Catch All

[cryptsleeper]

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[miraclewhip]

[ He lets go. It's more difficult than he thought it would be. Sits up, and there are soft complaining sounds from a bundle of robes and blankets behind him. It's probably Sypha. ]

Not leaving you. We're just going to make breakfast. What do you think about eggs?

[ ...there's a mumbled 'good boy', and then the bundle of blankets coils in upon itself. ]

[cryptsleeper]

--Did she just call you a good boy?

[Alucard sits up very slowly, all of the blankets coming with him. He's not getting out of his cocoon, goddammit.]

[miraclewhip]

No.

[ Shit. ]

She said- [ fuck he can't figure out a convincing lie right now. too early. ] -something else. She was probably talking about breakfast.

[cryptsleeper]

No, she definitely just called you a good boy.

[Behold, the standing vampire! Still bundled in blankets, and shuffling very slowly to the door.

Well, floating to the door. Walking is movement and that's effort.]

[miraclewhip]

She did not. She was talking about the eggs. It's- Serbian. For egg.

[ It is not. But this is normal. Almost fun, if embarrassing. And if being able to hold this one stupid thing over him is what helps, then-

-then maybe it's tolerable. He stands, untangling himself from the pile of blankets, and follows Alucard. ]

They're duck eggs, from down by the lake.

[cryptsleeper]

Mmhmmm.

[Alucard keeps on floating. Slowly. Not going too fast.]

Don't take too many more, their population needs as many as they can get at this point.

[miraclewhip]

Really? Fuck.

[ He knows those ducks! Or. Knew their ancestors, at least. He liked them! He's immediately concerned for his duck buddies. ]

Has the winter been harsh on them?

[cryptsleeper]

Night creatures, mostly.

[He sighs, the train of blankets following him down the stairs.]

I have some bacon in the refrigeration unit

[miraclewhip]

They're going after the ducks? That's just not fucking right. The ducks never bothered them.

[ Is he mad about this? Absolutely. Yes sure the night hordes are eating people and that's bad but they're also antagonising ducks, what the fuck. ]

No more eggs after this, then. And I'll put traps up by the lake.

[cryptsleeper]

They were. I frightened them off, most of the ducks survived. They're just scared, and it impacted their laying.

[They're good ducks!]

I already have traps. They just have to feel safe again.

[The ducks are not a metaphor.]

[miraclewhip]

[ He sighs in relief. The ducks are not a metaphor. They're just good ducks who deserve better. ]

Fucking night creatures, can't even fight things that can fight back. Just going after ducks.

[ There's a basket on the table. The duck eggs, some early-spring greens and berries. A few more things from the kitchen garden. ]

The least they could do is bother the swans. Swans don't just mind their own business. Swans'll have your eye out. Swans could beat the shit out of anything that looked at them wrong.

[ MAD ABOUT DUCKS. ]

[cryptsleeper]

I'd pay to see swan versus night creature, actually. I think the swan would come out on top.

[But for now, cooking. Alucard floats himself into a chair, and his little hood of blanket falls by the wayside.]

Shall we begin?

[miraclewhip]

Oh, absolutely. Swan broke my arm, once. It takes at least four of five night creatures to do that.

[ He walks over to the oven, poking at the strange rings on top of it. ]

You're meant to have fire here, right? There's scorch marks on the metal, but I have a policy - one that that serves me well - of not setting something on fire if I don't know what it is.

[cryptsleeper]

And how old were you? Or how drunk were you?

[Alucard realizes that he can't do this sitting back. And that he can't do this covered in blankets, so he sheds them all. Walks over to Trevor, and places his eyes on one of the knobs.]

These things control the fire.

[miraclewhip]

Nine, I think? But it wasn't like the swan had an advantage because I was a kid. I'd fought night creatures by then. The swan was stronger.

[ He looks down at the knobs, looking entirely unsure about this, then reaches to turn one of them. ]

[cryptsleeper]

Push the knob inward and turn it all the way to your left. That will ignite the fire.

[miraclewhip]

[ He does so, and only jumps a little in surprise when the stove does, in fact, light.

And then, belatedly- ]

-there's a way to stop the fire also, right? Because that seems like an important part of the process.

[cryptsleeper]

Turn the knob all the way back to where it was and the flame extinguishes. The knob controls the size.

[miraclewhip]

Huh.

[ He turns the fire off. Then back on again, and off again. Okay. He's got the hang of that. ]

Well, that saves me a lot of work. Or a lot of waking her up without an offering of food.

[cryptsleeper]

[Alucard doesn't quite laugh at Trevor's experiments with the stove, but he's entertained by how much it just seems to click.]

Both, I assume. There's a series of pans in the cabinet just to the right. Take out a medium sized one and we can begin.

[miraclewhip]

[ They've not actually poked around the kitchen very much. Not for any particular reason, they're just so used to being on the road that it never occured to either of them that it might be worth seeing if there was food lying around. Doing things the way they were used to gave them both a sense of things being normal.

Which means that when he opens the cupboard to take out a pan, it's actually his first encounter with the two spoon-armed things inside it.

And he proceeds to look at them for a moment and then ignore them, because that is way too much for his poor head to deal with both sober and before breakfast. ]

This one? [ He asks, pulling out a pan and closing the cupboard door. ]

[cryptsleeper]

That'll do.

[Alucard heads to the refridgerater at that, and he comes back over with four strips of very thick bacon.]

Turn the burner on, and we'll cook the bacon first. Then the eggs will fry in the remaining fat.

[He pauses, realizing that actually the kitchen is probably overwhelming for anyone who isn't him.]

Any questions?

[miraclewhip]

I'm guessing the burner is thing that burns.

[ He turns the flame back on, putting the pan over it. ]

Just one question. I'm not going to pretend to know my numbers, but I'm pretty sure four doesn't split between three. Assuming you weren't planning on starving either of us, where the fuck is your share?

[cryptsleeper]

Yes it is.

[Alucard adds the bacon into the pan, then backs off.]

I'm not very hungry at the moment.

[miraclewhip]

Like you weren't hungry yesterday. Or the day before.

[ He watches the bacon, turning the heat of the pan down a little so it doesn't burn before it cooks properly. ]

You still need to not starve, hungry or not.