I wrote down the process for making it. It's in the kitchen, with the- me and Sypha. I don't know if the family recipe books survived.
[ He tries not to look at the way the scar coils around Alucard's midsection. Bad sex indeed. ]
We'll be going back to her people for a while. She's- things got rough, while we were on the road. She needs to not be alone, and you want to be alone, so- it's best that we're not here, I suppose. Not until she's had time.
[He's checked it all thrice over now. To make sure that every little thing that can hurt him is under lock and key. Something that'll take a stupid amount of effort to undo.]
I had to move Leon's portrait into the Hold itself. It was taking too much damage from being exposed to the elements. I'm not going down there for a time. I'd genuinely prefer if you take it all back.
[All he does is shrink the longer Trevor talks. He's been a selfish ass. He should have immediately clocked onto Sypha's own screamingly obvious troubles. He doesn't want to be alone, but at this point what else is available and....
...He just wants to close in on himself again. Descending further into the shame pit and never come out.
Eventually he manages something, voice terribly small.]
What, you don't like my collection of penis spells?
[ Probably not the time to joke, but what else can he say? Giving the hold to Alucard was a message - not to give up and become a living corpse. That makes returning it a message, too. One he doesn't care for. ]
They are. We- misunderstood. [ They only knew each other for a matter of weeks, after all. Perhaps it was silly to think that they were closer than acquaintances. ] I'm sorry.
It's a collection of things that can kill me, Trevor. They nearly managed it.
[He's already a living corpse in all the ways that count, so far as Alucard's concerned.
This hurts. It hurts in a new way that's no less awful. There's the tiniest part of the dhampir screaming at him not to let the other two leave. That they're needed but--]
[ Because so far, this has sounded like it's better for everyone. Sypha needs someone who'll be there, someone who's better than him. Alucard needs to be left alone to deal with- this. He needs- god, he doesn't even know any more. Something stronger and less red than wine. ]
[That's a nice way of avoiding talking further, right? That Sypha
comes before every single one of them, because of course that's true. If
she's miserable, then what hope do the other two of them have?
The other question? That gets silence. Horrid, ashamed silence that goes
on for too long.]
Belmont, what do you want me to say, exactly? That you're right? Because
you're not, and I refuse to give you that satisfaction. That yes, I want
you both here to deal with a hissing, spitting thing that trusts nothing
and who will rebuff every attempt to prove my instincts wrong, because the
last time I let anyone in here it went the worst possible way it could have
because this house is so damned big and lonely?
[He's trying to be angry. He wants to be angry. But it
fails. Hard.]
[ He moves closer, slowly. Sits down on the edge of the bath, and puts the pot of wine and ash and dirt between himself and Alucard. A barrier. Just a little one. To indicate that he won't come closer. ]
It's- easier. If we know that we aren't hurting you by just being here. We've all been places we're just not wanted, and we don't care for more of it.
[Because it does. This hurts. All of it. Them being there. Them
not being there. Them being there and the stupid fears that come with it.
It shows in the smallest ways. That when Trevor moves closer, Alucard
moves closer to the door. To make sure that if he has to move, he can. An
exit available at all times.
Then we figure out what hurts least. For both of you. And work with that. If it hurts everyone less if we go, then we go. We figure out if we should come back, or if it's best that we stay gone. If it hurts less that we stay, then we stay.
[ He follows Alucard's gaze to the door. God, he's scared, isn't he? Of them. That's- he doesn't know how to think about that. ]
Fuck, if it's best that Sypha caves the entire fucking hold in and buries it, that's what we do.
[He breathes out. Considers. Lets both parts of instinct shout
over each other. It's Belmont and Sypha, you've wanted them back for
how long? It's fine.It'll just happen again, they were going to
leave, just finish this. They war for a time.
Finish here, then. I'll be back in the kitchen when you're done. We'll figure out what to do.
[ And he stands. ]
We came here because she needed a friend. It didn't- fuck. It didn't occur to us that you'd have your own shit going on. She got caught up in suddenly being able to make a difference to people's lives, and I got caught up in- her being her. And we thought of you, but we always thought there'd be time to come back.
[It didn't occur. That stings in it's own way, but the
rest? Oh. Oh that isn't a surprise. Of course she got caught up in that
whirlwind. Of course Trevor enjoyed being less miserable for once in his
adult life. No wonder. No wonder. They were happy.
Until they weren't. And then they came here.
He isn't sure what to say to that apology. He doesn't make a noise of
acknowledgement. After a while he manages a meager noise.]
[ It takes all the self control he has to not get another bottle of wine. Maybe he should have. He's a better person when he's drunk, and he knows it. Maybe drunk-him could find a solution to this. He doesn't wake Sypha. She ought to be part of this, but- it'd be difficult. The second she figured out that Alucard wanted them there, she'd refuse to leave and that would be that. Even if it turned out that he needed them gone for a little longer to heal.
He just sits there, drumming his fingers on the table, staring at the door. ]
[There's a long delay between when Alucard closes the door and when
it opens again. Hell, he doesn't even close it all the way - he leaves it
open a crack just in case. He can move faster than either of them to avoid
being locked in. He's fine. He's fine.
It's a mantra. The only words he forces to echo in his head as he applies
the mix of weird Belmont medicine to the burns on his lower body. It's so
hard to keep them going. To let them be the things that stay, rather than
let the shame of everything that's happened take over. You should have
known better. You shouldn't have trusted. You shouldn't have let anyone
just waltz in here. It happened once with your mother and never will
again, don't think you're special.
He finishes. Then sits on the floor for either a minute or an eternity
before returning to the kitchen.
When he does return, there's no real change about him. Just guilty eyes
that refuse to meet Trevor's.]
[ He can do the talking. Probably. He's good at figuring shit out. Just not good at empathising. One out of two required skills, there. ]
Leave her aside for a moment. What would be easiest for you? We stay, and maybe we fuck up again but we try to make it right when we do? Or we go, and come back when you've had more time?
[Hey, he managed emotional intelligence this entire conversation!
That's huge!]
I don't know, Belmont.
[That honesty is much easier. He doesn't know and there's no value
in lying about that, so he won't. Alucard doesn't know because his mind is
trying to run in every direction at once.
So he does the easiest thing right now, which is walk over to the counter
and pour himself a glass of the white that's been left out.]
Please, I've been trying to get drunk off that stuff for the last week now. Doesn't work.
[ He sighs. ]
If we could choose, I think she'd want to be here with you. She can watch her family from the mirror in the hold. We can go to them if things change. But you're- you're her family too.
He waves a hand dismissively, but his shoulders sink. He shouldn't be doing this without Sypha, but she wouldn't leave if she knew. He's been letting her decide what's best for a long time now, and in the end it's hurt her badly. ]
Had to make a second me out of pillows and blankets to keep her from waking up.
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[ He tries not to look at the way the scar coils around Alucard's midsection. Bad sex indeed. ]
We'll be going back to her people for a while. She's- things got rough, while we were on the road. She needs to not be alone, and you want to be alone, so- it's best that we're not here, I suppose. Not until she's had time.
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[He's checked it all thrice over now. To make sure that every little thing that can hurt him is under lock and key. Something that'll take a stupid amount of effort to undo.]
I had to move Leon's portrait into the Hold itself. It was taking too much damage from being exposed to the elements. I'm not going down there for a time. I'd genuinely prefer if you take it all back.
[All he does is shrink the longer Trevor talks. He's been a selfish ass. He should have immediately clocked onto Sypha's own screamingly obvious troubles. He doesn't want to be alone, but at this point what else is available and....
...He just wants to close in on himself again. Descending further into the shame pit and never come out.
Eventually he manages something, voice terribly small.]
Her people are probably the best bet for now.
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[ Probably not the time to joke, but what else can he say? Giving the hold to Alucard was a message - not to give up and become a living corpse. That makes returning it a message, too. One he doesn't care for. ]
They are. We- misunderstood. [ They only knew each other for a matter of weeks, after all. Perhaps it was silly to think that they were closer than acquaintances. ] I'm sorry.
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[He's already a living corpse in all the ways that count, so far as Alucard's concerned.
This hurts. It hurts in a new way that's no less awful. There's the tiniest part of the dhampir screaming at him not to let the other two leave. That they're needed but--]
Her needs are more important.
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[ Because so far, this has sounded like it's better for everyone. Sypha needs someone who'll be there, someone who's better than him. Alucard needs to be left alone to deal with- this. He needs- god, he doesn't even know any more. Something stronger and less red than wine. ]
You don't- you don't want us to go, do you?
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Everything.
[That's a nice way of avoiding talking further, right? That Sypha comes before every single one of them, because of course that's true. If she's miserable, then what hope do the other two of them have?
The other question? That gets silence. Horrid, ashamed silence that goes on for too long.]
Her needs can't be met if you stay.
[Please don't go.]
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[ He sighs. ]
Why have you been telling us that you don't want us here?
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Because neither of you need to deal with myself when you have your own matters to address. I don't see why that's complicated.
[Because you're a hissing skittish idiot, Alucard.]
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[ A pause. A long one. Things clicking into place. ]
You just didn't want to give us the chance to leave, did you? And the only not-evil way to do that is to not have us here in the first place.
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Belmont, what do you want me to say, exactly? That you're right? Because you're not, and I refuse to give you that satisfaction. That yes, I want you both here to deal with a hissing, spitting thing that trusts nothing and who will rebuff every attempt to prove my instincts wrong, because the last time I let anyone in here it went the worst possible way it could have because this house is so damned big and lonely?
[He's trying to be angry. He wants to be angry. But it fails. Hard.]
It isn't fair to force either of you to do that.
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[ He moves closer, slowly. Sits down on the edge of the bath, and puts the pot of wine and ash and dirt between himself and Alucard. A barrier. Just a little one. To indicate that he won't come closer. ]
It's- easier. If we know that we aren't hurting you by just being here. We've all been places we're just not wanted, and we don't care for more of it.
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And if I said some of it hurt? What then?
[Because it does. This hurts. All of it. Them being there. Them not being there. Them being there and the stupid fears that come with it.
It shows in the smallest ways. That when Trevor moves closer, Alucard moves closer to the door. To make sure that if he has to move, he can. An exit available at all times.
It doesn't calm him. But it helps.]
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[ He follows Alucard's gaze to the door. God, he's scared, isn't he? Of them. That's- he doesn't know how to think about that. ]
Fuck, if it's best that Sypha caves the entire fucking hold in and buries it, that's what we do.
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[He breathes out. Considers. Lets both parts of instinct shout over each other. It's Belmont and Sypha, you've wanted them back for how long? It's fine. It'll just happen again, they were going to leave, just finish this. They war for a time.
The former wins by a thin margin.]
...All right.
[It's not a victory.]
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[ And he stands. ]
We came here because she needed a friend. It didn't- fuck. It didn't occur to us that you'd have your own shit going on. She got caught up in suddenly being able to make a difference to people's lives, and I got caught up in- her being her. And we thought of you, but we always thought there'd be time to come back.
We fucked up, and I'm sorry.
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[It didn't occur. That stings in it's own way, but the rest? Oh. Oh that isn't a surprise. Of course she got caught up in that whirlwind. Of course Trevor enjoyed being less miserable for once in his adult life. No wonder. No wonder. They were happy.
Until they weren't. And then they came here.
He isn't sure what to say to that apology. He doesn't make a noise of acknowledgement. After a while he manages a meager noise.]
It's happened. That is all that can be said.
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[ It takes all the self control he has to not get another bottle of wine. Maybe he should have. He's a better person when he's drunk, and he knows it. Maybe drunk-him could find a solution to this. He doesn't wake Sypha. She ought to be part of this, but- it'd be difficult. The second she figured out that Alucard wanted them there, she'd refuse to leave and that would be that. Even if it turned out that he needed them gone for a little longer to heal.
He just sits there, drumming his fingers on the table, staring at the door. ]
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[There's a long delay between when Alucard closes the door and when it opens again. Hell, he doesn't even close it all the way - he leaves it open a crack just in case. He can move faster than either of them to avoid being locked in. He's fine. He's fine.
It's a mantra. The only words he forces to echo in his head as he applies the mix of weird Belmont medicine to the burns on his lower body. It's so hard to keep them going. To let them be the things that stay, rather than let the shame of everything that's happened take over. You should have known better. You shouldn't have trusted. You shouldn't have let anyone just waltz in here. It happened once with your mother and never will again, don't think you're special.
He finishes. Then sits on the floor for either a minute or an eternity before returning to the kitchen.
When he does return, there's no real change about him. Just guilty eyes that refuse to meet Trevor's.]
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[ He can do the talking. Probably. He's good at figuring shit out. Just not good at empathising. One out of two required skills, there. ]
Leave her aside for a moment. What would be easiest for you? We stay, and maybe we fuck up again but we try to make it right when we do? Or we go, and come back when you've had more time?
[ A short pause. ]
Or we go for good, and destroy the hold?
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[Hey, he managed emotional intelligence this entire conversation! That's huge!]
I don't know, Belmont.
[That honesty is much easier. He doesn't know and there's no value in lying about that, so he won't. Alucard doesn't know because his mind is trying to run in every direction at once.
So he does the easiest thing right now, which is walk over to the counter and pour himself a glass of the white that's been left out.]
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[ He sighs. ]
If we could choose, I think she'd want to be here with you. She can watch her family from the mirror in the hold. We can go to them if things change. But you're- you're her family too.
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[He's just gonna take a long siiiiiiiiiip while oh. A new layer of guilt sets in.
Along with a particular realization.]
She doesn't know you're doing any of this right now, does she?
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He waves a hand dismissively, but his shoulders sink. He shouldn't be doing this without Sypha, but she wouldn't leave if she knew. He's been letting her decide what's best for a long time now, and in the end it's hurt her badly. ]
Had to make a second me out of pillows and blankets to keep her from waking up.
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Of course you did.
[He breathes out.]
What else do you want to know, Belmont?
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[ He just stares at the overfull wine glass. So that's what this bullshit looks like from the outside. Just kind of sad. ]
If there's something other than that that I should know, I'll listen. But I'm not trying to torment you for information here.
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