Catch All

[cryptsleeper]

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[cryptsleeper]

Those were my bedclothes, actually. Borrowed.

[Alucard still doesn't look up. He doesn't want this conversation.]

Tell her. I won't repeat any of that again.

[miraclewhip]

You're right, that just makes it look like a very strange attempt at hanging up laundry.

[ Too bad, it's happening. He sits down on the other side of the book wall. They don't have to look at each other. They just need to figure out what the fuck to do. ]

You realise that if I tell her, we'll be staying here a while? You- do remember how she works, right? She was never going to say 'ah, yes. Our friend has lost his fucking mind. I'm going to accept this and move on'.

[cryptsleeper]

[No. This is the opposite of what he wanted.]

So tell her after you've left. When you're far away.

[Obviously she won't come back to aggressively yell at him or--

--oh.

Someone said the f word.

That just makes Alucard hunch over more. Trying to make himself smaller.]

[miraclewhip]

You really have forgotten how fucking impossible she is, haven't you?

[ He sighs. ]

I tell her. We restrict ourselves to a corner of the castle away from you until she's convinced that you're either not hedgehog-humping mad or not worth the effort or until you fix this thing.

...and you explain what a fucking ellevitatator is because I don't speak fucking bohemian.

[cryptsleeper]

An elevator is a platform that uses ropes and counterweight to move up and down a shaft. Like what Sypha did with the ice, but with a long term platform so that the Hold doesn't get flooded and I don't have float up and down all the time.

[That part's easy. The rest?

Nope.]

It will take too much time to fix this thing. You're both needed elsewhere, that much is clear. Just go, Belmont. At first light.

[miraclewhip]

We don't want to be needed elsewhere for a little while.

[ It's something of a raw admission. ]

We're tired, Alucard. She's tired. We came here because this is home.

[cryptsleeper]

Then I'll stay in the woods for as long as you insist on being here.

[He isn't home. That much he knows.]

I have to reset the traps anyway. I can remain as a wolf for a time.

[miraclewhip]

...are you always this dramatic about bad sex? Because usually I just get drunk.

[ He was holding himself back from saying it but. Look, he only has so much self-control.

It's probably not the helpful thing to say. ]

[cryptsleeper]

[Well good news: that gets Alucard to actually meet Trevor's eyes.

And to glare in a Very Disapproving Manner.]

That's true, if anyone else has been nearly murdered during sex, it would be you.

[Except THAT ISN'T FUNNY ADRIAN.]

[miraclewhip]

I'll be honest, that sounds like an accurate description of not knowing what fucking lube is.

[ HOW DID THIS TURN INTO A CONVERSATION ABOUT SEX oh right it's because Trevor is fucking nasty. ]

[cryptsleeper]

Please and for the love of your God, shut up.

[miraclewhip]

Yeah, you probably don't want to hear the sordid details of my sex life.

[ He sighs. ]

We've established that I want be killing you, at least. I'm going to tell her what's happening. Do what you want, but we'll be in the castle.

[cryptsleeper]

Fine.

Kitchen's stocked. Wine cellar has a bottle a day limit.

[It shouldn't be Alucard who gets up first, but he does. Takes a few steps, and he's a wolf. A wolf who's leaving, giving the other two free reign.

A wolf who has also forgotten that in the kitchen are two very ridiculous attempts at not going mad, and who stays out in the woods for about five days, making himself scarce.]

[miraclewhip]

I am Trevor Belmont, and I am a horrible, smelly man and I like beer more than sex even though I get really very good sex.

[ Laughter rings from the kitchen. ]

And I'm Sypha Belnades, and I can fucking fly but I can't make my feet warm before trying to involve them in my very good se- hey!

[ They're eating boiled eggs. But the spoons they're using to do so happen to be attached to little dolls. And maybe 'eating' is a strong word, because Sypha's Trevor doll just tossed a piece of egg at Trevor's head.

They're trying. He's trying for Sypha. She's trying for him. It's hard. ]

[cryptsleeper]

[He's been fantastic at avoiding them both. Even now, there's a deep temptation to just drop his basket of foraged food and then go right back outside but--

--they found the dolls.

Of course they found the dolls, and the part of Alucard that is not a depressed, brooding, and paranoid fuck takes over. Takes right over into the kitchen.]

You were not meant to see those!

[The actual Alucard they know shows up for about 2 seconds.]

[miraclewhip]

Why not? It is the most handsome he's ever looked!

[ She's laughing. Things have been hard, but she's laughing. And right now it's the most healing sound. And he's still furious with Alucard but he can't not share it. They all need to hear it.

And so Trevor launches a piece of boiled egg of his own, right at Alucard's head. ]

Or at least the most capable of using my feet to eat soup.

[cryptsleeper]

I didn't have many supplies.

[He folds his arms over his chest, immediately defensive because no reason at all, just that that's how this kind of a pointless argument ought to go.]

But I had a lot of utensils.

[miraclewhip]

How many spare spoons did you even have? Is the entire fucking castle just full of spoons?

You could have given him a fork arm, at least. For fighting demons!

[ Sypha is menacing Alucard with the Trevor doll's spoon arms now, tapping them against his arms. ]

Ignore her. She just wants it to have pointy bits so she can cause more problems.

[cryptsleeper]

There are actually far fewer forks here. Spoons have existed for much longer.

[Alucard. Why are you like this.]

She also does not need to cause more problems with that thing and if you're going to critique my work on them, at least stop playing with them first so I pretend to take it seriously.

[miraclewhip]

We're not playing with them. We're eating with them.

[ He puts a hand on Alucard's shoulder. ]

Sit down. Eat eggs, and we'll put the dolls back.

Can I keep one of his arms? I don't feel like getting another spoon.

[cryptsleeper]

I--No, you can't keep one of his arms, it hasn't been washed in ages.

[He just sighs, then indicates a drawer behind Sypha.]

There's more forks there, please just take one of them.

[However Trevor's hand on his shoulder? Alucard stiffens immediately. Takes an automatic step forward, because that should at least get the hand off.]

I've already eaten, thank you.

[miraclewhip]

Oh! So realistic!

[ Sypha takes both dolls, returning them to where they were. But the mood has already turned with that. ]

For fuck's sake.

Trevor. No.

[ He reaches again, grabbing at Alucard's shoulder rather than just resting his hand there this time. ]

Sit the fuck down and have breakfast with us.

[cryptsleeper]

[That? That just gets him to yank away, now a thing of instinct. It's like a very skittish dog's reaction, and it nearly comes with barred fangs.

He has enough self control though. The way his shirt shifts in the movement gives a small glimpse at one of the lingering burns, and he just wants to go.]

I said I already ate. Thank you. There's additional food in the basket beside the door.

[He's retreating already.]

[miraclewhip]

Wait. [ And then, with an amount of effort that seems almost painful- ] Please.

[ That was a burn, wasn’t it? Or something similar. And unless it’s very recent, it shouldn’t be here. It’s not a place he got a good hit on, so it couldn’t have been the morning star. ]

Let me see that burn.

[cryptsleeper]

[It's a wolf that looks back at Trevor. A very weary looking one if truth is to be told.

It's off again after a soft snuffle whose meaning is far too ambiguous. So it goes. Another few days with hide nor hair of the dhampir, although there's always food left in the kitchen when they wake up. He's doing it in the dead of night, as not to risk running into them any other time.

There's no sound of him when he enters the kitchen. Alucard's good at moving quietly.]