[ He's not drunk. But he's tired and it's been a long few days and the revelation that he must love Sypha has floored him enough that he has no filter. ]
The kind I just want to follow to the ends of the earth, just in case I might see it again. You- both of you do it.
[The dhampir goes so still. His eyes stare down at the dish water, where the soap has cleared away. Where he can see the criss crossing bandages and want to sob at the shame they fill him with.]
You should have been here earlier.
[He whispers it, shaking just a little.]
I could have said all those things back without any problem, I could have....
[He all but collapses at that. All of the dhampir slumps forward. Threatens to fall into the dish water. The shake in his arms spreads now, and the half of a fritter in Alucard's stomach churns with far too much anger.]
I want to. I could have--
[A horrible strangled noise escapes from his throat, but no more.]
It's an awful terrible angle. Alucard feels both too heavy and too light doing it. But he does it all the same, knowing, trusting Trevor in this moment.
[ He pulls Alucard close, and it's easier than it feels like it should be. Maybe because he technically already did this last night. Maybe it was just always thus easy, and he just never tried hard enough because he was afraid. The way it was with Sypha. ]
We love you. I love you.
[ That's easier than it ought to be, too. And though he agreed that touching was to be off-limits, he presses a delicate kiss to Alucard's forehead. ]
[Touching is off limits. Alucard can't account for his reaction if they touch him, it's a risk it's--
--he's slack in Trevor's arms. Trying to find some sort of location to just cling and keep clinging, and he finds it. Trevor's forearms are the hold, Alucard's arms wet and soapy in spite of everything.]
I don't know if you can. I want that but I don't know--
[ He doesn't make promises he can't keep. He usually doesn't make promises, in general. But now seems like a time for exceptions. He'll just do his best, and try to trust himself. ]
We won't stop trying until we find a way. And in the meantime, we'll be here.
[ A short pause. ]
And I hope you know that I'm not letting go until one of us needs the bathroom.
[There's no way. Alucard knows that, he's certain. Maybe before imitating his father he might have been convinced otherwise but now? The very notion seems the height of madness. It must be. How the hell does anything get better from here?
[ He can take Alucard’s weight, but slowly lowers the both of them to the ground anyway. He leans back against the counter, keeping Alucard pulled close to him. ]
We’ll make it stop hurting. [ He repeats it, and this time he sounds a little more confident. ] And until then, we’ll bear it with you.
[There's a mess of vampire that burrows into Trevor, all limbs and grief and wanting to be freed from whatever horrible thing this is. A thing marked by grief. A thing clawing for light yet terrified of it. That it too might betray him.
The mess is made of silent tears and less silent sniffles, certain of one thing:]
[And that says everything about how broken the vampire feels, doesn't it? That fear has finally held onto him more than it ever should, and this is the result. The skittish, terrified result.
It’s delicate, barely a brush of lips save for the fact that he lingers. And he pulls Alucard tighter to him, until the drumming of his heartbeat is unmistakable. ]
I’m not afraid. [ He whispers it against Alucard’s lips. ] Let me be brave for all of us.
[ Muscle shifts beneath his arms. Alucard tenses like a bow ready to fire. If this was a mistake, if this was going to turn deadly, this would be the moment when it happens.
It doesn't, and Trevor kisses him once more before bringing a hand up to the back of his head, stoking his hair. It's a mess. A disaster. He never thought he'd be the one to say that they all need to wash at some point, but- shit, they really do. And he can be the one to tell others that they're worth that, even if he can't be worth it himself. ]
It gets easier. Hurts less. And then, sooner or later, you run into these people and they dig their way under your skin, until their veins are inside you. Until it's their heartbeats moving your body, and yours moving theirs. And then it barely hurts at all.
[ Not that he's talking from experience or anything. He carefully moves his hand through Alucard's hair, trying his best to avoid tugging. ]
[Alucard's hair has actual tangles in it, which for him is beyond the absolute pale. But the rest of him is just sad and slack and wanting to curl up somewhere, tired.
He makes soft noises to acknowledge that Trevor's speaking. He can't do much more.]
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Wait, what?
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[ He's not drunk. But he's tired and it's been a long few days and the revelation that he must love Sypha has floored him enough that he has no filter. ]
The kind I just want to follow to the ends of the earth, just in case I might see it again. You- both of you do it.
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You should have been here earlier.
[He whispers it, shaking just a little.]
I could have said all those things back without any problem, I could have....
[Loved you so much easier.]
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[ He doesn't touch Alucard, but he takes the dish from his hands to dry it. ]
-Even if you don't feel the same. Even if you can't. Even if you need us to leave, need us to never came back.
[ He doesn't know what that 'even' means, but- he knows it means something. ]
-If I love her, then I think I must love you. It's the same. And it won't change. And I won't hate you, for whatever you need to do.
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I want to. I could have--
[A horrible strangled noise escapes from his throat, but no more.]
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We're here now. Whatever that ends up meaning- we're here.
We won't let you be hurt again
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It's an awful terrible angle. Alucard feels both too heavy and too light doing it. But he does it all the same, knowing, trusting Trevor in this moment.
Trusting one of them.]
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We love you. I love you.
[ That's easier than it ought to be, too. And though he agreed that touching was to be off-limits, he presses a delicate kiss to Alucard's forehead. ]
We're here. We'll make it stop hurting.
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--he's slack in Trevor's arms. Trying to find some sort of location to just cling and keep clinging, and he finds it. Trevor's forearms are the hold, Alucard's arms wet and soapy in spite of everything.]
I don't know if you can. I want that but I don't know--
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[ He doesn't make promises he can't keep. He usually doesn't make promises, in general. But now seems like a time for exceptions. He'll just do his best, and try to trust himself. ]
We won't stop trying until we find a way. And in the meantime, we'll be here.
[ A short pause. ]
And I hope you know that I'm not letting go until one of us needs the bathroom.
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He sniffles loudly. Aware of how it sounds.]
That seems overkill--
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[ He tries to sound casual about it, but he’s holding on to Alucard like he might slip away and be lost forever if he let go. ]
I’ll let go once, then. Just to let you get comfortable.
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Where should--?
[It'll be the floor in a minute.]
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[ The room they took him to initially, the one that he and Sypha were using, isn’t far. And she’ll know to look there if she wakes up alone. ]
-the two of us weren’t sleeping far from here. Come on, dishes’ll still be there in the morning.
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[He's confident in that much.]
---Floor.
[Which is where he goes. Trying to be controlled but it's a little bit of a fall.]
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We’ll make it stop hurting. [ He repeats it, and this time he sounds a little more confident. ] And until then, we’ll bear it with you.
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The mess is made of silent tears and less silent sniffles, certain of one thing:]
I can't ask that. Not when she's-- and you're---
[He tries again.]
It isn't fair.
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[ He reaches under Alucard’s chin, tilting his head up so they can actually look at each other. ]
We want to give.
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I'm afraid of accepting.
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[ His voice is soft. Quiet. It’s only because they’re so close than Alucard can pick it up, vampire hearing or not. ]
Look at me. I want- I need you to know this is me. Not someone else. Not someone who’d hurt you. Me.
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[And that says everything about how broken the vampire feels, doesn't it? That fear has finally held onto him more than it ever should, and this is the result. The skittish, terrified result.
Red, teary eyes manage to meet Trevor's.]
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It’s delicate, barely a brush of lips save for the fact that he lingers. And he pulls Alucard tighter to him, until the drumming of his heartbeat is unmistakable. ]
I’m not afraid. [ He whispers it against Alucard’s lips. ] Let me be brave for all of us.
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It never happens. It's only this. Only being pulled against Trevor, Alucard's delicate ears picking up every thundering heartbeat.]
Okay. [He breathes out.] For now, okay.
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It doesn't, and Trevor kisses him once more before bringing a hand up to the back of his head, stoking his hair. It's a mess. A disaster. He never thought he'd be the one to say that they all need to wash at some point, but- shit, they really do. And he can be the one to tell others that they're worth that, even if he can't be worth it himself. ]
It gets easier. Hurts less. And then, sooner or later, you run into these people and they dig their way under your skin, until their veins are inside you. Until it's their heartbeats moving your body, and yours moving theirs. And then it barely hurts at all.
[ Not that he's talking from experience or anything. He carefully moves his hand through Alucard's hair, trying his best to avoid tugging. ]
You already found her. You've got a head start.
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He makes soft noises to acknowledge that Trevor's speaking. He can't do much more.]
It's going to fail--
[It will. He knows it.]
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