doesn't deserve either of them.)
The next words fall clumsily out of his mouth while his mind is occupied by that thought. ]
Would it be easier without me?
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[At least that answer is instant. A gut answer, because the prophecy said three, didn't it? It never said anything about three concluding, and it makes this discussion feel easier to have. (It is not.)
He leans in the doorway, arms crossed, eyes looking at the window rather than at Trevor.]
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(It had made sense in his head.) ]
Either you've got competent at lying while we were gone, or you actually mean that. [ There's a little amusement there. A little bewilderment. A lot of apprehension. ] Shit. I- shit.
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[That's the point as far as Alucard's concerned, all the nonsense in Trevor's head mercifully confined. If it were to be voiced, Alucard would just stare at him and wonder why the approval of such a wretched institution would matter to begin with.
Heathen, vampire, excommunicate, after all. No matter the arrangements involved.
The apprehension is new though. Alucard's eyes go over to Trevor, betraying some bafflement.]
What?
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[ Okay so their decision to come back may or may not have been at least in part a result of mutual drunken admissions of fondness for their dhampir. And he'd thought that he'd found an easy escape route, and she'd thought that they'd just come back and everyone would articulate feelings as easily as she did and this would all go fine. ]
-and neither of those things fucking happened. And now I'm sharing a bed with a fucking vampire and I have no idea what the fuck I'm supposed to do about that.
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That's not the actual point here. He knows it. But he doesn't care, because he's not sure where this is going. Better to stick with what's known.]
If you'd prefer the bed to yourself while she is away, I can oblige. Unless the real question is how do you feel about the fact we're both in the same bedroom, in which case I can't tell you what to do about it aside from make a decision about your own opinion on the matter.
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[ It didn't. It doesn't. He hates this. ]
I feel like I don't want to lie in bed next to someone who doesn't want me to be there, who's just going to spend the whole night judging me for want of bricks to count.
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[That isn't the point either. Which means even daring to address what this really is, better known as the question of where do we stand in relation to each other? Sypha was...easier, in many ways. And Trevor was right about both being assholes with nothing else left but her. That was one of the reasons that it was easy. The rest was just Sypha's nature.]
We are both prickly by our natures. Let us begin with that simple fact.
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[ So yes. That's an agreement. Shit, why did Sypha find this so easy? It's not fair- she doesn't need to express this shit with words anymore. She just curls up against either of them and it makes sense. She's good at words, and she doesn't even need to use them. ]
I'm taking it personally that you don't want me to be here. And you don't want me to leave. And so what the fuck am I supposed to do?
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[...Here's a time for honesty, isn't it?]
Nor do I actually know what I want at the moment.
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[ And it's probably the most aggressive anyone has ever been when expressing that sentiment. ]
And she can do that, but I can't.
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Oh.
And he's going to stand there for a moment more than a little dumbfounded.]
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I can't make you happy. So you may was well just fuck off until she comes back.
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[That's not a request, Alucard's tone is clear on that. Sypha mediates. She's not here. So work will have to do that instead.]
Neither of us are sleeping, and I've been oblivious.
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[ Request or not, usually he'd just be an ass and ignore it for as long as he could anyway. Right now- right now he doesn't have the energy to act like a shit.
He shoves himself out of the bed, following to the library in defeated silence. ]
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Likewise, the library is one of the best repaired parts of the castle so far. The reasons for it are varied, and there's a portion of the library tables that are dedicated to working on the books themselves. One thing has it's covers and spine removed, all the pages loose.
Alucard starts there. And he takes pages from a smaller pile that originally came from the unbound book and begins to put them where they should be.
The work is the mediation. So he must begin.]
I hadn't realized. [Another page back where it should be. Eyes on the page.] And I don't get to use grief as an excuse either.
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Mmh. [ He's reduced to just sounds, now. What on earth is he supposed to say? He doesn't know what they're even doing here. Is he meant to pick his feelings down into their component parts, try to figure out how a lifetime of hatred for pale things with fangs and a few months of snapping at each other and another few months of separation could possibly add up to a whole of- this? ]
Four months. [ He manages after a while, though it's not really. A useful statement. ]
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Alucard's hands aren't quite nimble, but it's quicker than stitching skin.]
Four months. [He repeats it softly. And he considers everything.]
It isn't that I'm opposed to any of going beyond just [How to articulate this?} A v shape with her as the apex. [Because that's what it is right now.]
But I dread tearing things asunder.
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[ The rest, the rest he just listens to. 'Not opposed'. He doesn't want Alucard to not be opposed to him, because being tolerated isn't the same as being wanted.
Really, he should be happy with 'tolerated'. It's worlds more than he's had before. But at least being opposed to him would be a feeling at all. ]
Have you ever been opposed to anything, other than the destruction of humanity?
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Thank you for that.
[There's real gratitude for that much. Before Trevor's a smartass, because they're both moving into that territory to avoid points, aren't they?]
Focus on what I actually said, not goading.
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[ And he doesn't know what to do with gratitude, so he just explains his reasoning anyway a little defensively, as if he'd been told he was wrong. Because he is always, always wrong. ]
I don't want you to not be opposed. Do you think that's better than the way things are now, to have you just tolerate my being with you, because it's less trouble than making me go away?
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It isn't mere tolerance. [He's trying not to snap.] Or opposition.
Just me not using the right words. So you can stop acting as if this is on your shoulders, rather than mine.
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